A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
So this might be a morbid topic, but death is what unites us...
Has anyone given any thought to where they want to be buried?
A year ago if someone asked me I'd have said, right there above my wife, you see it, that spot where the grass hasn't even grown in yet.
But as time went on and I thought about there being another wife, it became more of a conundrum with so very many variables, and to this day is a question to which I have no definitive answer, but which comes to mind anytime the idea of future happiness does.
I still have my husband's ashes at home, however, we are Catholic and even his ashes are supposed to be laid to rest. I am struggling with letting them go. Our priest has questioned me a few times about it but now has just been waiting for my decision I think. I would love to bury him under a tree in a cemetery or even plant a tree there and bury him under it. He would love that. He had the green thumb of the family. That would mean calling the funeral home to get them to call the cemetery (we live in a small town, so you go through funeral homes to get spots at the cemeteries). I figure if I buy a spot for him, I'll buy one for me. If I ever go down the remarried path (yike, hard to think about that) I'll figure it out then.
At home, I have a picture in front of his beautiful wooden box. I don't touch him much or anything, but I know he's there. I look at the picture all the time and look into his eyes. It's the most beautiful picture, the one I had at his services. It just captured him, so relaxed and smiling.
Okay, wow, I really strayed from the question, huh? Sorry!
Hi, Read your blog and I too am Catholic,I had some of my husbands ashes buried in a veterans cemetary here in Arizona and some put in a special small covered metal box(which belonged to us) which was suggested by the funeral director so I would always have him with me.It also sits next to a favorite photo. It might be too late ,however, you could ask and see if its possible. Good luck.
I want to be cremated and my ashes put into the sea at Betty's favorite place in the world, a spit of sand going out into Buzzard's Bay (Massacusetts). That's where her ashes were supposed to go. However her parents insisted on a very expensive funeral and burial in a $7,500 casket. Before she died I asked Betty about what she wanted and she said to do whatever her parents wanted. She said she'd be dead and didn't really care.
As it happened I authorized a full autopsy because she had several unusual side effects to her medication and wanted to contribute to research. I had to decide whether her organs would go back into her body and I said no. I never told her parents this, though after we became totally estranged I was tempted to just to hurt them.
A month before she died we went there. That's her below.
that's a beautiful idea for your ashes. I bet Betty would smile.
I'm glad you didn't tell her parents...sounds like you made the right decision by just removing yourself from them. I admire that.
Craig's organs went to 7 males. I got a letter in the mail not long ago telling me that all receipients are doing well. Craig would be so pumped. Just before he died he cut off all his hair and donated it to cancer. 13 inches!!! we got married in June, and everyone kept buggin him to cut his hair before the wedding day, but he had his goal. the best part was, he never even told anyone what he was growing it out for! such a special guy. Thanks for sharing your pictures as well. So thankful for our memories. That is one thing I will never take for granted .
I never thought about cremation until my hubby died. None of my late friends/family have ever been cremated, so this was a foreign idea to me. 2 summers ago his grand dad died and he was cremated... that's when Craig expressed to me that he'd like to be cremated. A few months before he was killed, we talked about where we'd want to be buried (*im sure most newly weds wouldn't talk or think this way, but he and I talked about everything under the sun...) and both of us said underneath a willow... I have purchased a willow tree, and it will be planted this spring. I will watch that tree grow, as my son and I also grow... and I will wait until the right time to figure out what to do with his ashes. I without doubt want to be with him when I go... so IF i ever do get involved in another relationship, I hope that the next guy will understand this. It's only been 4 mos for me, so the idea of dating someone else totally disgusts me and makes me feel uneasy and wierd.
I know Im late on this discussion... but I couldnt believe how much I knew about what my hubby wanted if he shall pass. crazy. we were only married 3 mos. we only knew each other 2 years... I knew more about this man than anyone else, and he knew more about me. i miss that
We may overuse some phrases about our spouses, but what brings us together on this website is that we found our "soul mates". I was married 40 years but would never suggest my grief is more profound than someone like you who were married for much less time. I also wouldn't blame anyone who feels jealous of me for having had four decades with the love of my life.
Betty wanted to be cremated. When she knew death was near I asked her about this and she told me to avoid a conflict with her parents and do whatever they wanted.
As for the topic of cremation vs. traditional burial, consider the cost of a funeral. If it was possible for someone to roll over in their grave, my Betty surely would have if she knew her parents insisted on a $17,500 funeral complete with sit down dinner and $7,500 casket.
A funeral is for the living, and cremation and a simple ceremony so loved ones can come together isn't all that expensive.
I paid half... too bad in retrospect. I could have donated that to the library where Betty worked, a job she loved. As it happens, I ended up donating $10,000 in her memory anyway. Just think if her parents gave that much. It would have paid for half the parking lot they are trying to raise money for.
P.S. Thank you for sharing the photos of you and Craig. They filled my eyes with tears. Your love is so obvious. I treasure the photos I have of Betty and I cuddling or kissing and am so glad for the good friend who was around a lot and took many couple photos of us.
My husband is creamated, and wanted to be put under a fruit bearing tree once we were able to own a home. I dont own my own home yet so he's on my dresser, but i will honor his wishes. i think i would be nice to have him with us in a garden, under a tree at home anyways. BBQ's, birthdays, holidays, he will always be with his family and thats exactly what he wanted. i just know i want to be wherever he is, and wouldnt it be nice for even our grandchildren to know we are always right there. How many people stop going to the cemetary?
Jud was cremated. Part of his ashed were buried in a service in his home town. There is a plot right next to his that is for me. I sprinkled some of his ashes at a beautiful place in the Black Hills and have some at home with me. I assume this is what Katie, our only daughter, will wish for. I know I would like to have some ashed buried next to Jud but the rest is up to her.
Suz, Ivanna23 and Jennifer, I just read your comments on where the cremated remains of your spouses are. I was just wondering if I am being, let's say weird, on keeping Richard here with me? I keep him on my nightstand and I can't bear to part with him or spread his ashes anywhere. I have thought that maybe I should spread some of them in some special spots but i just want to keep him here. My daughter is going to get a keepsake urn and I will put some in there for her but otherwise, I just can't part with him. Just wondered if you all thought this may be a little strange since Rich passed two months ago.
No, it is not strange at all. I keep my husbands ashes on the backseat of his truck and its been 3 years for me. I have spread some of his ashes at his favorite hunting places and my daughter has a small urn. I also have my Dads ashes in the truck, a little morbid maybe, but my husband loved his truck and my Dad liked to drive around so...
lisanrich-((HUGS)) you take as long as you need with your husbands ashes. My husband always talked about what he wanted even though he was young...He was 43 i was 31, i have 1 child, 4 stepchildren and 3 grandbabies, but when he passed my 2 younger stepchildren expressed the desire to bury him, so originally i said i would creamate and bury, because i wanted then to feel they had an input, i even bought the plot but 2 years later he is still with me in my room. later i found out that their mom wanted him buried and was bugging them to have me do it. I want to respect my husbands wishes, and i will put him under that tree one day but i know he would understand i need him with me right now.
-i did put a small amount at his favorite baseball stadium, so now when we see the games we know he is there. I also bought all of his children, grandchildren, god daughter, mother, and myself a pendant that holds a small amount of ashes, and i know it gave them and me peace that he is always with us no matter what, i wear it everyday. His grandmother passed this last july and we laid her to rest with some of his ashes in a pendant. but in the very begining it was very difficult for me to give any ashes ( i felt very selfish) but also didnt care.
I saw someone on widows village had some of her husbands ashes put in the ink for her tattoo, i think it is a great idea, i think i might do the same. i have one memorial tattoo already and i know i want another.
i think 2 months in, you hold on to absolutly anything and everything you want.....just remember it never fills the big void in your heart or your life. I have tried getting a second dog (who i love), i thought about adopting a child, i have moved, i have a memorial in my home, we celebrate his life every chance we get but its still empty 2 years later......im sorry for you loss i wish it on no one, i know my words dont make you feel better but i do understand your pain.
.....sorry for going on and on but hope it helps
-Jennifer-I agree i dont see anyone accepting that i have my husbands ashes on my dresser, and a memorial in my dinning room, and that fact that i absolutly want to be with him when i die....im lonely but im lonely for him, and i dont see anyone replacing him.