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i lost my husband on January 23, 2018. It was a long term illness for 4 years.  I was his Soul caregiver. The end was terrible for him and me. I thought I wAs prepared for his death. Boy was I ever wrong. I have been suffering mentality and physically ever since his death. Why, why do the ones left behind have to suffer so badly?  I was totally unprepared for this terrible pain that totally takes over your life. Isn’t it enough that I had to watch him die slowly over four years? Why now am I totally consumed with losing him? It is like getting a cancer that hurts so bad you cannot move. I hate being like this. I cannot even take care of myself now. Nothing can be worse than grief of losing a loved one. And when scientists like Stephen Hawkings state that there is no haven, no God, and no afterlife it gives me no hope of even seeing him when I die. Yes my faith has been shaken to the core. So again why do we have to suffer for the rest of our life’s? It is so terribly hard to lose your spouse in your old age. There is no hope of ever finding another and you would also never want to go through another death other than your own.

linda c

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Linda, I'm so sorry for your loss.  It is still so new and raw for you.  I won't speak for everyone but I'll share my experience.  I lost Jerry Dec 14, 2017, so I'm still new at this too.  

Very early on, like where you are now.  It seemed like there was no use in breathing without him.  I hated feeling like that and looked for answers, reasons to NOT feel that way.  I've come along way and have a long way to go.  For me, the most shocking part of grief was the loss of my own identity.  I literally didn't know what to do with myself since my life revolved around Jerry's wants and needs.  I liked it, I was comfortable with that.  My question was who am I now?  I am still searching for the answer to that.  The excruciating suffering you are feeling NOW, will NOT last forever.  Yes, you'll miss him for the rest of your life but it will be softer and more manageable.  The why of it?  It's simply the price of loving someone.  I don't know about you, but I think love is worth it.  I wouldn't trade my life or memories of Jerry for anything in the world. 

Without knowing your religion, or preaching my beliefs.  I prayed constantly for grace, peace, comfort etc... It came to me and lasted moments and I'd pray again and so on.  The Bible says to pray without ceasing.  I never understood that part until now. 

As for no HOPE, we all can have HOPE.   You are feeling so raw right now it's hard to see.  None of us knows what the future has in store.  For me, I try to keep thinking of it as a surprise.  Trying to decipher God's plan for me keeps me focused.  I don't believe he's forsaken me, just because he wanted Jerry with Him.  

When I was in the desperate state of mind that comes after the shock begins to wear off some, I read a book that suggested I journal and write at least three things that I had to be grateful for each day.  It sounds so simple, but that "gratefulness" journal along with lots of prayers has helped me.   

I was told "Grief is the price we pay for Love". Fortunately, I never clawed out the eyes of anyone who said that to me. Regardless, whether its true or not it struck two nerves - one from survivors guilt & the other feeling that I had to pay/suffer for everything in life - good & bad ...

I understand your pain - I still recall it 10yrs later even though my grief ended a few of years ago. The best way I can describe it is that its like childbirth or physical injury - its a memory of excruciating pain no longer felt ...

People like Hawkings have/had their own beliefs - simply personal. Try not to allow it to affect you - there are many things one has to shut out to keep sanity intact. Many moons ago, I was on a widow website where the monitors were adamantly against any beliefs in the afterlife. I, like many, clashed w/them - one in particular. Unfortunately in my many years of interactions with widow/ers, its those that date early, want to rush through grief & mostly the remarried - their attitude is that type of belief holds people back from moving forward from grief in living life to its fullest. The falsity of their claim were their own posts of their continued issues w/grief. But whatever, no one has to see who they truly are or care who they show the world. I suppose its whatever helps one to get through their grief process ...

People find their own way - mine has always been belief in God as well as the afterlife even though it was quite shaken from Bob's death. For many years, I repeatedly read & reread - like the Bible for some - Michael Newton's books "Journey of Souls" & "Destiny of Souls" to keep my faith. Everything about me was in question during that time including my beliefs in myself as well as the spiritual. They did prompt me to seek further - strengthen & redevelop myself once again like a child maturing for the new journey in my life. Books on the afterlife & programs on the afterlife were the most valuable helpful tools I had found that thankfully I didn't have to leave my home or have to do with or be amongst people to get what I needed. Its a continued belief & interest. Dr. Oz had a segment in one of last week's shows on scientific proof of the soul ...

Its hard to see it now, but it will all get sorted in the time to come ...

Hugs & Blessings ...

"Its no use going back to yesterday because I was a different person then"

- Alice in Wonderland ...

Linda,

I don’t know why grief is so painful. We often experience loss during our lives but losing a spouse is a pain so intense it is hard to put it into words.  But you know we have to experience this in order to heal. It is a slow process requiring a lot of patience but in time, the pain eases and more of those good memories will rise to the surface. Probably not what you’re needing to hear right now, but there will come a time you will find peace and learn how to smile again.

In my view, religion is a personal thing. Hawking was a very intelligent man but this seems to be an area where no one can actually prove either way. It leaves far too many unanswered questions, doesn’t it? My Mother used to say, “ no one’s ever come back to say for sure.”  She would say that whenever a conversation arose debating whether there was a God or not.  

Science is constantly changing, but then again, we find more evidence of things described in the Bible. Recently, a boat was discovered deep in the mud, thought to have once been Jesus’s boat. It seemed to meet the criteria as a real probability. One major reason that makes me believe is love. Our lives are enriched with it along the caring and sharing of other human beings and animals as well. It is what brings purpose to our lives. Some of it may be explained by pheromones, hormones and neurotransmitters but the deep and lasting love requires more than that. I believe it is His gift.

Several years ago, I was in a bereavement group and a question was raised by the facilitator. She asked if there were a pill that could erase the pain and memory of your loved one, would you take it? There were no takers. So maybe grief is the price of love but few of us would relinquish love in order to avoid the pain. I know this is tough right now but please hold onto hope.

A spouse is a cathected partner - it is a special relationship we surround/base our life on ...

A cathexis is concentrated energy on one particular person - a bond unlike any other we have w/loved ones. Our marriage is a commitment to a lifelong partnership. Our parents, siblings & children are meant to be let go of to live life apart from one another. When we move out of our parent's home as well as when the time comes for children to move out of our home. The bond w/them loosens. We will grieve them differently, however, it can change if a tighter bond is formed w/anyone of them as well as with a new spouse ...

The loss of a cathexis is the one we grieve the hardest ...

Linda, I wish I had words to comfort you, but all I can manage are the tears that I keep wiping away in between typing a few words.  I am so sorry for your loss, a loss that was not any easier for knowing of his illness in advance.  I lost my dear husband on January 27, 2018, after 10 years of fighting with his terminal lung condition, fighting back against the pessimistic timelines of the doctors.  I was also his sole caregiver.  Even though we openly talked about death and our respective beliefs, over the 10 year period, nothing prepared me for his death.  He had a strong belief in some kind of afterlife, and talked often of seeing family and friends "on the other side".  For myself, I just don't know.  I do believe that atheism requires just as much faith as religion.  I don't know what happens after we die, and I don't think anyone else does either; regardless of their credentials.  I hope you are able to find comfort somewhere, and to to hold that comfort safe in your heart regardless of people telling you what you should or should not believe.  

All the best, Ma

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