It has been a year since I lost my husband. I'm only 26 years old and the thought of ever being able to marry or have kids doesn't seem possible. People keep asking me if I'm seeing anybody or hows your guy situation?, and the only thing I say is I'll never do it again. To even take the chance of feeling like this again I can't even fatham it, so although I get really lonely and I've hung out with men here and there nothing serious because I tell them from the start that I can't give them what they want and that I am truly broken. I mean will I ever be able to have feelings other then pain and saddness.....
It is still new for you and you are not ready. That is OK. But you are so young to cut yourself off from all possibilities. I know this is not the same as losing a husband, but I remember hurting so badly after yet another broken relationship when I was not much older than you. I met my husband the next day...and all the hurt I had ever experienced went away.
I know it is hard to imagine now...but I will be hoping that your heart heals enough so that you feel that you WANT to give and receive love again.
It's odd that I just saw this post. I bought a book back at Camp Widow East in February called Confessions of a Mediocre Widow by Katherine Tidd. I was going back through the book today because while I read it a couple months ago, I underlined many of her words so I could go back when I needed a "pick me up". I just put the book down, logged in here, and saw your post. So, I will share the last line I just reread because I needed the words. maybe you do too..
"Life is meant to be lived. We are meant to be loved... and to love someone else in return. The fear of loss will always be there. It has to be accepted and dealt with. But the fear of loss should never paralyze the ability to love and live fully......There are very special people in the world who have no problem accepting our past and present love of our spouses while accepting what we have to give to them..."
This is something I am struggling with. I thought that I would wait a year and then be ready to start dating. It hasn't worked like that. I was in Las Vegas for work recently and one of the people I was with asked me to a show, her treat. I couldn't do it. I went back to my hotel room and started crying. I think she just wanted someone to go with more than she was asking me out. Still, I think it will eventually happen. when it happens, it will feel like the right thing to do. I'm going to a parade tomorrow, who knows, maybe I will meet someone there or on the train on the way to downtown. Life is full of possibilities.