I am not ready for dating as it has only been four months since I lost my husband, but I have to get some perspective on something. My husband was the only one married in his family of SIX boys. Yes, all five of his brothers never married.
I went to visit my hometown where both sides of the family are. I saw my side of the family as well as his.
When I visited my father-in-laws house, most of my brother-in-laws (BILs) were there.
I am a middle aged recently widowed woman, and while visiting my father-in-laws, it was apparent that my BILs view me as an available single woman, not as a sister-in-law who just lost her husband. They were respectful as it was my first visit, my son was with me and I wore my wedding band, but I felt like I had all of this MALE attention on me. It was flattering, but it did make me wonder. If one of them wanted to date me, what would I do? They are all attractive enough, but is it weird???? Any one have some perspective on this?
For me it would be wrong now that some more time has passed. The one brother-in-law who seems to be attracted to me is also very negative, self-centered, and is a misogynist as well as a chauvinist. I can see why at 50 years old he is still single. This BIL has been criticizing me to my own 14 year old son. I am cutting him off if it happens again. I don't need toxic people in my life.
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I've heard of others that have married their BIL. Now my SIL married her husbands best friend. I don't see anything wrong with it but I think in a case like that I personally would want to take it really, really slow just to make sure it was the BIL that I was in love with rather then similarities I see in him of my LH. That would be my biggest worry.
Lisa - Thanks for the wise words about making sure it was love and not just similarities in him. I live half way across the country so I am safe from getting involved for the time being.
Oh wow... i just had to chuckle to myself because my husband was the youngest of 4 boys, and he was the only one married. yes, all 3 older bros NOT married. haha!
I am 7 months in, and I have visited my bils a number of times, and its very clear to me that they all view me as their sister. I could not possibly imagine dating any of them either tho, they aren't my bils anymore, they are my bros! but that is not to mean that it shouldn't or can't happen. I think if it does not tear apart the family in any way, then why not!? but I LOVE lisa's advice below! wonderfully said Lisa!
Good luck to you.
I'm glad that your BILs see you as a sister and they are your BROs. My husband died from 9 month battle with cancer and it was during that time that I began to realize I was not viewed by them as a "sister" or a a genuine family member because I felt treated like an outsider. Only one of them sees me as a "family." It was as if they did not recognize that I was his WIFE for over 20 years. My husband and I loved each other and he was my family even though his mothers and brothers apparently did not get this.
I would not get involved if it tore the family apart. I live too far away for a relationship to materialize.
Mariposa, I am also seen by my late husband's family as an outsider. It has been a year and a half, and while they are all polite to me, well, my F-I-L and his wife are, my S-I-L won't speak to me, I know that they just view me as some sort of emotional obligation.
My inlaws are very wealthy, yet every time I call them, they make a point of telling me that they have no money. (Where did those Mercedes's come from, and how did you manage to remodel your kitchen with all new Samsung appliances, while telling me you couldn't afford to help me pay for your son's funeral?)
I have told my children that even though while my husband was alive, there was supposedly a will drawn up that would give us what my husband was to inherit when my f-i-l died, I would expect nothing, as that will, if it ever was signed and dated, has surely been changed by now, and we are out of it.
Skylark- Thanks for sharing your experience. I am sorry that you know what it is like to feel like an outsider regarding your husband's family.
Regarding my brother-in-laws, two of them have so far kept in contact with my son and I and it is just over five months since I lost my husband. I wonder whether that will still happen at the 18 month point where you are now. Only time will tell.
As far as monetary help, I have always known that neither the in-laws or my own family could or would help me. I am truly on my own. In fact, all three of my sisters have dropped major hints about needing money as they have been financial disasters all of their lives. My brother has not made any hints for money, thank goodness. One of my sisters even had the insensitivity to say "If I came into money, I would give everyone a one time gift." Gasp!! I CAME INTO MONEY?? My HUSBAND & FAMILY PROVIDER DIED! I still have a 14 year old son to raise! I do not have a job! I live 1600 miles away from where I grew up, so while I am healing, I am grateful that I am far away so they can not take advantage of my vulnerability during this time of mourning the loss of my husband.
Yes, death brings out both the best and worst in people.
Take care of yourself. I wish you healing and peace. -Mariposa
Wow!Thanks for sharing.
Just so you know, I will make sure nothing comes of this because of certain negative traits that I see in his family.