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i get tired from the response...."Oh your so strong, I wouldn't be able to go thru this like you"
Are you kidding me People....really....I get a badge of strongness cause I am making it. I am sorry but this type of strong I did not choose, aren't I the lucky one that I can hold my head high, be brave, be highly perceptive to others feelings, filter my pain, filter my thought, edit my words...just because my husband died and yours didn't it....Aren't I lucky that I am so strong....
Usually I reply...."you would be able to do this too"....then they say "oh no way".....then I usually end this hypothetical discussion by saying...."John was a great guy and he deserves it"....or sometimes I say "John was so strong - he set the tone"
Does anyway have this compliment thrown their way and what do you respond???
I get this too and my answers vary:
I think "they" are trying to compliment us, trying to say the right thing, they don't know there isn't a right thing to say. I like your "You would be able to do this too." Think I'll start using that.
My "pat" response is: "I don't have a choice. Curling up in a ball in the corner is not an option."
At this point I usually will turn the conversation back around to be about them and the conversation takes off from there. Quite honestly, I don't think most people (outside of a few) want to hear about how frickin hard it is each and every day just to get out of bed. I know they mean well, but for all the issues in life we are prepared for, like parenting, maintaining a home, driving a car, the treatment of others, you know, just EVERYDAY stuff..... knowledge of death and of grief is seriously lacking, yet it is an everyday occurance and it will happen to all of us at some point.
Right after my husband died, I saw this on facebook "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". Being 'strong' doesn't mean that I wanted my husband to die, nor does it mean that I'm happy that I'm a widow, or that I don't cry all the time and miss him terribly. It means that I still have a life to live, and kids and a house to take care of, so I have to put one foot in front of the other and try to pick up the pieces.
I totally agree that it is the choice of - a conscious decision to heal...or should I say a deliberate decision...cause it still sucks but the carpet needs vacumned - my car resembles a purse on wheels and my bathroom is in a state I never could of predicted...which is ironic...because when I happily shared a bathroom with my husband I often thought..."oh my god..if I had this bathroom to myself it would be so clean..no toothpaste splats on the mirror or mustache hairs....but hey the joke is now on me because for the life of me I can't or don't have any desire to keep a clean bathroom...it actually is worse than my bathrooms from college days...why do I degress, why don't I care ....I guess it is because basically I am not sharing it with the man I love so...really is it important...but back to being strong...what does that actually mean..am I strong because I can now drive and sing occassionally to the radio? am I strong because my tears have evolved...I hate that I am strong...I hate that I am alone...I hate that no one nudges me to get out of the way or no one asks me about my day...so really is strong equivalent with adjusting and hating that you have to adjust...I just don't know
Yes, I also get "tired" of the your so strong. Usually say well it's not like I had a choice. or I'm doing the best I can. I too miss the whiskers in the sink, the toothpaste spatters, the underwear about 3 inches from making the hamper.. "the where is_________?
If they only knew how hard it is to put on a brave front and go out into the *&^ world. To make all the decsions on your own. some days to even give a damn.