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Born in the 90s

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Members: 44
Latest Activity: Aug 2

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Comment by Tanne on July 29, 2020 at 10:13am

Hi Rebekah, welcome to this forum, it's nice to meet you but I'm so sorry for your loss. Just because you know it happens, doesn't lessen the pain... my husband died from a brain tumour about 9 months after it was diagnosed. We knew, that it was terminal but we had never thought it would go that fast. Like you I prepared for being a single mum without having had the chance to be a mom at all because it all went by way too fast. I'm 29 years old as well, my husband was 30 when he passed away last year in October. If you're looking for further exchange feel free to write me a pm. Sending hugs to you <3

Comment by T_Bex on July 28, 2020 at 10:01am

Hello, 

My name is Rebekah, I am 29 years old, and I lost my partner on July 8th, 2020. Chris and I had been together only 3.5 years, and while we were not yet legally married, we were planning the wedding, so I hope I am welcome here. Chris had sickle cell anemia, and I knew from our second date that I would lose him early; however, I never expected to lose him this early. We should have had at least 10 more years together. Every time I prepared for this moment, I planned on how to tell our kids, and how to be a single mother - I never expected to lose him before I had a chance to have any of that. 

Chris was one of the most selfless, loving, and strongest people you would ever meet. He continually beat odds his whole life. When he was born, they said he wouldn't make it to 2 years. Then it was 12, then 20... he fought hard every time the doctors said he didn't have a chance, and came through so much in his life. He faced challenge after challenge in his life because of his disease, but he never let that define him or affect his zeal for life. He made every opportunity in life a chance to smile and be happy, and those he smiled with he called family. He was one of those rare people who inspire everyone they come into contact with: through teaching at different schools, or impacting youth in his church, there are thousands of people who call him friend and mentor. Honestly, I've been blown away these last 3.5 years that I was special enough to be "his person". I loved him more than I ever thought possible - he was good to me and good for me. He taught me what love is, and how to love myself as much as he loved me. I never believed in soul mates until I met Christopher. 

He went to the hospital on June 30th for what we thought was another sickle cell crisis. In a few days, it became apparent that he was much sicker than any of us had seen him before: his liver and kidneys were failing, and he was having profuse nosebleeds that couldn't stop, because his liver wasn't producing any clotting factors. Just a few short days later, his body gave in to its weakness and stopped functioning. In the last few hours we decided to make him a DNR, since he was showing no signs of brain activity, and the hospital allowed me to stay at his bedside until the last moment. 

He was only 32 years old - young, even by sickle cell standards. I miss him every minute of every day, and am just trying to figure out how to handle life without him. I hope to find community here to grieve and walk through this process together. I found this group through a book my sister gave me called "It's OK that you're not OK"

One thing I realized after Chris passed, when talking to my grandmother who lost my grandfather after 50 years of marriage is that we all grieve the same way. Just because we are young, doesn't mean we don't grieve just as much as those who lost their partner after 50/60 years of marriage. Where they have memories to grieve, we have the "should have" "could have" "would have"s that we were planning our whole lives around. So I hope nobody here feels as though they cannot grieve as much as someone who had their partner for longer, because who is to say the memories are harder (or easier?) to grieve than the "what I should have had"s. 

Comment by Lulu on December 30, 2019 at 11:32am

Hey!

nope I never got any looks or comments when people broke big news to me. If I apologized later most said they didn’t even notice. Sometimes I feel like I worry about those things more then I should but I can’t help it. 

We are both brave and resillient women! I know at times it seems soo impossible but I’ve been there and am there too and I believe you can do it!

Comment by Tanne on December 29, 2019 at 12:33pm

Hi Lulu,

thank you so much for your comment! Yes, this definitely helps :)

Some of these are exactly my thoughts like "well, i have way more time to miss this person than you do".

I really like the idea of your friends telling you their big news before so you had time to prepare yourself! May I ask if you got any weird looks/comments because you were sad for example when someone announced that they are becoming parents? Because like you said, I'm happy for them but it hurts inside myself and I don't want to make other people feel bad because of their happiness :/

This week I watched an engagement scene on television and it made me cry so hard because I remembered my own, I can barely imagine how it would be right not to attend a wedding. You are a very brave and strong women :)

Comment by Lulu on December 27, 2019 at 9:19pm

Hi Tanne,

I’m so sorry it’s so hard! I hate that comment too! And the assumption that I will be okay because I can ‘just find someone else’. Sometimes when people talk about how I’m so younge I let them know that it I my means I have more time to miss them. I especially hate when older widows tell me’oh I’ll never date again but you have to’. As if they are free if they are condemning me to do something I don’t want to do, as if I’m not just like them and so in love with my husband that I also don’t want to date. Now that I am a few years out I am dating, but so are these older widows who told me they never would either. It’s just all around hard to hear those comments and there isn’t much to say to them. But just know that you are not alone and all of us younge widows get Jose comments and know how you feel. 

Having my friends just starting their families was and is soo hard. I just try to keep my space when I need it. My friends were pretty good and used to pretell me big news so I wouldn’t hear it the first time in a large group. That gave me time to cry it out and deal with some of the sadness so I could show some happiness for them. It’s soo hard because I was soo happy for them but it hurt me soo much. I also try to focus and remember the good times when my husband was still alive and I had the love they are only just getting. I went to many weddings that first year and I would just sit at the back and leave for a bit and come back when I was ready. I still leave to have a good cry at weddings then come back and join the festivities. I hope some of this helps! And I’m sorry you haven’t been able to find anyone young out there locally. We young widows definitely exist so you are not alone :)

Comment by Tanne on December 27, 2019 at 9:16am

Hi everyone, I'm wondering if this group is still active?

I lost my husband in October to a brain tumour at the age of 28, no children yet. I'm from Germany but it is extremely difficult to find any widows in that age group so I decided to try and reach out internationally.

I would love to get some feedback, for example how you deal with people telling you that "you're still young and you'll probably find another partner in no time" or how you deal with people around you getting married and starting a family while your own life feels like its been reset.

Comment by Babycakes1993 on September 6, 2019 at 1:31pm

Hello I'm new to this group. I'm 23 years old. The love of my life, the father of my two young children passed away Dec 2nd, 2018. My children and I found Daniel dead on our living floor. We were to be wed but my darling passed away 3 months before our wedding. Also he died the day before his 25th birthday. As you can imagine it was a very difficult day and Christmas was horrible. He did wrap presents before he passed that were for the children n I. It was a very emotional time for me. 9 months later I still struggle, fallen into a deep depression, no appetite, lost interest in things and can't sleep because I have nightmares. My daughter who is 3 is having a very difficult time she is more expressive then my son who is 2. He was 1 1/2 at the time my darling passed. My daughter understands more talks about how daddy was dead on our living room floor at old apartment and has many meltdowns. My son since not being able to express himself I have no idea what he is feeling. All he says is he wants daddy. I feel so alone. Hoping to find support here! 

Comment by Lulu on September 21, 2018 at 3:21pm

Hey Kat, my favourite books are ‘I wasn’t ready to say goodbye’ and ‘I’m grieving as fast as I can’. I agree with you Megraf, I’ve made new friends too. It was soo hard but has made the days a lot easier. 

Comment by kat on September 21, 2018 at 12:13pm

Hi Megraf, thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. My therapist has told me many times I need to make new friends that are supportive and nurturing (because the few I have, which is essentially zero) are the opposite of that. Nights are so awful, I agree. I hope time will help me live in parallel with this awful grief. 

Comment by Megraf on September 20, 2018 at 8:45am

Hey!

I am so sorry that any of us have to be in this group at all- or even on this website. I was also 25 when I lost my husband, only married 1 1/2 years. It is so hard to find people our age that understand what we are going through. I lost Bran early Easter morning of 2016. It has gotten a little easier, but I had to make the decision that I didn't want to live that way anymore. Being in pain all the time was not who I used to be and I wanted to go back to my old self so I had to force myself to go out and make new friends. It was really hard when all you wanted to do was be alone and be sad, but in the end, when I went out, it turned out to be for the better.  At least during the day I can be present in "life," it isn't always that way at night though. I would have to agree with Lulu on how to get past the lowest of lows. In a weird way, it is a comfort to know that we all go through them. Screaming and crying until you can't handle it anymore. I still look at old pictures and videos of my husband and need to hold things that were once his and sleep in his old shirts. It has gotten much easier, and somehow you will be able to go through life without him. It seems impossible, but you just do it. I am here if you ever want to talk as well. It is so much easier talking to other widows/widowers. 

 

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