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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Born in the 90s

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Members: 42
Latest Activity: Jul 4

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Comment by Lulu on December 30, 2019 at 11:32am

Hey!

nope I never got any looks or comments when people broke big news to me. If I apologized later most said they didn’t even notice. Sometimes I feel like I worry about those things more then I should but I can’t help it. 

We are both brave and resillient women! I know at times it seems soo impossible but I’ve been there and am there too and I believe you can do it!

Comment by Tanne on December 29, 2019 at 12:33pm

Hi Lulu,

thank you so much for your comment! Yes, this definitely helps :)

Some of these are exactly my thoughts like "well, i have way more time to miss this person than you do".

I really like the idea of your friends telling you their big news before so you had time to prepare yourself! May I ask if you got any weird looks/comments because you were sad for example when someone announced that they are becoming parents? Because like you said, I'm happy for them but it hurts inside myself and I don't want to make other people feel bad because of their happiness :/

This week I watched an engagement scene on television and it made me cry so hard because I remembered my own, I can barely imagine how it would be right not to attend a wedding. You are a very brave and strong women :)

Comment by Lulu on December 27, 2019 at 9:19pm

Hi Tanne,

I’m so sorry it’s so hard! I hate that comment too! And the assumption that I will be okay because I can ‘just find someone else’. Sometimes when people talk about how I’m so younge I let them know that it I my means I have more time to miss them. I especially hate when older widows tell me’oh I’ll never date again but you have to’. As if they are free if they are condemning me to do something I don’t want to do, as if I’m not just like them and so in love with my husband that I also don’t want to date. Now that I am a few years out I am dating, but so are these older widows who told me they never would either. It’s just all around hard to hear those comments and there isn’t much to say to them. But just know that you are not alone and all of us younge widows get Jose comments and know how you feel. 

Having my friends just starting their families was and is soo hard. I just try to keep my space when I need it. My friends were pretty good and used to pretell me big news so I wouldn’t hear it the first time in a large group. That gave me time to cry it out and deal with some of the sadness so I could show some happiness for them. It’s soo hard because I was soo happy for them but it hurt me soo much. I also try to focus and remember the good times when my husband was still alive and I had the love they are only just getting. I went to many weddings that first year and I would just sit at the back and leave for a bit and come back when I was ready. I still leave to have a good cry at weddings then come back and join the festivities. I hope some of this helps! And I’m sorry you haven’t been able to find anyone young out there locally. We young widows definitely exist so you are not alone :)

Comment by Tanne on December 27, 2019 at 9:16am

Hi everyone, I'm wondering if this group is still active?

I lost my husband in October to a brain tumour at the age of 28, no children yet. I'm from Germany but it is extremely difficult to find any widows in that age group so I decided to try and reach out internationally.

I would love to get some feedback, for example how you deal with people telling you that "you're still young and you'll probably find another partner in no time" or how you deal with people around you getting married and starting a family while your own life feels like its been reset.

Comment by Babycakes1993 on September 6, 2019 at 1:31pm

Hello I'm new to this group. I'm 23 years old. The love of my life, the father of my two young children passed away Dec 2nd, 2018. My children and I found Daniel dead on our living floor. We were to be wed but my darling passed away 3 months before our wedding. Also he died the day before his 25th birthday. As you can imagine it was a very difficult day and Christmas was horrible. He did wrap presents before he passed that were for the children n I. It was a very emotional time for me. 9 months later I still struggle, fallen into a deep depression, no appetite, lost interest in things and can't sleep because I have nightmares. My daughter who is 3 is having a very difficult time she is more expressive then my son who is 2. He was 1 1/2 at the time my darling passed. My daughter understands more talks about how daddy was dead on our living room floor at old apartment and has many meltdowns. My son since not being able to express himself I have no idea what he is feeling. All he says is he wants daddy. I feel so alone. Hoping to find support here! 

Comment by Lulu on September 21, 2018 at 3:21pm

Hey Kat, my favourite books are ‘I wasn’t ready to say goodbye’ and ‘I’m grieving as fast as I can’. I agree with you Megraf, I’ve made new friends too. It was soo hard but has made the days a lot easier. 

Comment by kat on September 21, 2018 at 12:13pm

Hi Megraf, thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. My therapist has told me many times I need to make new friends that are supportive and nurturing (because the few I have, which is essentially zero) are the opposite of that. Nights are so awful, I agree. I hope time will help me live in parallel with this awful grief. 

Comment by Megraf on September 20, 2018 at 8:45am

Hey!

I am so sorry that any of us have to be in this group at all- or even on this website. I was also 25 when I lost my husband, only married 1 1/2 years. It is so hard to find people our age that understand what we are going through. I lost Bran early Easter morning of 2016. It has gotten a little easier, but I had to make the decision that I didn't want to live that way anymore. Being in pain all the time was not who I used to be and I wanted to go back to my old self so I had to force myself to go out and make new friends. It was really hard when all you wanted to do was be alone and be sad, but in the end, when I went out, it turned out to be for the better.  At least during the day I can be present in "life," it isn't always that way at night though. I would have to agree with Lulu on how to get past the lowest of lows. In a weird way, it is a comfort to know that we all go through them. Screaming and crying until you can't handle it anymore. I still look at old pictures and videos of my husband and need to hold things that were once his and sleep in his old shirts. It has gotten much easier, and somehow you will be able to go through life without him. It seems impossible, but you just do it. I am here if you ever want to talk as well. It is so much easier talking to other widows/widowers. 

Comment by kat on September 20, 2018 at 7:00am

Hi Lulu

thanks for all the suggestions and advice, I actually am going to Camp Widow ( think the one in Toronto and Tampa) so hopefully I will meet some people my age there as well... I don't have any social media. Jacob was against it his whole life and as soon as he passed I just couldn't continue with it. It really has shown me who my true friends are though, which people will notice if you drop off... no one!

Thank you for those suggestions... I watch videos of him and listen to music we shared often. I cry so much. I need to start reading grief books, though. For some reason when I go to read them it makes it seem "final" and much too real. I want to stay frozen in time. Do you have any you recommend? One for someone new to reading these kinds of books? I would love to keep in touch, my e-mail is [email protected] and my phone number is 941-468-4933 that goes to anyone in this group who wants a friend or needs someone to talk to!

Comment by Lulu on September 20, 2018 at 2:57am

Hi Kat,

I’m so sorry you have reason to be in this group but im glad you reached out. I was your age when my husband passed away on his birthday :(.  Also no kids as we were married less then a year before sudden death shattered our life together (well mostly mine I guess it ended his). I’m 2 years out now and all I can say is it can get better so hold on to hope :). 

Im so sorry no one reached out at the one year. :( That must have felt awful! I like to write a post on Facebook that day and other important days to help people know I need support. Something along the lines of ‘hey, I miss you like crazy and I love you more then ever, so glad I got to know you’ kinda thing. Maybe that will help the people in your life? I actually spend a few days before the actual day composing it and rereading it since those days are so painful too. 

You’ve asked how to get through the misery and I think you have to find what works for you but I can tell you what I do. :)  In my lowest moments I like to do one of the following: read a Greif book (makes me feel understood and not alone), listen to music that reminds me of him (helps me cry it out), sometimes go for a run (makes my legs hurt more then my heart and it’s aupposed to be healthy), look at pictures or videos of him (again let’s me cry it out). I think the thing that has helped me the most in the long term has been realizing I’m not alone by meeting other people in our situation so I’m glad you found us! Have you ever been to Camp Widow? The people I met there turned my outlook on the situation around, they gave me soo much hope. There are sadly so many of us who really understand, and who are traveling with us. Everyone at camp is amazing and I got to meet people my age in person! Let’s keep in touch :)

 

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