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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Born in the 40s or Earlier

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Born in the 40s or Earlier

Groups are a place to connect with others you have something in common with. Please get acquainted here and make friends anywhere on the site.

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Members: 237
Latest Activity: Apr 10

Discussion Forum

Coping with yearning for dead husband

Started by Noelene T. Last reply by tapevad Feb 25. 14 Replies

 I am new to this group and I lost my husband of 26 years on Valentine’s Day this year. He was 85 and I am not 79. I had been married before but he had not. We had a wonderful marriage and he was the…Continue

First post - Aloha

Started by bellgamin. Last reply by Bonnie Jan 6. 8 Replies

My  first post. Aloha from Hawaii. I was born in 1930 when (as they say) dinosaurs roamed the streets of Honolulu.My wife, Imiko, & I had been married for 56 years when she died of cancer. She…Continue

Unfortunately finding myself here

Started by InsideLove. Last reply by Gwamma Jan 5. 8 Replies

My husband died on Aug 28, unexpectedly..I have a grief counselor- her husband passed away at 47 years of marriage too and so, she traveled this path. I do have a grief group, 4 widows 1 widower.…Continue

Joining seven weeks after my wife's death

Started by Neush. Last reply by sis Jan 3. 11 Replies

We seem to have been blessed.  We had a long (43 years) and happy marriage, jobs that we both enjoyed, two daughters and four grandchildren that live nearby, a home and neighborhood we enjoy.  We…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by laurajay on April 10, 2019 at 6:50pm

Laurel.  welcome.  Nice to  have a new poster.  Out  of  237  members  I don't  think even  10% of our members  ever  post  or join in  here.  By next yr  in 2020  everyone  here  will be 70  or older  so we really are  senior  members  with  long  histories and in many  cases  long  marriages.  We soon if not now  will know  more  people well who  have  died  than  those  we know  well  that are living.   Younger  widows  and  widowers  have  a different  perspective than  many of us.  It's  good to hear  how others are coping  as they  age  moving forward.  I seem to  harp  on aging  but  it is such  a factor at some point  when  you lose  abilities it makes  a difference  in the  quality  of life.  Never  easy  to be estranged  from  loved  family members.  Most  of us would like  acceptance  and peace  in those matters  I  think.  I certainly  have  learned  that  peace  comes  in greater degree  when  I  realize  I can not  change  others  nor  what they  think  and believe. I can offer  love but if it is not wanted  or received  I  have  to  quietly  offer it up  and move on.   Very  hard  with  difficult  family  members  for sure.    Anyway, Laurel.  welcome.   Come  again soon.     hugs    lj

Comment by Bonnie on April 9, 2019 at 3:24pm

Laurel, I think you and I are facing similar experiences and challenges.  I have a group of friends who are also widows and we do things together regularly: have season tickets for the local symphony, share a painting studio and gather there a couple of days a week.  That has all been good and this year, nearly five years on, I am doing more and enjoying it more as it was a real struggle for a long time.  But still—traveling isn’t the same without him. In fact, it now has less appeal and I used to love to just keep my suitcase packed.  My sons have been very attentive and supportive but my daughter who lives only a hour away seldom calls and I almost never see her or her four sons.  She has a busy life and a demanding job but I don’t think a call every now and then just to say, “How are you doing, Mom?” would take much time and would mean a lot to me.  I used to call her but stopped as I felt that it was never a good time.  So it’s been hard.  And I do keep thinking that if I move I might find things easier, but I am also afraid that it wouldn’t really make much difference and I might then regret doing it.  Everything just seems SO uncertain, I seem SO  unable to just move on and everything just seems so HARD.   I don’t know how much is my age although I am in good health and active and how much is depression and how much is normal reaction to losing my best friend and companion.  Life had changed for us even before he died as he had dementia for 5 and a half years and the steady decline was awful.  So for almost then years now I have been engaged in trying to adjust, always trying to adjust.  I just hope i can look forward to easier times to come.  So I sympathize with your feelings.  They seem very familiar.

Comment by only1sue on April 9, 2019 at 2:57pm

Laurel, the family are good to have around but somewhere along the line we have to live independently. I like you are six years on and have a life, well more of a routine actually. Good friends and acquaintances have been a while adjusting but are around now. I am estranged from my sister which is sad but that has been ongoing for 30 years on and off. Glad you posted, it is a good group and there is a lot of wisdom and support herr.

Comment by Laurel on April 9, 2019 at 12:28pm

I do not believe I've been on this wall and have posted very little in the past 7 years.  Kind of didn't know where to start when I found Widowed Village and am not real literate when it comes to computers.  

My husband died in 2012 of cancer - multiple myeloma from Agent Orange in Viet Nam.  We did a lot of traveling after we retired in 2002, and I miss that so much.  Have a friend who is a widow and her and I have done some traveling within the US.  Would love to meet a group of people on here who like to travel or would just like to get together somewhere for a weekend.

I also struggle at times with the thought of staying in my home (I still have a mortgage) or moving to a 55+ place and then I think "no"... really sounds too darn stressful to move.  So I guess I'll stay here as long as I'm able.  I feel like Frank - don't want anything to do with the "games the residents play".  I'm too active and have friends that I do not want to leave, but this house gets so-o-o large many days and every single night.  I find Sundays are the worse day of the week.  Everyone seems to be with family and it's a lonely time for me.  I have four children; 1 out of state and two within 100 miles  (they all are my rocks and keep me grounded) and then I have my youngest,(she's 46) who doesn't speak to me anymore....having an estranged daughter is really sad, but I've had to learn to live with it.  I feel that she still has not learned how to deal with her father's death, but I pray she will some day.  Hopefully her counseling with help her.  

Thank you for listening.  

Comment by Faolan on April 9, 2019 at 8:41am

Yes, my husband would blow lightbulb one after t'other at first, move things, then eventually I saw him and heard him. Jewish people believe their spirits move on after a year, but personally, and it is 6 yrs this year for me, I still sense his presence. It definitely isn't ",grief" or imagination. I don't blame you for staying put, 

Comment by eightracker on April 9, 2019 at 8:30am

It seems that every morning when I wake up, I think about Mary in her coffin, or on her deathbed, and it's been like that since I lost her a little over two years ago.  I'll go into her tribute room and wish her good morning, and her energy continues to leave signs for me, usually by opening the two lower drawers in the desk I use with the PC.  I have to say, sometimes I see it occurring, and it's amazing to see a drawer seemingly open "all by itself". The other day I heard a loud crash, like a teacup and saucer falling on the floor, and rolling around a bit.  I searched everywhere in the house twice, but no evidence of anything physical.  She'll do that occasionally, causing a sound like something falling and hitting the floor.

I agree with others that at night the lonely-ness (for her) is damn near unbearable, and I drink to ease the emotional pain.  I had this 4,061 sf single level house built for her & I  27 years ago, and even though I live alone, I've told my errors, er, heirs, that I'll leave here feet first; ain't no way I'm moving.  Myself and this residence are her anchors.

Comment by Frank on April 8, 2019 at 9:20pm

Laura,

My reference to the BINGO and the black out was analogous to my waiting for the Good Lord to say it's time.

It had nothing to do with assisted living and the games the residents play.

It's not yet my time to enroll in the Soldiers & Sailor's home.  But if I live that long, I will give them lessons in double deck pinochle.  I'll go easy on them... Just fifty cents a game, penny a point, payday stakes.

HUGS,

Frank

Comment by Noelene T on April 8, 2019 at 6:05pm

I would do it all again in a heartbeat. He used to say to me that he was a burden. When he said that i told him that what I did for him was a labour of love, which it was. I till mis him so much. As you say the sheer loneliness at night is the worst. I still long for his touch and his lovely smile. I guess we just have to do the best we can and be grateful for the years we had with them. But it is still hard. Best wishes.

Comment by laurajay on April 8, 2019 at 5:49am

sorry  for  the spelling  errors….me     social      No time to rewrite  and repost.

Comment by laurajay on April 8, 2019 at 5:47am

Oh Nolene.  Such  a  testament  to your love  for your  husband.  Behind the scenes  things  happen in a long marriage that are not  all pleasant for sure.  Seems  to my your  move was  just the right thing for  you to  make to be able to put  away  those  care-giving  experiences.  I don't  know  that I could have  done what  you did...  You keep moving  forward  in your progress. 14mo  is  still pretty  fresh grief.  Give yourself  more time.  I know  it really  hurts. For  some  reason  being  sick this past  winter with the  limiting  pain  of shingles  I miss my husband more  than ever...realizing  exactly  how  alone  we are  when we are ill.   Glad  you have  a socil connection nearby  you can utilize  when the need arises.  I love  and need  my alone  time  but  it's   sheer  loneliness  at night  when day is  done and your  best  friend is  no longer  there  with you and for you.   hugs  lj

 

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