Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

Born in the 40s or earlier

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Born in the 40s or earlier

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Members: 141
Latest Activity: 8 hours ago

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Comment by gardenlady 8 hours ago
I just finished reading the comments from today. Being well over 70 I feel the same way about just "going out for a coffee" etc. What I am finding now that it is 6 monrhs for me, is to try to make myself keep to a schedule for the day and the day of the week. At first I was so devastated that I just watched any old thing on tv just for noise and slept in the recliner, cried and ate junk after the last of my family left. We had a memorial service to plan for 2 months after so I was forced to get ready for that...including keep the house clean as there would be so many family (I have 14 grandkids).
Once that was over it was back to the same old routine....my house and yard and myself started getting "out of condition". At some point it hit me that no one could make me change but me...and I started to make out a plan. At first I tried to improve just one area and make one phone call a day. This really did help me see that I could do things alone and make a difference in my current awful sad life. Now I have organized the bookwork so I can keep up with the bills by myself. I have touched base with old high school and college friends (some are widows too). I call and write the grandkids and fuss over their birthdays etc more...(they are missing their grandpa). I have been in touch w/ our children in new ways....they all miss their Dad. This is a challenge too because I can't fill that void...talking about football, cars etc.
These are just a few things that I have found that is helping me make some meaning in my very lonely days. Each day I can make my routine better seems to feel like a victory. The worst part of the day is about 4:30 pm when I think about supper, the news and evening tv....there is no one to care or share and this is usually my weepiest time. Does anyone have any suggestions for this problem?
Comment by Flames68 9 hours ago

Maggie As a over 70 I so agree with you as I started out trying to think positive and keeping busy, joined a couple of groups but found that when you go home you still feel empty. Find the long days with nothing to look forward to or anyone to talk to for days the hardest and then start feeling sorry for myself for not being more outgoing. I too hope things get better as at our age there isn't to many things to join or keep busy at. I do read alot and listen to music but find I think about things the way you do. Now I can't even be bothered to go out most days even for a coffee as doesn't seem any sense. Was busier when my husband first died getting estate settled and redoing my will and having the odd out of town company.

Comment by Maggie 12 hours ago
I've seen a trend in others and myself as well. My mother and MIL cleaned out stuff ( of course) then they did some redecorating and traveling, mostly to see relatives and of course, the paperwork and all that. And yes, we are retired and and new hobbies do seem flat now with no one to share with. No one to share anything much with now. For me, I added new things, classes, social events etc. but eventually, you end up tired of the busy busy and all of the activities start to subside and the loneliness that underlies all of this surfaces. Also in our age group, for most, a new relationship is too much work and many of us feel our husbands can't be replaced and our love for them is just too permanent. Plus there's so many more older women than men. And then there's the health issues. So far I'm ok there, but time will change that. For any of us without children, that could become very lonely down the road. I am going backwards, Brendab, no doubt about it and I can't see a turn around. I can only hope it levels out at some point. It just seems so pointless...just the reality of it all. At least we can all keep in touch here and offer understanding and consolation. We are NOT alone here even though we are strangers in a way. I'm always here for all of you if you need to vent...anytime
Comment by katpilot 14 hours ago

I think that is so common brendab.  I too was quite productive at first. I learned to do so much of the many jobs Kathy did around the house. I fixed things, cleaned, cooked, and did the laundry. Now the energy and the sense of needing to do something has waned. Perhaps it's the being alone in it all that finally gets to us. Or maybe it's just the fact that we are the only one's we do it for and we don't care as much. My sister reminded me of when my grandfather died and how our mom was so busy doing so much at first. Then when my mom passed, my aunt was in our house and started doing laundry and cleaning.   Perhaps this is a behavior in grief. Perhaps it is a way of running from it. Just a thought.

Comment by brendab 23 hours ago

I seem to be going backward instead of forward.  It has been 14 months for me.  The first year I cooked, cleaned, ran errands and remodeled my house.  The last two months I can barely motivate myself to get dressed.  I thought my life would sort itself out but this is not happening.  I am retired with health issues and fear what the future holds.  Knowing I am not alone on this journey helps.  Thanks everyone for sharing.

Comment by sonja7 yesterday

I totally agree with the comments that this group feels more comfortable and has been of more help for me than any other in the village.  The age at which you are widowed seems to be more significant for relating than any other factor.  For me, the second important factor is the number of years of aloneness.  But it is not a close second.  Those of us who are now facing our senior years alone seem to be experiencing a double whammy. Most of us are retired and don't have a job to go to anymore.  And the advice to get new interests seems shallow to me.  We were retired together for 9 years.  I was happy with my situation.  If I had wanted to pursue a new interest, I certainly could have.  My husband was always supportive of me and I of him.  But the things I was interested in have been deprived of meaning, some partially ( I still love and have interest in our family, tinged with the sadness that he isn't here to share our grandson's growing up, etc.), and some totally (I won't give any examples here, there are too many).  I have made some new friends, but as everyone else has said, the loneliness is there when you get back home.

Hugs to all.

Comment by Maggie yesterday
Hearts forever ...I had a close friend hurt me too and I'll never understand why. Shortly before my husbands death, she said some ugly things about him being too controlling...my God, he was dying from cancer and scared. Then she was always telling me how I should feel and that I needed pills because I was depressed after he died and hated to go home to an empty house...no kidding! I was appalled and so hurt. When someone is dying, you don't criticize them to their spouse who is hurting and afraid! It's not rocket science. I've seen a side of her that others have not, so I keep it to myself....yes another hurt. But all others have been kind and supportive and I'm so lucky for that. I understand moving closer to you remaining child. Family counts. Hopefully it is a big enough town where you can also make some of your own friends
Comment by HeartsForever yesterday

I too miss those tender moments and touches from our 42 yrs together.  The last few months it seemed though all we did was go to the dr. and come home to discuss it, and he would sleep or rest a lot.  His use of oxygen the last yr or so did not even help as much as it should to keep him more interested in life.  We rarely went out with friends or to dinner those months, he was just too tired.  But we had close moments and he would work on projects when he felt up to it sitting in his craft room, our dog by his side.  Between the noise of the oxygen machine and c-pap machine, I often would get up in the middle of the night and find a quieter place to sleep,  I needed my rest to get through another day.  It saddens me now to think I might have missed on any special moments or conversations we might have had at the end.  I've really been feeling melancholy the last few weeks again.  One of my best friends hurt me deeply from a comment she made about my grieving.  When I asked her later why she said it she denied it all.  A friend I really loved and trusted.  So another hurt to pile on the rest.  I'm thinking more about the possibility or moving closer to my only remaining child.  At least I wouldn't have that fear of totally being alone in life.  Hope you all are having a good day.  Oh, and I too like this age group to message with.  I feel close to you all, even though I haven't met you.

Comment by Lady v yesterday

katpilot,laurajay, i thnk you speak for us all. The touch that was so much a part of everyday - back rubs, foot rubs, holding hands, kissing, and just the look in his eyes - i am seven months out  and I miss my John everyday. I too look to his perspective, I speak to him and I hear his voice in my head.  I write to him nightly and I end my letters with these words, "walk with me,John"  This is a hard and lonely road and it helps to connect with all fellow travelers.

Comment by Maggie yesterday
Laurajay,MFARM,Katpilot ....I relate so to all of you and Lj, your post really says just how I feel. I'm only at 1 1/2 yrs, but I'm just so lonely even around people. And yes just the touch and an "I love you" spoken so often, sharing coffee sitting on our deck...so many little things never to return. I do feel for me it is only getting worse. I have tried so many things to stay busy and I now realize they only give temporary relief. There was not much real joy in them. I'm in a quandary now what to do about staying here in my home or moving back to Fla with my dear and closest friend who is divorced and my age. We want to share a home together, so as we become "little old ladies" , we are not alone. I have no children and she has a son, but he lives far away. She is here now visiting me for a few weeks and while I'm so grateful for her company and we are doing lots of touristy things, it, to my surprise,has not abated my loneliness. I thought it would. But she is not my husband and I still feel so lonely. I have pretty much decided that I won't ever find another love. It was just meant to be my husband or no one. Too much history and a strong bond, even with problems, to start that over again with someone else. I'm afraid I would want it too much and would be hurt all over again. I had some guilt issues and hurt feeling issues with my marriage the last few years and I just can't seem to get past them. I feel old and tired and beaten...like Ok..I give up...fate, you have won. Just needed to vent.peace is all I wish for or can hope for....and it alludes me. Thanks for all of you for being here. I like that we have our age group to relate. I think our mindset and circumstances are different than a 40 or 50 yr old widow or widower...I come here to be so not alone
 

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