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Born in the 40s or Earlier

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Born in the 40s or Earlier

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Members: 195
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Comment by Jim yesterday

HI Hope.  Yes.  Its much more challenging.  Am 82 now and thinking am 50.  How about that?  I have to make sure my health is OK...I workout; keep in shape physically so I do not need physical assistance from anyone.  I binge watching TV only because there are no meetings or appointments to go to.  If weather permits, I try and go fishing with retiree friends.  I read a lot.  And I call my sons and a colleague on FaceTime which is a daily treat for me.  I'd like to have some female companionship to fill the emptiness in my day, but I've not had them.  I meet them at church, but its nothing like an ongoing friendship.  I see a woman therapist and she listens well, but its not an ongoing friendship either.  Yes.  I can laugh, tell stories and have distractions to take my mind off my wife.  But, invariably the loneliness returns when am in my car and I replay thoughts of my wife.  I'd think of her in this house, and I'd break down crying.  I miss her.   I don't know how one can escape this pain.  Am sorry I cannot offer more help, Hope.  Just sharing our pain is helpful.  What does an 82 year old guy do to find affection and love?  My wife was the only person (who I believe) loved me.

Comment by Hope yesterday

I am going on 11 months and miss my husband so much. At  69 and not working now I am finding it difficult to navigate each day. I am active in a few groups and get out regularly but there has to be more. Wondering how I will learn to smile and laugh and enjoy life again. Perhaps I am impatient. What are you finding gives you peace? I think at our age it may be just that much more challenging.

Comment by Jim on May 20, 2016 at 7:48am

Thanks, Laurajay, for your kind words of assurance.  Yes.  There are times when I believe Mabel is "inside" me, i.e., we lived together so long and have assimilated our thoughts so much its difficult to discern where she begins and when I take over in our lives together.  Yes.  I believe her Spirit is alive and well, and  I  believe she is "beside" and probably inside me.  I find myself thinking the way she thought.  Remembering lessons we learned together, remembering comments she made that pops up in my head; remembering things she taught me, how to set up and run the dish washer,  how she had programmed the laundry machine, the best soaps to buy, and so on and so forth.  Mundane things.    And, then, of course, those long conversations while cruising along the interstate.  We missed so many exits while talking in the car.   I knew she loved me faithfully.   We grew up together -- that was certain...and there was still so much we could have learned and done together that was cut short by her unexpected death.    I miss her.  

Comment by laurajay on May 20, 2016 at 7:36am

sweetlady...if you care about your future and want to be around for your grandchildren to share their love you owe it to yourself and to them to get yourself   some outside counseling to stop from being your "own worse enemy".  We all are who we are but never too late to make changes that can bring us peace.  Choice is ours and living with our choices is ours,  too.

Comment by sweetlady on May 19, 2016 at 4:10pm

u are right my son who is religious isn't going to change went tosee him on the weekend only he can scream at me  for issues her things he carries against me and it breaks my heart the grandchildren were happy to see me but his attitude takes away any pleasure i am what i am i take things too much too heart and it affects me with IBS  and migraines  so i arm my own worse enemy

Comment by laurajay on May 18, 2016 at 7:43pm

Sweetlady.  Since your husband has been dead 16 yrs as you told us it is not likely your son is going to change how he speaks to you or treats you.   Any changes will have to be changes you make in yourself.  Without outside help you will continue to struggle and it could exhaust you.  Seek counseling for you if this has  gone      on many years.  Not ways to change yor son/ways you can change your behavior  so you are not  so   anxioys and so that   you feel more in  control of your own life.  Getting older is no picnic and you might want to  see life ahead of you by making a new plan. I encourage  you to get help that will give you some firmer footing.  Remember here at WV  we  are    not experts.  We  care     are but we cannot tell you what to do as as a professional can.  Best of Luck.  Let us know your progress.

vofein

Comment by laurajay on May 18, 2016 at 7:06pm

James.  Good to hear your trip was worthwhile and you will be able to find acceptable housing.  Bear in mind it will be a new experience but wherever you move your body and your things, Mabel will be right there beside you in spirit all the time.  You will continue to cry and  miss her until you join her-yours was a long, single marriage in which you grew together over many decades.  You can change the view of your surroundings  but your heart will  see your true love -it cannot be  changed like your home or your surroundings.  albeit,  An apt will  suit you better than a large home.  Not gonna quote those biblical assurances , my friend, but  you know the truth and that truth is what will set you free  You loved and were loved well.  You did what love does.  You could have done no more...By the 8th decade we draw closer to our eternal home.  Don't rush it just yet.  see how you might still be a blessing.  How you might still bring joy to your sons and grandchildren to increase their memories of their father (you) when you are gone.  Hold fast to today's moment.  It is fleeting.   We know about eternal life only as much as faith permits.  Don't be sad- death a part of the life cycle.  Unfortunately Mabel left first but she awaits you patiently-enoy the rest of your earthly life,.learn...listen  love...It's all good James.  Thinking on blessings...then, now and tomorrow  It's all good.  It's all yours this gift of life.  For the years left  savor the essence as if Mabel is still with you...because  in spirit  she is just that-  be mindful.  Know you are still here for reasons you may not understand  but Someone does...    Zion  awaits.  Mind the word do not break it.                                          lj

Comment by californiajazzy on May 18, 2016 at 7:44am
Sweelady please tell us how you managed. I don't know why he thinks he gets it both ways to yell and be chaotic then blame you for ignoring your grandkids. Does he want them to see/ hear him being a bully? My heart breaks for you. You need a professional outside a church to let you know you do not deserve this. Maybe they will tell you that you set the rules. It frightens me that as you age he may become really out of hand. It happens.
I know I can't take fighting or squabbling since my husband passed. I can't be involved I get anxious and cry easily. I'm 70 also. Fingers crossed
Comment by Cee on May 18, 2016 at 6:37am

Jim, How brave of you to visit all those places and make the decision to move. It is hard to make changes and feel like the loved one is slipping away. I get those feelings of could I have done something and start replaying everything I did and said. It may not be for all but when these thoughts come up I start repeating the Lord's prayer and it seems to reset the thoughts. It could be anything -ie the words to a song but just something to replace the thoughts. Consciously I am sure there was nothing I could have done and I know we loved each other and were there to the best of our abilities. 

 This has been a bad week so far, A little stomach virus has me down and then then wind blew over a tree that Jim planted and really cared for, it really upset me because it looks like it is too big to reset and some of the root system is broken, I feel like he is being pulled away from me. So this week I felt like I am losing him here and wish I had somewhere else to live.

 I wish you a quick sale to your house and peace in the new location.  HUGS

Comment by Cee on May 18, 2016 at 6:27am

Sweetlady, so sorry for the difficulty with your son. Too bad there isn't a way to by pass him and get to spend time with the children. Has it always been like this with him? I know you feel bad because the grandchildren don't understand why you can't be with them. Is there a wife in the picture? Could she meet you somewhere with the children and maybe pick the things that belong to your son. Just a thought - I don't know the whole story.  I have one son that has not talked to me in 30 or so years, I met his twin daughters once -it was an event he couldn't prevent. But I have not been allowed to have any interactions with them, no gifts nothing. The other one went though a period when he shut everyone out but eventually came around and has been there for me and I have gone there to see the grands -unfortunately they live half a county away.   I am sending you some hugs and positive vibes that the day goes well for you.

 

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