Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

Born in the 40s or earlier

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Born in the 40s or earlier

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Members: 139
Latest Activity: yesterday

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You need to be a member of Born in the 40s or earlier to add comments!

Comment by only1sue yesterday

Just had my daughter and grandson here overnight, she thought she would be able to stay two nights and I was so pleased, she is rarely here and time with her is so precious.   Then she got a message to say she has to do a funeral on Wednesday so will need to be home tomorrow to prepare for it (she is a Captain in the Salvation Army).  Of course I put on a smile and said:no problems, I understand.  Now I feel sad that she was not able to stay the extra night.  Putting on my brave face though and trying to feel it is all for the best etc.

Comment by cee on Sunday

offthewall, I was looking through some old messages. I admire you for being able to go through and clean out your home, I understand how hard it was - I haven't been able to do it.  Have you been able to find a buyer, do you have a new place to move to.  HUGS and good luck with the transition. Hope to hear a good news update.

Comment by cee on Thursday

Lady v, What a nice way to remember him, and so nice of your friends to be with you.  I think you are right about rituals, they can't change things but sometimes they can make us feel better - at least for a little while.  HUGS

Comment by Lady v on September 15, 2014 at 10:52am

I love the way you acknowledge the many people within you.  I have the tiny little person trying to get through it all just as  I imagine most of us do.  I have the broken hearted lover in shock every day almost 6 months after my husband's sudden traumatic death.  I have the strong professional performing well at work I have the lonely grown up trying to figure out how to help the grieving lover and the wounded little person make it through. Yesterday I had 12 dear friends join me to plant John's ashes with a beautiful flower in my front patio. It was a good day.  I put up a sign - John, you got it right!  And friends validated that part of the journey. Today I miss him even more than normal. Rituals help but none can change the reality of loss. Peace to all who walk this path.

Comment by Maggie on September 15, 2014 at 10:06am
I have four people living inside me 1) the person who feels guilty about not being there when my husband died at the nursing facility and not being able to have him home where he wanted to be. He was bedridden, incontinent and it took two people to move him. 2) the person who was hurt by some of his comments and criticisms and put downs over the last two or three years. He had brain cancer and also was not handling retirement boredom, getting older with some heart issues as well. I believe he was depressed and took out some of his frustrations verbally on me. But I loved him anyway. 3) the person just grieving a normal loss and 4) the little tiny person trying to get through it all. Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed by it all. I'm going to lunch with another widow today, so hopefully that will improve my mood to just get out for awhile.
Comment by sonja7 on September 14, 2014 at 10:08pm

Maggie, writing about where you and your husband will be together after you die is not a morbid topic in the least.  These are the kind of things you can deal with here and we all understand and respect your thoughts and feelings.  Some of us have ashes of our loved one (as I do, in a beautiful lacquered wood box) and some have already had our loved one buried or interred in a mausoleum, or scattered lovingly in some special place, or ...? Regardless, it is fitting to share these facts or future plans here in these postings.  Most of our family, friends, and acquaintances don't want to hear about this, it's true.  That's why widowed village is so special.  We know that, regardless what we post, others in the village will respond in kind and we feel better knowing that we have struck a chord in other similar hearts.  I certainly feel comforted when I read something that really resonates with me.

Comment by brendab on September 14, 2014 at 10:05pm

Maggie - your story sounds very much like mine.  Thank you for sharing.  I know my friends and family want me to move forward and be happy with my life.  They really do not want to hear of my loneliness and pain.  I think it makes them feel helpless and uncomfortable.  I really just want to scream and cry and throw myself on the floor but that would be so uncivilized so I just suck it up and pretend I am fine!!  I think other cultures that are not afraid of healthy displays of grief might have a better outcome??  I was so blessed and like Lady V said I lived a life of love and light.   So the days go by and I am hoping and praying that you, me, and everyone here will indeed have better days.

Comment by katpilot on September 14, 2014 at 3:14pm

Maggie you touched upon something that made me respond. My wife also used to say "it is what it is". Even at the end when the doctors told me she had five days to live, I told her myself, and she just simply said that.... once and for the last time. Yes, we cannot deny the truth of that phrase, but the other thing your husband said at least the first part I believe down to my core to be true. That is that everything happens for a reason. Sadly, we seldom know what that reason is.  Once I understood that fate was moving me every step of the way, things just fell into place. That's where the second part of what your husband said doesn't always ring true. Not everything works out for the best. Living without Kathy sure isn't the best. I guess you might feel the same about Dave.

Comment by Lady v on September 14, 2014 at 12:06pm

Maggie, your comment made me smile.  Thank you  to all who walk this walk together

Comment by Maggie on September 14, 2014 at 11:15am
Lady v...how wonderful planting a flower with his ashes! My husband was cremated and I have a small separate container too. He tended the garden at the entrance to our subdivision, as he loves landscaping, and the neighbors even had a granite sign made saying "Dave's Garden" and put it there. A wonderful neighbor who didn't been know him that well has kept little flowers growing there. So I want to place some ashes there and also put some up around a dogwood tree in our front hard along with the ashes of our darling little Yorkie sisters who have passed. And when it's my turn, the rest of his ashes and mine will be spread somewhere together, which is all that matters. I may not be in this house when I die and even though, i could get someone to spread them at this home, the new owners might not want that. So it's only important that we be together somewhere...some pretty place in nature..sorry, rather a morbid topic...I do like the sense of blending back with nature to live on in plants, flowers and trees.
 

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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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