Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

Born in the 40s or earlier

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Born in the 40s or earlier

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Members: 154
Latest Activity: 9 hours ago

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Comment by HeartsForever 9 hours ago

Thank you Maggie....you gave me some good suggestions.  I will talk to one neighbor next door that has 2 dogs.  They know my dog more or less, so I could give them a key just in case.  I also board my dog at the vet when I go to visit my son.  Next time I'm in for a visit I will ask them about pick up, etc.  My friends DH that had the surgery would be more than willing to come, if he was up to it, as well as another friend from church who takes her dog to hospice.  I just need to calm down and think it through.  My dog was my husbands, for just a short time before he passed. He wanted one so much again after he retired/went out on disability.  He picked him out, bonded with him, but his health took such a turn that our dog became my dog, who has been grieving along side of me.  He's about 6 now, we aren't sure of his age, but he does keep me protected.  No one comes on our property without me knowing about it.  When he's gone, I will probably move, either into a condo or independent living closer to my son.  I'm just not ready to move yet I guess. 

Comment by Callie2 9 hours ago
I am sorry you are suffering with so much anxiety over this. I think we all may have concerns, similarly, however, the best we can do is plan as much as we can then try to put it out of our minds. Making sure our wills are current, including living wills is important.. I have my son's name on my checking account so that he can pay my bills if I were to become ill. My insurances, secondary and dental are deducted from another account monthly. We can only do so much, but these things are that much less I have to worry about.

We can drive ourselves crazy worrying too much about the future. What if you don't become incapacitated and live to a ripe old age? We just don't know these things. Even nursing homes are subject to availability. They do have retirement communities, maybe an arrangement like that or a facility that works inside nursing facilities that rents apartments then progress to assisted living or even skilled nursing if and when it is needed. Just some possibilities

I hope this doesn't continue to keep you up at night. Most of it is out of our control anyway. We can control how we chose to live our lives. If we worry too much about dying, we can't live life to the fullest.
Comment by Maggie 9 hours ago
Heartsforever... I so admire you for the concern and love of your dog. Pets are truly wonderful and love us unconditionally and so need us. We owe them our best. I don't know where you are, but often rescue groups could offer assistance in taking a pet to the vet if you can't or to be boarded for a bit if you became ill. Yes it might cost, but what choice do you have. And maybe some neighbor who has a pet would help and understand...someone you never thought of. If I was near, I'd certainly help you no matter. My brother has a neighbor ..80 yr old widow with a darling dog and she was walking her and fainted and fell. Well he looked after her dog until her son could get there, which took half a day. Surely someone would help you. Always be careful walking, bending, on ice especially. I have two friends( one out of state) that know if they don't hear from me in a day or two at most, to call my brother or each other to check on me. Yes we do need to work out contingency plans for all this. Even your vet could probably arrange for a pick up while you got better. There's always a way. You'd be surprised how even strangers are willing to help. You do need to feel it's ok to reach out. People are there to help just like you would for someone. Your post struck me because I particularly love pets and had two dogs myself.
Comment by HeartsForever 10 hours ago

This very topic was bothering me a lot last night.  My sister who lives the closest for a relative is 3 hrs away and she was cross country on a trip.  My friends in town, one's DH just had major surgery, so she is tied up, another is getting ready to put house on the market to move 1500 miles away, most of my friends don't have, nor would they want to come take my dog to the vet if I called them I don't suppose.  He's a wonderful dog, but live wire around strangers.  I think, what if I fell, had a stroke, whatever, who would step in for a few hours until my son could fly here.  I laid awake thinking this all through, I couldn't sleep and finally when I did, I woke up yelling for my deceased Mom as I heard her voice calling out to me.  This morning at church I had what I think was an anxiety attach so left early.  I've calmed down, but I obviously need to get some things in place to take this worry from my mind or it's going to happen again.  The one thing I won't do is get rid of my dog.  I love him and he loves and protects me.  He was abandoned, picked up and we rescued him after he had run the streets in winter for a couple of months.  They knew that from the wt loss and condition he was in.  I will never do that to him.  Before I can volunteer or help others, I've got to know that I am ready to face these fears. 

Comment by katpilot 11 hours ago

Cmon Anne!  Please try and put just one foot in front of the other. I know it's hard right now. I felt that way myself once. I want you to think about just this one thing. You are not alone. You never were. They just leave this physical world but not the spiritual one.  While we loose the touch, the smell, the sight of them, they still are around us. There just might be a reason you are still here. We all should think about this. Perhaps it might only be to affect another persons  life. Maybe teach a child something that might change them to do great things. Who knows what we may do. This whole grief thing must mean more than we understand. Fate lends a hand. Once you accept this, things can fall into place.

You have to have faith..........one day you won't want to die so much. One day you will smile as you face another day........even if you're still in love.

Comment by only1sue 13 hours ago

I am glad you mentioned the word "afraid" Anne as I think a lot of people overlook the fact that being alone is frightening.  Like you my kids are far away and so I will have to have plans in place for good friends to be the people I call on in an emergency. That is not the ideal situation but I don't see an other way of having a safety net in place.

 I am doing what I can to stay fit and healthy but there is only so much you can do.  Illness and invalidity may still come.  I have my daughter who lives three hours away as my Guardian and my Power of Attorney so that is a fallback position for me.  I think we all the 60+ widows have those secret fears. We just need to put some thought into what our options are.

Comment by Anne 22 hours ago
I feel exactly the same as Maggie. It's the years ahead that I'm worried about facing alone. I'm 65 and pray that I don't live too much longer. My kids and siblings live in other states far away. I feel lonely and afraid.
Comment by Callie2 22 hours ago
Sue,
Sounds like a great group! Some people adjust quickly and others, I guess, feel lost for a while. I think getting on with our lives is good advice for when we are ready. Attitude is probably a large factor and surrounding yourself with positive people is a great way to get on track. Wishing you the best!
Comment by Callie2 22 hours ago
Maggie, Try not to focus on the years ahead. It is hard to anticipate how we will feel ten years from now. We can learn to find joy in many ways and it's not always about "staying busy". I am really beginning to hate that cliche because it is such a non- solution as I am concerned. Of course we don't want to sit around and wring our hands but staying busy is only a pacifier. There are better ways to handle things but first, I think it is really important for us to focus on ourselves and get to know the person we have become.

It is good to plan things but in my situation, I have a number of health issues that prevent me from just doing things spontaneously. However, I still try to be as active as possible. Try different things, even hobbies or crafts. I know it gets harder at our age, but trying new things might not be a bad idea either!

I am slowly making peace with being alone. It has been over six years, and I think I would have a terrible time adjusting to another person living with me whether it be male or female friend. I am not the type of person someone could tell what to do. Maybe I would be too hard to live with at this point, ha-ha! Maybe try to set a goal of getting out a time or two each and every week, even if it might feel uncomfortable. It might not! Wishing you all the positive and good things in your future.
Comment by Maggie yesterday
It's this "years still ahead" that really gets to me. I agree only1sue, if we had all been in our 80's when it happened it would be a more "well this is to be expected as we get into these years". But even so, it would be tough at ANY age. But there is something to it. I was 66 when my husband died and I have tried, especially early on, to stay busy with all kinds of things, many which I no longer do. It got too tiring. So now I'm down to just spending time with a couple of good friends and my brother and SIL. And redecorating my home since I'm staying put. I really prefer a simple life, but the loneliness that is only masked when you are around people, really gets to me. I also have no children and currently no pets, though that may change. I think of travel, but then I don't want to go alone or with total strangers. I'm hoping my best friend in Fl will come live with me and share my home, but it's still up in the air. And in the mean time, I plug along knowing I'll never feel truly happy and at inner peace again...ever! How does one live for years like that? I guess the best we can do is resignation that this is it and try to find moments and new things maybe. There's lots of things to do, it's just doing them alone that I have difficulty with. Also the motivation seems to fade. I have found this to be very true..maybe with Spring if it ever gets here. It honestly just seems pointless. Hearts forever..it would be painful to lose two friends. I can really feel for you and I'm sorry.friends and family are about all we have now and they are precious. I wish I had a widow group no matter what age, but my town is geared for youth.
 

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