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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Born in the 40s or Earlier

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Born in the 40s or Earlier

Groups are a place to connect with others you have something in common with. Please get acquainted here and make friends anywhere on the site.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to widville@gmail.com.

Members: 165
Latest Activity: on Thursday

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Comment by Callie2 on Thursday
Frankie,
I think you are very wise. We grieve, but then there becomes a time when we must decide we are going to try and adjust and be as happy as we can. They're not coming back so we have to live life without them and I think that's the acceptance part.

I think it is great you have found someone that understands, and even if it doesn't go beyond friendship it sure is nice to have someone to talk to! Good luck.
Comment by Frankie on Wednesday

Greyhound Mom, my heart goes out to you, I know how you feel, having lost my wife 20 months ago today after a 48 yr marriage and two additional yrs.  I am fortunate though, my children lived near by as well as 2 of 4 grandchildren.  I was 71 when my wife passed and somehow I knew my God had a plan for me.  I did all I could do each day to make the best of that day.  To help out with the loneliness,  I took a part time job and that had been a life savor for me.  It gets me out and at times I also can talk about my late wife with customers where I work and they have been very receptive to me and my sharing, plus, they also tell me there stories about there late spouses, just very rewarding for both of us.  I have also been very fortunate to meet a widow, I know it is not every persons cup of tea, as the saying goes, but again that relationship has allowed us both to talk about our late spouses, cry, laugh and just remember the wonderful times we had together with them.  When I mentioned to our son that I was going to meet this lady, he said this to me, "Dad, Mom is no longer with us and she is not coming back, we must go on with life".  This was from our 46 year old son.  I am very Blessed to have him and our daughter in my life, they have been the Best.  Is it hard, yes it is especially after the time I spent with my wife, a total of 50 yrs.  I always remember what my late father-in- law said, when things happen in life, we need to take baby steps to get adjusted in life again, I believe that applies here.  For me also, I am not religious, but I am spiritual and I pray to my God to help me on this journey, there is no other way I could do what I am now doing or been the caregiver for my Beloved wife.  Just try to embrace your memories with your late husband.  I know that men think differently then ladies but the bottom line is, we all need to live life to its fullest and to enjoy what our maker has for us.  Remember too, it is only 15 months since you lost your husband, be kind to yourself and I know this site will be a god sent for you, I'll keep you in my prayers, Frank

Comment by Greyhound Mom on Wednesday

I lost my husband, Del, 15 months ago. I thought I was doing pretty well. I concentrated on the fact that I had 50 yrs with him (we dated for 3 in college and were married for 48 1/2 - planning our 50th anniversary), I had 3 wonderful children and our 3rd grandchild was born shortly after his death. But all of a sudden I seem to be in a downward spiral. I am realizing that he really is not coming back and I have to find out what the rest of my life is going to be. At 70 yrs old, I don't know how to move on without him. I have my dogs to get me up in the morning but then what. My grandchildren don't live close so I only see them 3 or 4 times a yr. I have friends and my sister close by but they are not the man who was always there. How do I move on and find peace with this new existence?

Comment by Elaine on Tuesday
Lilly Mae, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my darling man on Feb.20th, roughly 4.5 months ago. And I too seem to be feeling all of the emotions you are feeling. I am both astonished and disappointed at myself for the way I've let my housekeeping go by the wayside and at my lack of energy and enthusiasm. But I'm also trying to give myself the time and space to travel through this time-of-my-life. I read here that it is all normal, though it might not feel like it now, and that it will get better. For me, the most disconcerting thing is that my brain seems to be scrambled now and I am wondering if that will ever be the same. I forget the most ordinary things, including what someone has just said to me not 5 minutes ago, I misplace things that I have just touched not 5 minutes ago, and my mind is like a butterfly, stopping momentarily on any old thought or fixating on incidental information. It makes me feel like a fool and vulnerable too. Oh, how I do miss my brain!
Right now I am in Switzerland visiting my daughter and her family. She has lived here for 15 years so it is not my first time, but I do miss my Jack not being here with me. When I go back home to Canada, I plan to de-clutter the house, and sort through his clothes and other stuff. I want the house ship-shape by September. Yes, I too see that I am trying to rush th grieving process. I fell like screaming out to the universe "Okay, I get it. He isn't ever coming back. So leave me alone now with all the sadness and memories, and let me get on with my life, whatever the hell that might be now". And there's the real rub....I havent a whole clue as what my life looks like now without him. Not a clue! And I really don't do well in limbo.
Well, I better stop the ranting now. Please know that I do feel for you and all the others here. Still can't truly believe that IT has happened to us.
Laurajay, I so appreciate all of your comments. Thoughtful and proof that time helps.
Comment by laurajay on Tuesday

Lilly Mae. i don't think anyone much enjoys household duties after their spouse  dies.  Just  trying to find energy to keep on living day to day is exhausting for quite a while. And without sharing the beauty of a well-managed home  and someone to nurture with our good cooking it can seem senseless   too.   The young have different life styles  but old fashioned ways make the loss so hard.  I let a lot go in thew house---I just did not have my heart in it--but I once again am wanting order and beauty just because it feels good and seems to help increase the joy in life...not having someone to confide in and share intimate thoughts is very lonely and tiring as well.  Your feelings are normal and common...we do have one another  here and this board has some very understanding loving folks who will listen.  Do what you can each day,  It will get better as time goes on.   Put beauty in your life  anytime you can. You will in time glimpse at good things again...believe.   lj

Comment by Lilly Mae on Tuesday

Thanks to all of you for your comments and words of encouragement..I feel so alone sometimes and I really miss him. I miss having someone to talk to and confide in. When I kept after my house before I had joy in doing it because I had some one to do it for. Now it's hard to do those things I know need done but have to force myself to do because there is no one to do it for.But I will try to be patient.

Comment by katpilot on Monday

By the way, when we had them in our lives and they did or said something that caused a reaction from us, we could confront the issue right then and there. Now we can't do that so we don't know where to go with the frustration we face.  Just a thought. 

Comment by katpilot on Monday

Anger with the departed spouse is one very common feeling in grief. I have read more than a couple of books on grieving which mention this. Lucky for me I missed that emotion probably because she was so much younger than I that I could only feel bad for her. The thing about anger, is as so many emotions we feel after loss, triggered so easily. We are sensitive to things that upset us. We react quickly and strongly to stimuli. Perhaps it's because we have no sounding board to share intimate feelings with now. I don't know for sure but I do know I still haven't much control over my emotional reactions. Hell, I can't even watch a movie with a sad scene in it unless I am alone at home. 

Comment by laurajay on Monday

Lily Mae.  Wait.  Three yrs from now you will be even older and in some ways  miss him more and be very annoyed he is no longer here to share in the responsibilities of daily living..  Unless you are wealthy and can afford outside help.  It never got easier for me.  Not at all. You need much more time and being a senior it's no picnic ever doing this alone.  I have mentioned before- at some point the aging process complicates the grief because it limits us so much more    .  65+  beginning from scratch will not happen.  Oh yes,  some older folks  add a lot of new activities and people to their lives because they are in good health and have money  but for many it's a huge challenge.  Some ask, "Why bother?"  Well, personally speaking- once we're dead we're dead and therefore  I believe God intended we serve Him by living a full, love- giving life until we are called home. I no longer spend hours and hours trying to understand it all nor find all the answers as to unexpected, sudden death.  I believe it will be revealed to me in time-this life or the next.  Ask for grace/God's power to get through each day in a loving way-.  Do good.  Keep Faith.  Know in your grief you are loved and understood.  You wisdom will increase  and your awareness.  Those are worth waiting for....    lj

Comment by Lady v on Monday

Lily Mae everything you write is normal. The horrific loss of a beloved spouse is a wound at every level. It is one year and three months since I lost my beloved John.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday and I am brought to my knees in tears. Other times it seems so far away and I yearn to feel the vitality of our love .  it is a crooked journey and we must accept the turns. A good day does not mean we have forgotten. A bad day is just part of the journey.  I know my dear husband loved seeing me happy and I choose to honor him by  working through the dark times to the moments when the sweet memories make me smile and by not blaming myself when I feel overwhelmed by the loss.

 

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