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 I am new to this group and I lost my husband of 26 years on Valentine’s Day this year. He was 85 and I am not 79. I had been married before but he had not. We had a wonderful marriage and he was the love of my life and soulmate, i find it easy to get through the day and socialise with people but when alone at night I yearn for him to be here with me, the longing is so bad that i am physically in pain, I don’t know how to get over this feeling. I feel like there is a hole in y heart that will never close. I would like to her from someone else who has been in this position and find out how long it lasts and if I will ever get over the longing for him. The funny part is I yearn for the person he was before he got sick. He had prostate cancer that went to his bones. I cared for him at home until the last 3 weeks of his life.  Was with him when he passed away in hospital. Can someone please help me.

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I don't understand why you said "I am not 79" ?    Anyway; my wife died "SUDDENLY" 9 years ago.  I live with it but I will never  get over it because she was my BEST Friend, confidant, outdoor pal,  and stuck with me through thick and thin, for 61 years.   I'd like another friend like  that , but so far, no luck.   I must resign myself to dying alone.     

My husband was also my best friend and it hard to let the pain go

if you are not 79, how old are you ?

I believe  "NOT"  should  have been posted  as  "NOW".  typing  error

I just lost my partner a month ago. His passing was unexpected.  I don’t think I will ever meet someone as wonderful as him.  So each day I put one foot in front of the other and hope to get to tomorrow.  This sadness is painful. Some people say it takes time but I don’t think time changes anything. Death changes everything

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I believe you have come to the right place. If nothing else I believe this site will help you to know that you are not alone. What you are feeling is real and it will take time . I don't know how much time. It has been seven months today since I lost my husband of 47 years(50 years together) I don't think I will ever get over longing for him but I do believe I will start to have fewer and fewer days of utter despair. In addition to this site I joined a Griefshare group a few weeks ago and that has been a great help in helping me process what I am feeling. I have also learned that age is insignificant when it comes to grief. No matter how old or how young your spouse was the pain is excruciating. You cant take a pill and its gone. You cant set a time and at that time know it will be gone. You just have to accept it and bear it until the pain finally subsides and becomes less and less. During these last months I have experienced several meltdowns. But there have also been days when I was able to reflect on the good times we had and actually smile. Find something that gives you comfort.My greatest comfort comes in knowing that my husband is no longer in pain. I know he hated dialysis but he never complained. I too find the nighttime to be the worse. My daughter brought me a new mattress and for some funny reason I have been able to sleep better. You do what you need to do to get through the fog of despair. Take a trip, join a group, listen to music that soothes you, journal. But most of all, take care of your health, physically and mentally. I wasn't doing well at all and I KNEW I had to do something or I would end up in the hospital. That's what led me to Griefshare. Please be kind to yourself and know that there are others who understand what you are feeling. Take care and be blessed.

Noelene, my heart goes out to you. Please be as gentle and kind to yourself as you would be in comforting your best friend. If you've never read the reading about grief waves, please google it. For me it is true. The grief comes in waves. At first they knocked me down to the point that I felt I couldn't breathe. I cried hysterically and often. It got better. I had to tell myself that whatever I could do each day was "enough."  Now three and a half years later, the grief waves still come but not as often and they don't knock me down. I cry as I'm doing now for you and for me and that is okay. The "firsts" are the worst and with time there are less of them. It has been three and a half years for me. The hole in my heart and the longing are still there but time and acceptance smoothed the sharp edges. You will be okay. You have reached out to this group. None of my close friends have gone through this. I went to a few support groups for others who lost their spouses to cancer. It helped. Blessings and hugs to you.   

Hi Noelene,

It seems that we are about the same age, lost the love of our life. Mine was on Christmas Day...10 years ago. It may take a long time to  cope with his death.

Everybody is different.  Just focus on the Wonderful times that you shared together .Main thing, that he is no longer is suffering.. I wish you well during this

Christmas Season!.

I am getting better at this grief thing, the crying jags don’t come as often as they did but when one hits me I can cry for hours. I feel like a rudderless ship going round and round in circles. The hardest thing I am finding to cope with now is what to do with the rest of my life, i seem to not have any purpose and no direction. When I am with friends I am ok but when at home alone I cant help thinking is this my life from now on?

Make a new life for your self. Volunteer or get a part time job. Change your routine.

We are all different in how we handle the loss of our loved one.

Even adopt a pet. That might relieve your loneliness. and give you something to love.

During this Holiday Season, this will always hit you hard in how you feel.

It will get better in time. 

hi Sun Flower. I am doing better.i have adopted a small rescue cat and she is good company.i still find the night time the worst, i am a director of a small bowling club, so that takes care of some of the daytime hours. I am not crying as often as I was but am not looking forward to Christmas Day. If I can get through that all right I only have one more anniversary to get through and that is the first anniversary of his death on Valentine’s Day next year..It is very hard without him as we were very close and the last few months of his illness I was his carer which was 24/7. He was in the hospital for the last 3 weeks before he died and wanted so badly to come home but it wasn’t to be. I was at the hospital 3 times, sometimes 4 times a day to take him the foods he liked to eat as his appetite was almost non existent. I guess that took its toll on me as well even though I was happy to do it. So I have gone from being full on to being so alone at home. I hope you get through the holiday season ok and I will try to be strong as he would not want me to be so sad. He would likely say “Aw Duck please don’t cry”. Thank you for listening to my problems. Xxx

Hi Noelene,
Thanks for sharing your story with me.
Sounds like you are on the right path in healing.
The Cat that you adopted will help comfort you.
You lost your husband on Valentine's Day.
I lost my husband on Christmas. 10 years ago.
I put up a White Christmas Tree with Blue Lights and
Blue Ornaments in Memory of him. That was what he liked.
I am comforted by that.
I keep the lights on 24-7.
Take Care now. I hope that each day gets better for you.
Sunflower

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