We seem to have been blessed. We had a long (43 years) and happy marriage, jobs that we both enjoyed, two daughters and four grandchildren that live nearby, a home and neighborhood we enjoy. We were planning to visit New England and Niagara Falls for the first time this coming fall and had so much to look forward to. Then out of nowhere my wife was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. She lost her battle on February 19, 2018 after what feels to me like a horrific struggle. I am devastated, terribly lonely, and just trying to survive day to day because the future looks so bleak. Nothing seems worthwhile anymore. Before she died, she said that she wanted me to be happy. I just don't know how to get there except to keep getting up each morning, struggle through the day, touch base with my loving and caring daughters (who themselves are struggling terribly with the loss of their mother), my grandchildren, and my friends, and plan some activities that will get me out of a large, empty home.
Neush, I am very sorry for your loss. You have come to the right place to seek solace, understanding, and, hopefully, a measure of comfort. When My beloved Laura died almost four years ago I found many compassionate people here that helped to lighten the terrible load we carry as we struggle on without our Life Long Love. Tell of your love to anyone that will listen thereby keeping her alive and never forgotten. My family was also of immense help which it sounds like you have. I write to Laura every day on my computer, a journal that started as a Journal of Grief... transitioned to a Journal of Gratitude (at the suggestion of someone here) and has become a Love Letter to her. I also found comfort in Grief Support Groups of which I participate and assist in four weekly and bi-weekly meetings. Do what feels right for you. I wish you peace.
This is Exactly how we begin, one day at a time, and before we know it, Weeks, months and years have passed. I remember feeling as you do, a huge question mark hangs over you "what now?" and you just don't know what you're supposed to do with your life, It's a desolate place to be in. I hope you find some measure of comfort here, nobody will cease to care, as neighbours etc eventually do, you are among people whom have been and are going through what you are experiencing
Neush I enjoyed @ 42 years with Walt. I wish you much peace as you attempt to move thru your early months of grief. Depending on where you live, there may be a regional group of soaring spirits international near you to meet others in person who have been widowed. Also I joined this group thru the Camp Widow West in San Diego. The next one is July 13-15. Well worth looking into if you can travel to San Diego. You will meet all ages and all circumstances . You will find those who had cancer, those in your age group and those newly widowed. Long live love and hugs to you. I am almost 6 years out from Walt's death in June 2012. I will be at camp as an alumni and volunteer this year. Lee is not my usual name...
Can you post this again in the section born in the 40's further down the page where you see conversation posted. Where you have it now I don't think all of our older folks will see it. I'll say here that your pain is raw and fresh and time is the only answer- there is no quick fix and no time schedule you can find to hurry it along. Grief takes the time it needs and no two people have the same span of time in their healing. I just marked 6yrs after 44+yrs of marriage to my beloved husband. While grief in some ways is not as intense, the problems of aging alone are very worrisome. Be your own best friend. Take one moment at a time. Use your lifetime of memories to sustain you. Expect others ( except those here at WV) to not really understand. Be your own wise counsel and use the loved you shared so many years to guide you through your healing. No pain will ever be greater but Neush ~remember~ you are not alone. Someone here will always respond or just listen to your story. Welcome. lj
Neush...first year is the toughest. It’s floundering, trying to redefine priorities and realities. It’s trying to figure out a life of self after a lifetime of us, we and our.
i remember that first year as pure agony...shudder. Coming here is a good step. We can share and listen and understand because we’re right in the throes of our own grief journey.
I too was happily married to my beloved husband of 42 years before he passed away three years ago. I can relate to all your feelings of utter despair and loneliness. I found that the first year was the hardest. I was helped in my journey by going to a widow/widower group and individual therapy. Finding that others were going through grief and sharing our stories helped me so much. Putting lots of pillows on my husbands side of the bed helped me at night. Reading “Healing after Loss, Daily Meditations for working through grief” by Martha Whitmore Hickman helped me process my grief. Today I am much better but will always feel that loss and miss him deeply. You might find that over time that your previous friends as a couple will disappear. To remedy this I volunteer in many activities that make a difference in this world of ours. Each persons journey in grief will be different. Ignore those people who tell you to move on. Your journey will be yours alone and there is no timeline. May you take one moment at a time and do not rush it.
Hugs to you and your family.
Truly sorry for your loss. Like you I had a long and happy marriage. Tony and I were married over 47 years. We actually met in the 6th grade so he got a kick out of telling people I had my eye on him even then.(true)He was my knight in shining armor. April 29,2018 my life changed forever and I know it will never be the same. I was preparing to pick him up from the hospital when I received a call informing me he was being taken to ICU. By the time I got there they were trying frantically to bring him back. My daughter was with me when the doctor delivered the awful news. Tony would not be coming home. Since that time I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. I have three adult children and eight grandchildren. Two of our children and five grandchildren live close by and we have been tremendous support for one another. Tony was always so upbeat and jovial. He loved to take the grands on special outings. He loved going special places with the family. Despite being on dialysis he insisted on going with me last year to Florida to bring two of our grandchildren back home with us for the summer. When I am feeling really down and depressed I think on those fun times and the wonderful times we had together. We started out young so we had some pretty lean times and like most couples we had our bumps in the road but we always talked about how blessed we were to have survived those times and were the better for them. One of his favorite songs was the country song Remember When. He and I talked about everything. He was sure he was going to go first and he would joke about my next husband. For me there will never be another husband. He still fills up all my space. I have taken a few short trips with friends and that did give me a few moments of joy...but I know the ache I feel in my heart will always be there....and I am ok with that. Tony suffered with gout and at times he would be in so much pain. Then it would subside or go away and he would say it was just something he had to deal with. So this is a pain I will just have to deal with....there is no cure. You had 43 beautiful years. I had 47 years. We have had what so many have not had and what so many desire. We both are new in this journey. I took the car in to be serviced last week. In 47 years I had never done that.....but I did it and I know Tony was smiling from above and saying "that's my girl". The holiday season will be upon us soon. My children have already said they don't want the big family gatherings we've always had in the past. Maybe next year they say but not this year. I agree. My daughter and I are planning a cruise for Christmas just to get away. I too am in a large empty house now. It does help to get out. Our local library plans trips to the theatre and similar outings so I am going to get more involved in activities like that. Sorry about being so longwinded. This is the only place where I feel people can really relate to what I'm experiencing. Best wishes to you and your daughters.
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband was 46 years old and he went into hospital the Friday and passed on Saturday evening, we were told he had acute myeloid leukaemia but he died from cardiac arrest. This was 4 months ago so very raw. I always wonder what he would have gone through if he lived to fight the aml. At the stage he was, his kidneys had failed but was to get dialysis on the Sunday after blood treatment for the aml. My husband was a fighter but also loved and lived life to the full. It is so tough and grief seems to hit when you least expect it. You just have to get through each day the best you can and hope to god the pain lessens in time. Wishing you well.
Neush, I am glad you have found your way here and that you are sharing your struggle with us. We have all been through the horribly difficult time you are experiencing and can only send our understanding and sympathy. I found more help here in the early weeks and months of my husband’s death when I could not seem to get any relief or comfort anywhere I turned. Just knowing that others had walked the same path and hearing about their experiences gave me insight that I would get better in time. I did, and you will. But it takes time, a LOT more time than we ever expect. And the feeling of the loss never does go away entirely but eventually you will be able to focus more on the happier memories and so will your daughters. Until then, it is for most of us a matter of just getting up every day and somehow managing to put one foot in front of the other and let the grief process take it’s course. It is a process, and it will. I lost my husband after 34 years of a very happy second marriage and after a long decline into dementia. More than five years of serious caregiving and now four years since he died I am finally feeling that I am recovering but finding what everyone calls a “new normal” is an ongoing process. And I suppose that after all that is what life always is, an ongoing process of adjustment and adaptation. At 81 I can see that when I earlier felt that there was endless time there really wasn’t and I am very grateful for those 34 years. Don’t worry too much now about knowing how to get to being happy. Just get through every day.
It’s hard to lose someone u love short long health or suddenly. I lost my husband after 27 yrs in Israel no rescustation money taken from me l was all alone and was in shock when I came bac k to New York Kennedy airport and what makes it worse now even tho it will be 19 yrs my sons don’t get along my religious son who has five children brainwashes his children that I’m so terrible and he really only cares about himself. When his father died he did arrange my coming back arranged for the funeral was in no position to do this he and his brother but the short peace didn’t last for long. I do work am now 73 have a dog drive a car sure not always feeling good but I survive but sometimes the bitterness between my sons especially the older one and the younger one sometimes who lives with me shows it too that I stopped him from living even tho I try to do my best and give him his space when u feel unworthy and have lost your best friend it’s hard. If u wish to talk I’m here for u. Elaine
Neush, I can relate as so many others here can. I lost my husband of 43 years, together 49, March 18,2018. His was suddenly, went to bed and never woke back up. He had a cerebral aneurysm which caused a hemorrhagic stroke. We did everything together and we were the typical marriage in our generation. He took care of the outside and fixing things in the inside, and I took care of the running of the house. I didn't even know how to start the lawn mower. Each day I see another thing that he took care of, some I know how to do, some I don't. I joined here because you can get your feelings out without making people uncomfortable. I am still in the just trying to get by. I work on one hour at a time. I, too, need to get out of the home more, and I'm trying. God Bless you in your journey.
Condolences on the loss of your long-time spouse. Grief is a road we survivors must travel (reluctantly) and its length and timing will vary with each individual. Your listing your blessings is a good start, IMHO.
I recently ran across an apt (again IMHO) in of all places a book on vintage watches:
"I think we have two choices in life when someone we love dearly dies. You either close the curtains and take the pills in the bedroom, or you throw the curtains open. You plant flowers. You light candles, and you try to move on. It's a very gradual process, and a really painful one, but there's a will to celebrate the person -- and a will to celebrate yourself for having survived." -- Nate Berkus.
May the Good Lord give you the wisdom and comfort in your grief journey.