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I lost my husband Barry who was 87 years old on August 27, 2019.  We were married 62 and a half years. W Although my children try to be understanding, none of them really can fathom how lost I am without him.  He had been sick for a long time with bladder cancer, a heart condition, kidney problems, and sometimes I thought I kept him alive by my sheer will power.  Dying never bothered him, he thought of it as a new adventure.  He was really a loner and didn't need or particularly want friends and I didn't make friends easily, so most of the time we were alone together.  Now I am alone, really, really really alone.

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Hugs to you Phyllis, all of here understand that loneliness especially on holidays. We are here for each other and that helps.

I am surprised that men answer before women.  I hope widows will answer.  Especially those who were married a long time. 

Most  of  us  do  not  read  or  reply  to  the  subgroups  in  the  40's  or before group.     Check  out  the  main  group  next  time  you post,

Thank you, Laura.  I have to tell you, I'm kind of an idiot on the computer, and this site is difficult for me to learn to maneuver.  I am not sure I can find the "main group"

I  get  it.   No  expert  here  either.  I'll  go  post  a  hello  to  you  so  you  find  the  main  posting  place  for  we  long  married widowed oldsters.  Youngest  member  on  this  board  turns  70  by  Dec  31st.   Now  when  you  see  the " groups"  heading  click  on  " Born in 40's"  and scroll  down  past  the  discussions  until   you  see  my  hello  to  you  posted.  That  will  be  the  main  area.  Try  posting  there.   LOL   You  are  not  alone.....when  I  found  this  place  I  had  never  heard  of  a  "chat  room"  Never...I  thought  it  very  weird  people  posting  comments  that  made  no  sense  to  me.  A  couple  were  people who  had remarried  and  were  cheery.  I  was  in  widow's  hell  grieving  and  almost  never  returned  here!  I  also never  signed  out  when  I  came  and went  because  I  didn't  know if  you were  supposed to-  oh  you  learn  a  lot  by fending  for  yourself....  ok   will  look  for  your  post...    lj

Thank you laurajay.  I found this site but not the one you're talking about.  Computers make me crazy, or crazier than I was before.  My husband was an engineer, he knew a lot about computers, and what he didn't know, he found out by playing around with them.  Sometimes he'd fix something for me and when I'd ask "How did you do that?" he'd just answer, "I don't know, I just played around with it until it worked."  That's sort of like the way my grandmother used to give a recipe.  "How many cups of flour?"  "I don't know.  Start out with 3 cups, if that's not enough add a little more until it feels right." Yeah - really.

Phyllis,

I have to start by telling you I am somewhat of an imposter as I was not born in the 40,s but your post showed up on the home tab (?) and it made me feel like responding. I lost my wife Sue on 9/20/18 after a two year fight with kidney cancer. We had been married for 42 years. But even more than that, our parents were friends and would visit back and forth, and not using babysitters the kids would come along on these visits. Truly some of my earliest memories are playing games with Sue on these visits. Although we did not date until after high school we really knew each other for our entire lives. We have a pretty close family and have get togethers and all of that, however, it just is not the same. I know they all have their days and miss mom very much but from experience I and I’m sure you know the difference. I lost my parents together in an automobile accidedent 13 days after 9/11. We lived almost next door to them and were very close. My mother and Sue had become almost like best friends. While that was a very traumatic and terrible thing and I would never downplay that, it is just not anything like this. My Sue was a very kind, outgoing and caring person, I miss her so very much. Keeping busy seems to help some, but like yourself I’m not all that social, and sometimes being that way just takes too much effort. I hope you do find something, someone or some group to help you with your loneliness. I post very little on this site but I do go on and read some others postings. Many times, but not always, that helps some. Wishing you the best.       Peace and prayers,   Jim

I lost my wife Maxine who was 80 years old on August 31, 2009  We were married 61 years.  Although my children try to be understanding, none of them really can fathom how lost I am without her. Most of the time we were alone together.  Now I am alone, really, really really alone. On Christmas day.

 . We are much alike in experience.    Should we correspond ?  I live in Redding,California.   Where do you live ?

Don Schimpff

In Miami.  Sure, we can correspond.  It will give us both something to do.

Thank you.  My email is     [email protected]    

    I was stationed at NAS Opa Locka for aerial gunnery school.  I think it is now an international airport.  Am I correct i that assumption ?

Hi Phyllis,

I'm sorry for your loss.  You were married for "twice" as long as I was married to Susan.  We had 35 years of marriage when she suddenly died in her sleep back in December of 2012.  The bonds that we have formed, and relied upon between our spouses, only strengthens (I think) with age.  You know, it does not matter if we were married for a few months, years, or decades... the one thing we ALL want was, MORE!.  More Time with them. 

In a sense, we are supposed to die before our kids and as they grow up and attend various funerals for friends and other parents, they become tuned into that sequence of life.  I'm sure that they miss us, or will when we pass, but especially with longevity they all come to say "They had a good long life" and move on with days latest crisis of their own.  They don't yet have the experience that we have and do not understand how terrible the loneliness or any of the other feelings that we have, can be for us. We all feel stunned, lost, and without support, adrift in a raft on a raging sea of emotions.  It is something they can say they understand, but really cannot ever understand until they too are going through what we are. All we can do is communicate with them. Talk to them and tell them how we are feeling.  Talking will help us, and may, if communicated correctly help them grow and perhaps get a "whiff" of what we are going through.

As we go through the grief process and its various "Stages" time helps as we come to accept things, loneliness seems to come to the forefront and it can be overwhelming.  It seems to be a plateau that we all come up on.  For me Loneliness and being alone, has always been my worst fear. Ever since I was nearly 5 and walked in on my mother feeding my new born brother. She screamed at me to GET OUT!  I ran out the door and outside of the house and cried and cried, she didn't love me, she didn't want me, I was not worthy of her love...  I lived with that burden all my life till I met Susan.  For 35 years we loved and were loved, and now she is gone, and that Loneliness has crept in again.  At 7 years out, I'm still lonely but have begun to accept it and live with it.  My two Attack House Cats help, though at times I seem to need a bigger lap so there is room for both at the same time.

What you are going through is completely normal.  Getting through those first days, one at a time, months, and years, can seem to take forever and sometimes we think it will never soften, but at some point you will be able to look back to those first days filled with grief, buckets of tears, agony, and being without a compass, and actually see the difference between then and "the now" and realize you have progressed, and with that progress comes strength and self confidence.

((((HUGS))))

Frank

In my brain, I know that what you say is true, but since Barry died, I feel--I don't know--empty.  He was my inspiration, my husband,  my partner, my manager, my other half, perhaps my better half, in any event, my ...everything.  Yesterday I went with out with one of my sons and his wife, and his adult son (my grandson) and his girlfriend, and all of them walked two by two, each  holding the hands of their partner.  Talk about a fifth wheel.  I was the fifth wheel, the "extra".  We are in the process of selling the house that I lived in with my husband since 1958 and I am not yet sure where I will live and that's another thing that has me floundering.  I'm just a real mess now. Meanwhile, my children think I am just "over - dramatizing" things. They just don't understand.

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