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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Born in the 40s or Earlier

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Born in the 40s or Earlier

Groups are a place to connect with others you have something in common with. Please get acquainted here and make friends anywhere on the site.

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Members: 238
Latest Activity: May 9

Discussion Forum

Coping with yearning for dead husband

Started by Noelene T. Last reply by Neelie May 8. 15 Replies

 I am new to this group and I lost my husband of 26 years on Valentine’s Day this year. He was 85 and I am not 79. I had been married before but he had not. We had a wonderful marriage and he was the…Continue

First post - Aloha

Started by bellgamin. Last reply by Bonnie Jan 6. 8 Replies

My  first post. Aloha from Hawaii. I was born in 1930 when (as they say) dinosaurs roamed the streets of Honolulu.My wife, Imiko, & I had been married for 56 years when she died of cancer. She…Continue

Unfortunately finding myself here

Started by InsideLove. Last reply by Gwamma Jan 5. 8 Replies

My husband died on Aug 28, unexpectedly..I have a grief counselor- her husband passed away at 47 years of marriage too and so, she traveled this path. I do have a grief group, 4 widows 1 widower.…Continue

Joining seven weeks after my wife's death

Started by Neush. Last reply by sis Jan 3. 11 Replies

We seem to have been blessed.  We had a long (43 years) and happy marriage, jobs that we both enjoyed, two daughters and four grandchildren that live nearby, a home and neighborhood we enjoy.  We…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by leslie b on August 9, 2011 at 12:21pm
Yes, itaintme, I have felt guilty for being happy. I am talking myself out of it though. I felt a lot more guilty about a year ago when I first realized that I was happy at times or that I was able to laugh. I wonder if it happens more with widows or do widowers feel the same guilt? It would be interesting to find out.
Comment by itaintme on August 9, 2011 at 11:26am
leslie b, So glad to hear someone saying they feel alive again. Have you ever felt guilty for feeling that way? Catmanor, it's so true that the person we were with our spouse is never going to be there again, but they still live on in our memories. I, too, am doing many things that wouldn't have interested Geoff. So, in truth, God gives each of us a chance at a new life. We can treasure all the lifetimes we've lived until now and continue to make a new life to also treasure.
Comment by leslie b on August 8, 2011 at 7:42pm
I apologize for all the errors in my comments lately. As you know I am at my son's and I am using my iPad to communicate. I can't seem to get used to writing with the keyboard on the screen. Well I am off to bed now. Hope everyone has a nice night.
Comment by leslie b on August 8, 2011 at 7:38pm
That's right, grandmafi. Windsor is about 90 minutes away from London. If you ever visit your sister in Windsor again I would love it if you came for a visit. It would be great to meet all of you in person. I already feel like I know everyone from their posts here. It would be marvelous all be able to meet. Maybe someday.
Comment by grandmafi on August 8, 2011 at 7:16pm
talkinng about "invites"... thanks owlbert for the invite to walk along ellie beach .... fabulous wee corner of the world... I have walked te coastal path along there and from Ptenweem to Anstruther .... same kneck of the woods so to speak .... I will take you up on that one of these days ....... and , as for others who may wish to visit our bonnie banks... the kettle iis always on !!! I have had two online americn friends come over to  visit ... one younger widow from Traverse City Michigan ... we got on like a house on fire.. and  another who was the friend of an online friend from Oregon ..... its a small world.... and a big thanks to you too Mc Duff for the invite to Cape Cod.... think I mentioned to you that I visited there once a VERY long time ago when I was a lassie of 19 ......loved Boston too but its all a blurr in my distant memory .... may just take you up on that invite and may even get to meet you lesleyb next time I visit my sister in Windsor Ontario , not too far from where you are I think . I did a nostalgic trip to Glasgow yesterday with  two of our American team from Washington DC... (a link with our wee Kirk )... was a fab day with  the World Pipe band Championship participants all giving displays before the big event on saturday ...... mixed emotions for me  as my Billy andI used to meet there in our Courting days under the big clock in glasgow Central railway station ...as did many other sweethearts....... it was`nt sad at all ...... it was lovley ... never thought I would ever be ale to say thatalthough have to say I did get a tad wistful at times and the Washington couple reminded me so very much of  "us".... just like we were  10-15 years ago ....... but ...as we have all been agreeing ... i am not "that " person any more... i said several Posts ago that "she " died when Billy did ... an i am so relieved that y`all feel that too.... validation .... such a precious thing to be completely understood by our widowvillage community .......   ( did you like my American Accent when i said Y`all ) .. ......... its the wee samll hours of the morning here and I cant sleep hence this chat to you folks  ..is`nt cyber wonderful ...... x
Comment by leslie b on August 8, 2011 at 5:26pm
My last vacation with my husband was in Cape Cod. It was a beautiful bed and breakfast and I will cherish the memory forever. Your advice is always excellent, Macduff. I know this is one awful way to gain insight but nevertheless you you have helped me with your advice and I really hope the camaraderie on this site gives you some comfort.
Comment by catmanor on August 8, 2011 at 2:19pm
Cool quote from a book I read recently, so much painful truth, this was spoken by a character who lost her husband and young child in an accident:  "I grieved so deeply when they died that I will never be the same person again. Grief is about the loss of yourself as much as the loss of a loved one. The person you were when you were with the other is gone forever. You'll never be exactly the same with anybody else, laugh at the same jokes, share the same private memories. The special facet of yourself they brought out is dimmed or erased forever. I have created a new self without them but they continue to live somewhere in my mind, healthy and laughing. I suppose they always will." 
Comment by Macduff (Hal) on August 8, 2011 at 1:36pm

Owlbert, I trust in invitation extends to me too. I might have mentioned before that our last, and only, grand vacation was to Edinburgh in 2008. It was in late August during The Fringe Festival. Any of you are welcome to visit me here and stay over at my house in Middleboro, a town that is halfway between Boston and Cape Cod. 

 

I feel funny, leslie, when you talk of me having words of wisdom on bereavement - of course as a psychotherapist it was my job to offer such on other problems but I did not work with grief very often. If there are any pearls of wisdom in what I write here about grief all I can say this is one hell of a way to have gained them. Yes, if I can help others, even or especially with struggles I haven't worked through myself, that is very, very meaningful to me.

 

I have made it a year and eight months, plus prior to that four months of Betty's downslide to death. I still do not know who this new me is. 

Comment by leslie b on August 8, 2011 at 11:58am
Thanks, Macduff. It's so good to have all of you who understand. I think I am actually doing quite well now. I love how you put it that I am a whole person but a different person. My husband and I had many interests that we pursued but I am finding that I am now starting to learn about things that I know would not have interested him but really interest. Me. It actually feels good. Kind of like I am alive again. Your words of wisdom are much appreciated.
Comment by owlbert on August 8, 2011 at 11:46am

GrandmaFi.... you are so right when you say that we don't want to go backwards into that feeling of horror, and hopelessness, that comes with losing a loved one.   With hindsight I know that Maggie was setting me up for when she wouldn't be there, that's the way she was;  ever thoughtful, ever kind.     Me?    I just blundered along in some kind of daze thinking she would be there forever.   Meningeoma's aren't forever things and  the inevitable happened... suddenly Maggie was caught up on the banks of the river while "Owlbert" drifted along on his own.    Luckily for me the village I live in is still an old fashioned kind of place, the kirk is still an important part of village life, and I was soon 'taken in hand' and made to feel useful;  the     feeling of being of some use to other people is a very important feeling.   It doesn't have to be the kirk of course, it could be anything, including family, helping the local community in some way;  anything, it doesn't even have to be physical.     MacDuff is being more than 'useful' with his 'posts' on the village, and we all appreciate what he is doing for us all.     I like to think that Macduff gets someting positive out of his posts.    In 'Village' life we can all      help each other become 'positive' again;  I think that's what Supa Dupa wants!     Hey, lets go for it guys... think positive.     There's a wee saying that goes like this ..."Thinking positive may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth while"!    Oh aye, GrandmaFi....if you ever fancy a walk along Elie beach, and a mug of the mankiest coffee inthe world feel free to come along to The Royal Burgh at any time;  well after the holiday makers leave us... you cannae get parked until then.

 

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