Members

This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Born in the 40s or Earlier

Information

Born in the 40s or Earlier

Groups are a place to connect with others you have something in common with. Please get acquainted here and make friends anywhere on the site.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Members: 232
Latest Activity: on Sunday

Discussion Forum

Coping with yearning for dead husband

Started by Noelene T. Last reply by Noelene T on Sunday. 8 Replies

 I am new to this group and I lost my husband of 26 years on Valentine’s Day this year. He was 85 and I am not 79. I had been married before but he had not. We had a wonderful marriage and he was the…Continue

First post - Aloha

Started by bellgamin. Last reply by Sun Flower on Saturday. 5 Replies

My  first post. Aloha from Hawaii. I was born in 1930 when (as they say) dinosaurs roamed the streets of Honolulu.My wife, Imiko, & I had been married for 56 years when she died of cancer. She…Continue

Joining seven weeks after my wife's death

Started by Neush. Last reply by Bonnie Nov 29. 9 Replies

We seem to have been blessed.  We had a long (43 years) and happy marriage, jobs that we both enjoyed, two daughters and four grandchildren that live nearby, a home and neighborhood we enjoy.  We…Continue

Unfortunately finding myself here

Started by InsideLove. Last reply by Noelene T Nov 27. 7 Replies

My husband died on Aug 28, unexpectedly..I have a grief counselor- her husband passed away at 47 years of marriage too and so, she traveled this path. I do have a grief group, 4 widows 1 widower.…Continue

Comment Wall

Comment

You need to be a member of Born in the 40s or Earlier to add comments!

Comment by Runnergirl on July 18, 2011 at 10:55am
The photo of your dog is adorable. Ginger won't chase a ball yet. She just likes to jump on me and she can get pretty rough with meaning to. I'm making progress on her behavior. I think the crate helps.
Comment by Runnergirl on July 18, 2011 at 10:52am
The crate seems to be quieting her down. At least she is not jumping on me so much. The problem is, I'll be putting my house up for sale and I don't think a large dog crate in the living room is very appealing. In August will be five years from his death and I feel I want to sell the house, symbolic of moving one, I guess.
Comment by owlbert on July 18, 2011 at 7:44am

As Robbie Burns wrote in in the poem To a Mouse, "the best laid schemes o' mice, and men, gang aft agley" and so it was for "Owlbert" and grandson 'JB' this morning.    The 'plan' was that we would go to St Andrews where I would take 'JB' on a guided walk round the main bits of the town.    It was raining so a quick change of 'plan' was called for.     We did go to St Andrews where we had lunch then on to a garden centre where I bought two more fragrant roses for Maggie's sensory garden that is my main project this summer......all part of my way of dealing with the grief.  

    Having been doing a bit of 'browsing' round various  parts of the village and it's good to see that some folks have found 'love' with new partners and are building new lives.    Darren Clarke our Open winner is one well known example of this.    Happiness can rise, pheonix like, out of nowhere, and when least expected.    The search for happiness can be a long and wearysome journey after what we have all been through... the hope is that one day we shall find some form of happiness, be it with someone new in our lives or on our own.    In "Owlbert's" case, as 'JB' says "you couldn't inflict Owlbert on anyone else"   he's too eccentric!    Perhaps my search 'happiness' with someone else is not to be .... but (as I said before there's always a 'but') you never know......the stranger of today might be the 'girlfriend' of tomorrow.!

Comment by Macduff (Hal) on July 18, 2011 at 3:45am

January 11 will always be difficult, but also Jan. 16 the day of the funeral... the next day was my birthday and one of the friends who stayed with me for 1-2 weeks afterwards reminded me and I had totally forgotten. Betty and I never made much of our birthdays but at least we were aware of when they were. Now mine is likely to pass by just as a reminder that I am marking another year without my darling to grow old with.

 

I did find C.S. Lewis' book compelling as his grief mirrored mine in its intensity. Likewise, the grief described by Joan Dideon and Joyce Carol Oates in their memoirs. Those three, as accomplished novelists, say what we all are saying about our feelings as professional writers; but the raw emotion we express is just, or sometimes more, powerful.

 

The time grief takes to stop being the dominant force of your life seems always to come up. The answer is always the same: that it's different for everyone. I am very aware of my age, 67, and that I would like to find someone wonderful to share my life with and time doesn't stand still. But I know every woman I meet I will compare with Betty so she and I will have to really have something special, and if grief is still central to my life she will have to accept that. If she's a widow I will have to accept her grief too.

 

Falling into my happening to be a retired psychotherapist I would suggest everyone understand the overlap between grief which needs to work itself out and both PTSD and clinical depression which can be treated with medications and/ or psychotherapy. A good family physician can help you with this.

 

This is from the NIMH: 

 

  • difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • fatigue and decreased energy
  • feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
  • feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • irritability, restlessness
  • loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • overeating or appetite loss
  • persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
  • persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
  • thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Yes, most of these come with grief too, but antidepressant medications don't lessen grief, they lessen most of these symptoms. I was on one which helped but I kept the same level of grieving, and did an experiment on myself to see if I wasn't experiencing the purest form of grief. So I gradually stopped the meds for two months. The grief stayed the same but the symptoms returned. So I went back on the medication, which take 3-4 weeks to work. After two weeks most of these symptoms are lessening.

Comment by leslie b on July 18, 2011 at 3:07am
Anniversaries are hard and the first one especially so. Hope you feel stonger and ready to take on life today, catmanor. To RockyWidow, sometimes I have asked myself that exact question that your daughter asked. Why does it take so long? Well I guess it means we had good partners and it is very hard to get over such trauma. I think we are all doing our best and we all heal in our own way. We never, however, get over any of this. We do, though, find ways to get on with life and to carve out a new existence. That doesn't mean that we forget our husbands and wives. They will always be with us in our hearts. I also find that planning my days is a very good idea. If I don't know what I am going to do on any given day I seem to feel sorry for myself a little more. However, a day here and there to do just that is not a bad thing either. Had a very busy weekend with a bit of a family reunion and now I have an aunt visiting from Montreal so I will be pleasantly busy for a while. For that I am grateful.
Comment by grandmafi on July 18, 2011 at 1:08am
Morning  everyone . Rockywidow ...... been thinking about that comment your daughter made ... I honestly think if there was an answer to that  we would all choose not to be in the grip of grief...... I read somewhere ( read so many things I cant remember where) that it is right and normal to grieve BUT... we must  not allow the spirit of grief to control us ..... I think the best little book on grief that I read was "A Greif Oberved " by C.S.Lewis ... its only  little book and he wrote it not lonfg after is beloved wife died...... I for one dont want to be controlled bt grief ... it controlled me for a long time .... I think it was at the 4 year mark for me that I  realised that I was taking control ... most of the time ,,, and ,  6 years on , its still like that... most of the time ..... I am currently looking to plan a holiday ... dont know where yet, looking a Sites and Brochures and also having a new kitchen installed ... as Owlbert said in an earlier Post... having  a Plan is good and he does it every night for the next day .... I am not as organised as that .... I do now try to plan for the significant dates tho ...Catmanor .... hugs to you ... today you will feel better I am sure.... an jacuser..... I so feel your heartache ... to have this happen twice is awful ... and as you say ... it is hard work and exhausting ...... it does get more bearable and manageable tho ... and I love that you found happiness after your first husband died, thats lovely ..... hope you all have a good Monday ..... thinking of you hugs all around the room ...xx
Comment by RockyWidow on July 17, 2011 at 6:10pm
So my daughter commented today when I said I can't seem to stop grieving...it's been 6 years now...that maybe I don't want to stop grieving.  Any thoughts on this comment?
Comment by RockyWidow on July 17, 2011 at 6:09pm
To just make it through seems like a marathon...hugs and blessings to you for continuing on.
Comment by catmanor on July 17, 2011 at 6:02pm
Tough, tough day...our anniversary. The first since Dennis died on 1/1/11. I made it through and am going to take the cats and go to bed early.
Comment by Lee on July 17, 2011 at 5:37pm
jacuser my heart goes out to you.  ((((Hugs))))  I hope we will be a group you can turn to.  Remember no matter how your feeling you can come to us and WE GET IT.  Stop by the chat area sometime and talk to real people in real time.  It sure has helped me to talk directly with someone and get an immediate answer.
 

Members (231)

 
 
 

© 2018   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service