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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

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Born in the 40s or Earlier

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Born in the 40s or Earlier

Groups are a place to connect with others you have something in common with. Please get acquainted here and make friends anywhere on the site.

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Members: 237
Latest Activity: Apr 10

Discussion Forum

Coping with yearning for dead husband

Started by Noelene T. Last reply by tapevad Feb 25. 14 Replies

 I am new to this group and I lost my husband of 26 years on Valentine’s Day this year. He was 85 and I am not 79. I had been married before but he had not. We had a wonderful marriage and he was the…Continue

First post - Aloha

Started by bellgamin. Last reply by Bonnie Jan 6. 8 Replies

My  first post. Aloha from Hawaii. I was born in 1930 when (as they say) dinosaurs roamed the streets of Honolulu.My wife, Imiko, & I had been married for 56 years when she died of cancer. She…Continue

Unfortunately finding myself here

Started by InsideLove. Last reply by Gwamma Jan 5. 8 Replies

My husband died on Aug 28, unexpectedly..I have a grief counselor- her husband passed away at 47 years of marriage too and so, she traveled this path. I do have a grief group, 4 widows 1 widower.…Continue

Joining seven weeks after my wife's death

Started by Neush. Last reply by sis Jan 3. 11 Replies

We seem to have been blessed.  We had a long (43 years) and happy marriage, jobs that we both enjoyed, two daughters and four grandchildren that live nearby, a home and neighborhood we enjoy.  We…Continue

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Comment by leslie b on August 6, 2011 at 8:51am
Just want to let everybody know that I arrived safely at my son's. The plane trip was easy and now I have accomplished something else by myself. I'm proud of myself that I did this. So it's onward and upward from here!
Comment by Macduff (Hal) on August 6, 2011 at 3:51am
I'd like to bring up something that has been troubling me. Many of use were married to our spouses for half or more than our adult lives. I don't know whether this fact has kept me in a kind of limbo of disbelief that Betty really is dead. It has been one year and almost eight months since she died. There's a part of me that still just can't accept it is true. I often feel that she is really just in another room or will be coming home from work or some errand soon and I'll hear her pulling in the driveway.

I don't know if this is a function of being married so long and having Betty being the center of my life. Everything revolved around her. MY job as director of a mental health center was challenging and fulfilling but as much as I wanted to help patients I mostly wanted to please her.

I just can't seem to let go, to accept that she is gone forever.

I don't know if this is because we were married so long, 40 years, or just because of the depth of my love. I know many of you had a beloved spouse die whom you married later in life and probably feel the same way as I do.

The length of time may be secondary. But what I like to open for sharing is about not being able to accept the reality expressed in the quote from Donald Hall about the death of his wife:


You think that their
dying is the worst
thing that could happen.

Then they stay dead.

-------

I used to think I was caught in a "Groundhog Day" type nightmare where every day I'd wake and have to remind myself Betty was dead. That was jarring and often led to a meltdown.

Now I just have trouble believing it.
Comment by leslie b on August 4, 2011 at 1:51pm
Thanks so much, owlbert and itaintme. I am sure I will have a great time. Good luck on your big trip at the end of August, itaintme. Owlbert, I really wish we had a rail system here in Canada like you have in the UK. We used to have a good system but somewhere along the line everything went downhill. They are working on modernizing our system. It can't come soon enough for me. I would much rather travel by train than plane. Anyway, I shall talk to you soon. Until then, thanks again to you both.
Comment by itaintme on August 4, 2011 at 1:29pm
Leslie b, you're going to have a great time. Enjoy! Though I've traveled a lot, I still get nervous when I fly. On 31 August I'll be flying to London to attend my granddaughter's wedding. It will be the first time I've made an international flight on my own and that part I'm not looking forward to. Owlbert, I do wish the USA had a train system like the UK. I shall be utilizing that system to get around while I'm on your side of the pond.
Comment by owlbert on August 4, 2011 at 1:11pm
good luck "Leslie b"...   one step at a time ... and and you're 'home and dry'.    The last time I was on a plane was coming home from Cyprus in 1960 (National service).... the plane had propellors!    I travel by train here in the UK ... but then this is a wee place.    I can't get into my head the size of the USA and Canada, hence the need to travel by plane.     Life is full of 'excitements'... you go for it and enjoy this one!     You deserve it!
Comment by leslie b on August 4, 2011 at 10:34am
Well, I've printed my boarding pass and I'm all packed, so wish me luck. I'm on my way tomorrow morning.
Comment by leslie b on August 3, 2011 at 5:13pm
Everyone has been so wonderful and helpful about my trip. Thanks for the support. I am sure I can do this with all of you behind me. Thank you so much, my online pals.
Comment by Susan B on August 3, 2011 at 4:15pm
be prepared--look up the airports online, learn as much as you can about the layout. And, you've been to the big one before, that might make it seem more familiar once you get there. If you feel fear, take some slow deep breaths.
Comment by leslie b on August 3, 2011 at 1:29pm
Thanks again, Macduff. I will keep all of that in mind.
Comment by Macduff (Hal) on August 3, 2011 at 12:33pm

I don't want to give medical advice so use your judgment. I can say that anticipating anxiety can lead to even more anxiety, so knowing you have tranquilizers with you can help even if you don't take one.

 

Don't drink caffeine before you leave unless you have to as that tends to make people more anxious.

 

Try to get a good night's sleep and if you can't fall asleep consider using a tranquilizer for that.

 

I have always found in 40 years of clinical practice that people tended tounder-use tranquilizers even when the prescription bottle generally says "take as needed".

It's best to take them before you need them as most take between 25-40 minutes to have their full effect.

 

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