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Comment by Frank on March 14, 2019 at 10:10pm

Hi,

When Susan passed my two sons and I gathered up all her Dialysis and blood sugar test equipment and supplies and donated them.  The boxes of dialysis fluid remaining, we gave back to the clinic. Since they cannot reissue the stuff they gladly accepted them for training purposes.

Her clothing I donated to a couple of places, one for battered women and woman who needed clothing to go to job interviews.  I gave her coats to the annual coat collections (this was December).  A year later the addition we'd started to build was finally finished and I got the Certificate of Occupancy.  With me now able to live in and use the addition I emptied the 10x30 storage space we had rented and filled the addition with boxes. I was in no shape to start sorting through them. Instead, I created a walk way through them.  After 4 years of walking through the walkway. I reached over and grabbed a plastic bag. I turned it around and it said Personal belongings??  I opened it up and the bag contained the clothing Susan wore on the helicopter flight into Denver. I set the bag down cried and did nothing.  I couldn't.  About 6 months later, I just dug in and started sorting.. Stuff to donate, stuff to trash, and stuff I couldn't bring myself to get rid of.  Its been 6 years now and I still have boxes to go through and frankly don't know what I'm going to do with.  For instance, Susan loved small brass animals.  Each year I'd buy a couple for her for Christmas or sneak on in on our anniversary. They are solid brass, and I've no idea what to do with them.  I've got to dig in and start, and like with a journey starts with the first step, the cleaning starts with the first box.  I just gotta start..

(HUGS)

Frank

Comment by Luis on March 14, 2019 at 3:20pm

Donna J., I empathize with you about the difficulty of parting with your husband’s things. I’m approaching two years since I lost my beloved wife of 35 years, and I haven’t disposed of anything yet. Although the clothes and other items don’t give me the comfort that I experienced at first, I still am not ready to part with them. Or even to sort through them all. As for tears, that is less frequent now but still happens and I don’t try to shut it down. I always experience some degree of relief from crying. Yes, real men do cry. Don’t rush yourself to complete these sad tasks. They are part of our grieving process, and it will take as long as it takes. 

Blessings and peace to you — and have another scoop of ice cream. 

Comment by Donna J. on March 14, 2019 at 2:25pm

Thank you to everyone who responded to my comments about my inability to give my husband’s things away.  I received some good suggestions and it makes me feel less alone to know that there are people out there feeling the same as I do. Last week I had a two day meltdown, started to cry and couldn’t stop. Somewhere in the midst of it I thought —  why do you think you have to stop crying? Is that a rule from your inner jackel? So I just cried without beating myself up. When the crying stopped I went for ice cream. Two scoops. 

Comment by laurajay on March 14, 2019 at 11:37am

James.  see you  signed  in.  How was  your trip/visit  to Chicago?

Comment by Mrs. L. on March 13, 2019 at 3:47pm

I still keep pictures too.  I even wear my ring.  It pains me about this wedding ring, which is in the safety deposit box. His original band from 1974 and put on him when he was laid to rest.  I have collage of pictures on walls, and pictures on his night stand, all though I have taken some pictures down I still feel, like you, these are my memories and that's all I have left.  Right now I am in the process of distributing what he had willed to his grandchildren and it's been hard day.  Really upsets me.  felt really weak as I was in the process of boxing of those items and writing a note to the grandchildren on his behalf. 

Comment by only1sue on March 13, 2019 at 2:45pm

It took me along time to get rid of Ray's clothes. I still have a few things and it sounds a good idea to collect them in a box with a few maybe on display. I still have a few of my favourite photos of him on display too. We had 44 years of life together and so he is still large in my memory and conversation. Sadly less and less people now remember the Ray before the strokes so it is so wonderful when an old friend contacts. All we can do is attempt to preserve our happy memories and meaningful life events in whatever way we see fit.

Comment by eightracker on March 12, 2019 at 9:36am

I think everyone's comfort level is different, AFA removing your late spouse's clothes and things.  Not long after my little one of 45 years left me, I had our kids help me clean out the house of stuff she had accumulated, esp piling up during her Alzheimer's period.  We have a good sized walk in closet, and of course her clothes took up 7/8 of it.  Our daughter separated what could be donated, what she herself wanted, and anything that should just be disposed.  I have her favorite purse, and one pair of slacks hanging in there now.  Her sewing room begot a warehouse look, so we cleaned it out, and it's now my tribute room to her.  I put a glass and Cherrywood end table I bought in there, with her picture in the center, flanked by two glass swans she had, and a black bordered throw rug in front.  Alongside is a fake palm tree, and in back on the wall is a candle sconce she had never gotten around to mounting.  It's gold, and I got two long gold candles for it.  I saved her metal sewing machine, on the work table I had built long ago, along with some of her crocheted squares, threads, buttons, yardsticks, etc.  I also have several more pictures of her around the room.  Every morning when I get up, I go in there and wish her good morning.  I know her spirit is with me, as she leaves me signs almost every day.  This week will mark two years since I've been thrust into widowerhood, and I hate it!!  But life must go on.

Comment by Mrs. L. on March 12, 2019 at 7:53am

Laurajay, I think that was a good idea to put special items in a box.  I did donate clothes to charities, after about 1-1/2 years, mostly verterans, but it took me a couple of days because I had to lay down in between because it was so difficult.  I still have a couple of his jackets and I went to donate them recently, folded them up, put them in the box and then I could not do it.  I just pictured him wearing it.  I unfolded it, and hung it back in the closet.  It's going on 3 years, and I feel it is getting harder.  I can't imagine being with someone else, or having anything in common with.  We lead a pretty simple life style.  Thought about online dating, can't seem to do that either. 

Comment by laurajay on March 11, 2019 at 4:07pm

Donna.  My husband  died  unexpectedly....not  sick....not a relapse  not  murder, accident  or  long term anything...he just  died.  I made  a "one  box"   and gave  everything  else  away  as he would have  wanted-  I kept  personal things  like  wallet, hair  and tooth brushes, mementoes,  etc and one  of every  kind  of clothing shirt, pants, shorts,  underwear, jacket/coat, shoes, socks, hat&gloves, sweater  etc.  because it  was such  a  shock  the way he  died,   I wanted  him to have  a  total  change  of all  his  things  if  he  returned.  Strange  as  it sounds now...almost  7 yrs  later.  I sealed  the  box  and tucked it  away  in his  closet.  Made  me feel good  to give  away  his  clothes  but  keep  enough  to remember.  Did it in first three months.

  I know  some people  have not  even moved  their  spouses  shoes from  under  the  bed nor  their  coat from  off a hook  on the  wall even  later!  All  are  acceptable.  When you are  ready  it will  feel right.  For  now  don't  worry  about  it...you  are  not  ready  and  it;'s  OK!   He  will not  be back....but he   will live  forever  in your  mind and heart.  Honest.  You  will  change  and  adapt  in time.   No  schedule for  how long.  Everyone  is  truly different.  hugs                      lj

Comment by Donna J. on March 11, 2019 at 3:45pm

My husband has been gone for little over a year and I still cannot give his clothes to the charities that I know can use them.  I keep trying and each time I dissolve into tears with the realization that deep inside of me in my own personal neverland I believe he is going to come back. He has to. 

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