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Born in the 50s

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Members: 728
Latest Activity: 21 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Dating

Started by Mike. Last reply by Athena53 yesterday. 20 Replies

Buying A House

Started by Tekwriter. Last reply by Tekwriter Oct 6. 13 Replies

Anyone experiencing loneliness?

Started by bblue5. Last reply by bblue5 Sep 13. 6 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by Barzan yesterday

Thanks for the laugh NoLonger.  I can just see the shelter men waiting for adoption.  My fear is one with a serious comb over.   To me, it’s just announcing that there is much more wrong under the hood.  Like Chef, I have had several odd dates in the past few years which confirmed that I will not be doing anybody’s laundry but my own.  

Unless a perfect man falls out of the sky, I will remain solo.

have  a great weekend.

Suzan

Comment by Athena53 yesterday

I haven't been on much lately- lots of things got slammed onto my schedule at once although they're all good.  (Weekend of classes an hour away till last Sunday, drove 3.5 hours to Des Moines Monday to see DS and his family, took the 4-year old granddaughter on an overnight plane trip to Chicago, home Thursday, 3 different church-related activities between yesterday and today.)

I had to laugh at the "husband shelter" idea, too!  I was in a grief group after Ron died and the only guy in it was probably in his 70s, had been married to his wife (Maudie Jane- wonderful name) since he was 18 and she was 15. He was totally broken up.  I also see some sad ones on Match- one 85-year old guy who Liked my profile listed his status as "separated" and said he was lonely.  Wow- going through a divorce at 85. 

Although the "husband shelter" types probably need someone desperately, that's exactly what I don't want. 

Comment by LP yesterday

Yes, the replacement idea is insulting. No one tells my daughter she’ll get another father. I wince when people say, “ But don’t worry, you’re still young!” when  I haven’t even expressed any desire to meet someone else, I’ve only said I’m a widow. (And ‘young’ at 60? When do I get to be old and safe from patronising comment?). I will not be adopting from the husband shelter any time soon!

Comment by Kimber yesterday

Thank you Barzan for the laugh!  I've been widowed 3 years and some, and since I turned 60 a couple months ago, most of the men I get matched with on dating sites are 15-20 years my senior, definitely in the husband shelter.  Laughter is the best medicine...

Comment by chef (John) yesterday

I think some people "get it" in certain small ways, but the majority just doesn't.

@Barzan: "Replace" grates on my nerves. I find it insulting to me, my late wife and to any possible "replacement". 

@NoLongerInBergenJC: Some of us are wearing headphones and listening to music of various genres. (Watch out for the heavy metal aficionados!) The REALLY annoying ones are the guys playing computer games or arguing sports/politics. ;-) Members of each gender are hot on the trail for a whatever drives 'em--at least from where I'm standing.

After dating off-and-on for seven years, I see a trend, and expect to finish the ride alone. Things can always change, but I am being a realist. 

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC yesterday

@Barzan:  I long ago decided to just figure people mean well and to just let the stupid things they say go.  To do otherwise causes nothing but madness.

I refer to the "I know you'll meet someone else" thing is just another manifestation of them not wanting to have to think about it anymore.  Rather than appliance replacement, I think of it as them thinking there's a "husband shelter" somewhere where there are men sitting in kennels, probably in recliners with the remote in their hands, watching football or "mythbusters" in their underwear while they wait to be adopted by women who will give them a good home.  Ha!

Comment by riet yesterday

Also in Belgium a sunny mild Autumn day. And I also spend this afternoon in the garden.  I started tidying  up and cleaned the flower pots.  But it is with a broken heart, because only last year, he still did this himself.  I helped him, following his instructions.

The garden was so much his "thing".  I try to remember what he told me about it. It is very difficult.

I  so wished he was with me. 

Comment by Barzan yesterday

Good Morning All,

I have just finished reading your posts about how people don't get us.  My husband has been gone over 7 years now and my family and friends from the past don't ever mention his name anymore - as if he never existed.  The friends I'm closest to are post husband friends.  Some are married who I met at work and a few are single, divorced.  These friends are more supportive and allow me to reminisce or grieve.  

On the subject of replacing your loved one with a new model, I find it insulting.  They weren't like an appliance that wore out- they were the other half of WE.  Yes, people just don't get us and they don't have the tools to understand because there is no blueprint for grief.  I just cut them slack because I've been on this road longer than most of you.  

All I can add to this is for each of you to put yourself first and don't put yourself in uncomfortable situations.  It gets a little easier as the years go by but I still cry at times when there is a trigger that sets it off.  Just be kind to yourself.  Hugs to all.

Comment by LP yesterday

It is a sunny, mild autumn afternoon, with a cloudless sky (rare in England), so I went into the garden to try my hand at pruning and tidying. It makes me feel closer to Chris, because was the gardener in the family (and I haven't a clue what I'm doing but I'm learning). even though I cried a bit while doing it, I felt better. I thought he would have been pleased that I was taking care of his project. 

I especially talk to him when I tend to his roses - some of his ashes are buried under them.

I miss him so, so much, I can't put it into words.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on Saturday

Shelley:  You are absolutely right about how something has shifted in your friendships, almost as if the earth's axis has shifted.  You are right about how they just don't get it.  They don't get it because they can't.  It is a unique grief and loss that is different from losing a pet or even different from losing a child, though that loss is probably closest.

I always regretted that we didn't have "couple friends" when my husband was alive, but it sure made things easier after he died, because I wasn't that "third wheel" all the time.  But even my married friends just didn't seem as close.  Their efforts to understand and comfort seemed absurd to me, especially the "get over it" part and the "You will meet someone else because you're awesome" part.

The friend who got ME through and with whom I remain closest is one whose young adult daughter died of an overdose and then she and her husband divorced.  That is also pretty cataclysmic.  She comes close to getting it.

The "getting over it" and "moving on" stuff is about them, not you.  They want THEIR discomfort to go away.  As long as you are actively displaying your grief and loss, they are going to be uncomfortable.   

I am recently back from setting my husband's ashes free at sea in Jamaica.  It was a lovely event, it went just the way I'd hoped it would, and every time I see a photo of the beach off of which his ashes are, I feel content with the decision.  But I have been unable to do the falling apart stuff of grieving since he died, and this has set some of it loose.  And my sister, who is happily married and fancies herself to be a life coach, was just the other day telling me "At some point you have to work through it."  She thinks she's being understanding, but she doesn't get that there IS no "other side" after which you can look back at it.  It never goes away, not completely. You find a place for it in the life that you have to build, but it never disappears.

 

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