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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum


Started by CarolinaHeart. Last reply by Averysmom Jul 20. 67 Replies


Started by Dianne in Nevada. Last reply by NoLongerInBergenJC Jul 8. 105 Replies

in-laws of deceased husband

Started by Prissy. Last reply by TxDD Jul 7. 5 Replies


Started by Dianne in Nevada. Last reply by Seashell Jun 21. 12 Replies

Retire? Or Not?

Started by Pointbass. Last reply by Susan Apr 8. 22 Replies

Comment Wall


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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on July 16, 2017 at 4:48pm


From grieving their stepfather, it sounds as if it's dawned on them that you could suddenly die, too ..

.They want to keep spending time & making memories w/you ...

That is lovely & heartwarming ...

Comment by WithoutJim on July 14, 2017 at 4:26pm

Boo and Irishlady, Thank you for your kind words.

Yes, my Jim was very much an anchor. He was my children's stepfather who was in their lives from the ages of 7 and 9. He was so rock-steady and devoted; a contrast to their own father. The 3 of us have always been a team since their father left when they were babies. They have truly been my lifesavers since losing Jim so suddenly to undiagnosed leukemia. This tug-of-war just started this month when my son quit his job and I was no longer really needed to watch his 2 year old daughter full-time during the week, but I so enjoyed being at their home. My daughter quite suddenly expressed how much she felt like a second class citizen because I was so involved in my son's life even though I have spent almost every weekend with she and/or her children. 

I have shared all the details of my life with very dear widowed big sister plus a very dear widow friend. They are in as much shock as I am. My kids are just acting so strange! Like they are regressing to being little children.  It is truly breaking my heart. 

Thank you for your support. 

Comment by irishlady on July 14, 2017 at 11:30am

withoutJim...Much love on this your Anniversary. I don't know what it is, but I have gone through similar things with my 4 kids. I swear my husband was the only one who held this family together. He has been gone for 4 years and I barely recognize this family anymore. My problem is my kids don't want too much of me, but not enough. I rarely see most of them, they rarely call. Grandchildren too. I feel totally forgotten some days. You would think they'd be more concerned now than before, but no. And my only daughter has chosen to move almost 2 hours away and when I told her I may look for an apartment closer to her just in case of emergency or illness on my part, it would be nice to have someone close by. Well, she told me not to hitch my wagon to her as she wants to travel In other words not be saddled with me! that was a slap in the face. wish I had answers for you, but I don't. But I sure relate. (((hugs)))

Comment by Boo on July 14, 2017 at 9:44am


So sorry to hear this.  Family dynamics change when we lose someone.  I've seen some of that already with  our two (grown) children.  Do you have a third party you can talk to about the specifics to get some ideas about how to deal with it?  (like counselor, or trusted friend)   Sounds like your Jim was a good anchor for them, and for you.    

Thinking of you this anniversary day.


Comment by WithoutJim on July 14, 2017 at 8:50am

 I am having a strong bout of feeling so helpless as my grown children who have been so supportive for the past 4 1/2 years are suddenly expressing strong disapproval about how I divide my time between their two families. I am on the verge -- some moments -- of moving at least 3 hours away so that I can get some independence from this tug of war, but I am so grateful to be so involved in their lives so I am just at loss of how to get some peace back. I feel that they are no longer grateful for the support that I give to them. Their reactions are breaking my heart. If my Jim were still here, I would not be in this position, because "our" plans always were the first priority. Plus, they so respected his opinion, I just cannot imagine that they would act this way. They remind me of their fighting over a favorite toy in their childhood. I truly am at a loss. I have always been so proud of their grownup selves and this behavior is so disappointing to me. 

And today would have been our 27th anniversary so I am doubly hurting. 

Comment by Susan on July 3, 2017 at 10:51am

No Longer In BergenJC,

    I was listening to one of the recordings at the Drs. office... It has Paul asking the Dr if he'll live to see Christmas... The Dr. said " Of Course "... He didn't live that long. :-(  His voice hurts to listen to. It's like he's begging for more time to live.  I NEEDED to share this with someone. 


Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on July 3, 2017 at 9:43am

I have no videos.  We never recorded anything except a few videos of the cats being silly.  We took scenic photos when we went on vacation, but there were few photos of the two of us because he never wanted to meet other couples where we were staying.  He hated to be photographed and so did I.  I have only two photos of him that date any later than 2007.  One of them is a photo of him sleeping on the couch after having his catheter out following his TURBT when we'd found out definitively that he had muscle-invasive bladder cancer.  I must have sensed that this was my last opportunity to take his picture looking normal.  The other is an accidental selfie -- or at least I think it was accidental.  It was taken after his cerebrovascular bypass surgery.  He'd lost most of his hair to chemo and the rest was straggly and mussed...the right side of his face was drooping, as I now noticed and hadn't for at least the previous four years.  He had a 4" incision on the side of his head.  He looks terrible in this photo -- sad and defeated and depressed and ill.  I found it accidentally on the Galaxy tablet I'd bought him to watch movies during chemo.  I was looking at the camera features and found a dozen selfies taken by a friend's adorable four-year-old -- and then that one.  It was as if he'd returned from the dead to show me why I shouldn't feel guilty about letting him go.  It is now almost four years later and I still cannot bear to look at it again.

Like you, WithoutJim, I try to focus on the gratitude for the 30 years we had, even though a lot of them weren't exactly great.  I would rather do that than focus on a past I cannot get back.

Comment by WithoutJim on July 3, 2017 at 9:00am

NolongerinBergenJC and Susan,

It does seem unbelievable still that all that was person can just turn to ashes. I am so touched by your listening to your husbands' voices. You have made me rethink how I have avoided watching videos that include his voice. I'm going to try over the next few days to watch and listen to some of them. I've had a rough few weeks and finally realized that I've moved away from my practice of focusing on being grateful. My Jim was a master at living in a state of gratefulness. Having him for almost 30 years in my life is something that I am so incredibly grateful for and it's time to be grateful for the photos and videos capturing some of our best experiences. 

Hugs to you both! 


Comment by Susan on July 3, 2017 at 7:37am

To  NoLongerInBergenJC,

   I understand... Sadly understand.



Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on July 3, 2017 at 7:31am

@Susan:  I too have the recordings of medical visits on my iPad, just to hear Steve's voice.  It seems mind-boggling that a voice and a mind and what makes a person a person can be a pile of ashes in an urn on my dresser.


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