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Born in the 50s

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Members: 712
Latest Activity: on Friday

Discussion Forum

TRAVELING ALONE?

Started by CarolinaHeart. Last reply by chef (John) on Friday. 81 Replies

Giving Myself a Panic Attack

Started by Shoosie2. Last reply by LP Jun 10. 9 Replies

The hardest time of day

Started by Tess. Last reply by 1988zinnia Jun 8. 26 Replies

Deja Vu all over again?

Started by Shoosie2. Last reply by LP Jun 2. 4 Replies

Problems with moving

Started by Racingfan60. Last reply by Melissa Mar 10. 2 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by chef (John) on Wednesday

Barzan:

True, dat! (...until it [the memory] comes back to you...and it usually comes at the most unexpected moment...) :-)

Comment by Muns on June 5, 2018 at 9:43am

Yes Barzan!  Steve had such a good memory for names and places.  Me, not so much, and now that I am a widow it is even worse.  Also I am finding being in the second year can be harder.  I saw this in an earlier post and it is so true.  I guess the shock is wearing off and reality is settling in.  I don't want to scare those that are so new to this though, it is a journey.  Bless you all for being here and posting.  It helps so much.  

Comment by LP on June 4, 2018 at 12:07pm

Yes, Barzan, no one to share jokes with, pet names. I am in the UK and we are going through something called Brexit at the moment - my Chris was an economist and he could explain all the ramifications to me. There is no one to ask now. I planted his favourite roses for him in the garden where I'll put some of his ashes. But he will never see them. I'm not spiritual or religious, but I like to fool myself with the comforting fantasy that he CAN see them and is saying "good job".

Comment by LP on June 4, 2018 at 12:03pm

Yes, Riet and Melissa, i go through that too. I was with good friends for lunch Sunday  - sunny, warm day, beautiful garden - and I could smile and join in the conversation, but always thinking "Chris isn't here". Although I treasure the memories, it hurts to know that no more new memories will be made with him. The hard fact is very distressing. Breathe deep. One day at a time.

we all get what you feel.

Comment by Barzan on June 4, 2018 at 12:02pm

Rite and Melissa,

your letters remind me of my first few years.  I’d read a good book or watch a good movie and think to myself that Barney would enjoy this.  Then I’d get so darn sad at the reality of him never getting to see or read it.  The other thing of note you will encounter if you haven’t yet is the fact that he won’t be there to help you recall an event, someone’s name, a restaurant you both enjoyed, a place you’ve visited, a name of a book, a title of a movie, etc. These are memories are gone forever unless you can remember it yourself.  It is so frustrating because there is no one else to ask.

Comment by Melissa on June 4, 2018 at 11:18am

Riet, I think we all do that. I know I do. When people visit, or something makes me laugh, or I read something Gilbert would like, I just keep thinking "Gilbert's dead. He's never coming back." It's the last thing I think when I go to sleep at night and the first thing I think when I wake up in the morning.

For us, it's like having the sun go away forever. It can't really be true. Not forever. But it is true. Some days are easier than others. I can think that and not cry. There are more of those days now, like my brain is finally starting to accept it. My heart never will.

Keep talking. This group of friends understand. Peace to you.

Comment by riet on June 4, 2018 at 9:58am

Dear friends,

I had a good weekend: I was surrounded by my lovely kids and grandchildren. Neighbors and good friends came to visit me.  All did the best they could do for me.

But I have to tell myself whole the time:  my husband died, my husband died.. I still can't believe it sometimes.

I know it of course.  But I can't see for real what that means: he will never never come again.  Never we will speak again. Never he will make me laugh again, never he will surprise me again.   Nevermore we will enjoy just being together 

I can mess with his books and records as much as I like, never he will see that and make a remark about it. This just can't be true. But it is.  It really is.

Sorry, but I have to tell this to someone (again).

Thanks to all of you

Comment by irishlady (jan) on June 3, 2018 at 6:38am

Maggie...ditto on the mom thing. I so wish my Mom was still here. She would have listened and hugged me..she was my best friend too.

When I was in a grief group just a few moths after my husband died, there were maybe 10 in the group and out of those were 3 widows, me included. We all bonded quickly and have stayed friends and they are my go to's when things aren't going well as they understand so well. And no condemnation.

When my husband died, I was living in a senior community and when I would meet someone on the walk, they'd either avert their eyes or ask how I was and when I started to tell them, they would get this look in their eyes like a deer caught in headlights and that look said it all...."I want to be anywhere but here right now" I learned early on to just reply fine or Ok. they may ask, but few really want to know or hear of it. IMO

Comment by CarLady on June 3, 2018 at 4:56am

Hi everyone.  These posts remind me of my return to work after bereavement leave when my husband died 4.5 yrs ago.  My third week back I was attending a retirement dinner for my boss, and while at the table in front of 7-8 others one of my coworkers said “So, it’s been 6 weeks or so since your husband died. Are you pretty much over it and feeling like yourself again?”   I was so stunned I couldn’t say anything, and no one else spoke either.  I’m assuming it was because her comment and question was so inappropriate.  I kept thinking “really?  Over a 35 year marriage in 6 weeks?”   This was a married woman with 2 teenage children too.  From reactions I’ve been on the receiving end of during this journey there are some people who are so selfish and self-centered they don’t feel deeply for anyone else.  This woman is one, and there are a couple of in-laws exactly the same.  Devoid of feelings for others, they cannot comprehend grief - or true love either.  Times of crisis bring out everyone’s true nature for sure.  Hope this lovely Sunday brings peace to all who mourn. 

Comment by Annie25 on June 3, 2018 at 4:36am

Hi Everyone

So sad to see all these posts regarding

friends and family who feel we should get over it. II am 18 mons in and some days are still so difficult. I truly believe unless you have experienced a loss such as ours you cannot truly understand the pain. I also feel that most people are very uncomfortable discussing grief and just don’t know how to respond to us. I learned in my support group that this reaction from other people is very common. Continue to sorrowing yourselves with the people that make you feel the most comfortable and loved. 

Wishing everyone peace and comfort  

 

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