A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Groups are a place to help locate folks "like you," and maybe say "hi."
Welcome to this group's coordinator, Wannabmartha!
Latest Activity: 49 minutes ago
BergenJC, my husband asked for euthanasia, too, but not until the disease and pain passed a threshold. We both figured it was just downhill from there, and it turned out to be true. But, it wasn't legal in our state and our estate lawyer advised strongly against it since I was the beneficiary of his will. I did the best I could (he spent the last 2-1/2 months at home) to keep him comfortable, but it was not a fun time for either of us, nor for his adult son who had moved in to help.
Hey, at least your husband would have stayed if he could. Mine had been looking for a way out of his own head for decades (but refused to get any real help). When he was diagnosed with cancer, he wanted active euthanasia. Never once did he mention what it would do to me because I think he was so depressed he did not care. I think he loved me within the limits of his ability to do so, but at his core he was self-involved because he had to be in order to function. I told him that if he was serious, I would relocate him to a right-to-die state (which I think is only Washington and Vermont) and he would have to do his own legwork. I did note that these states require a psych exam and a terminal condition and that he would probably not pass either.
It's the hideous irony of what happened that ultimately it was his own head (brain) that allowed him to escape it.
Choosing life: "What made me think a hopeless situation could be reversed?" What a profound question, and a true answer to coulda-woulda-shoulda.Reminds me of how I used to walk around the apt crying out, "Why did you leave me?" until one day I heard, clear as a bell, "If he could have stayed, he would have." In that moment, I lost a lot of anger. I guess it's all about asking the right question.
Hi dianne. Thanks for sharing that umbrella. That is so absolutely true!!!!
@Kerrie: It's important to come to peace with "Nothing else could have been done." I wrestle with this too, or did until I realized that even if I had let them put a trache and PEG into my husband after his stroke and seizures, and even if he MIGHT have awakened, he would likely have been severely disabled, he still had bladder cancer...and since this was a man who talked of euthanasia from the moment of his diagnosis, I am now at peace with it. Once you can come to terms with the woulda-shoulda-coulda, you are well on your way towards healing.
Finding the right local group is difficult - I was unable to find anything local that worked for me, so I spent my time right here in Widowed Village and worked through things. Early on I spent lots of time in the chat room and developed some good friendships there. Found Brave Girls Club my second year and those online classes and their 'camp' really helped me find 'me' and some dear friends. Be open to the possibilities that are out there. Don't be afraid to try something. If it doesn't feel right, then leave. But then try something else.
Check to see if there's a Soaring Spirits Regional Group in your area - more will be added soon. You can see a list by clicking HERE or by going to the Soaring Spirits web site: http://www.soaringspirits.org/events/regional-events/ These groups hold informal social gatherings twice a month - with new friendships made, smiles and even laughter. Being with others who just 'get it' is so very helpful.
If there isn't a regional group close to you, check http://www.meetup.com/ to see if there is a widow/widower group in your area. Or maybe a book club group, or a hiking group or whatever your interest might be. Or take a class at the local college or through the parks & rec of your community.
I know it's not easy to put yourself out there, to feel vulnerable when you walk in a room and don't know anyone. I've been there and it's hard and I've had to literally push myself out the door - but it's the only way to work through this change in our lives.
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