Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Born in the 50s

Groups are a place to help locate folks "like you," and maybe say "hi."

Welcome to this group's coordinator, Wannabmartha!

Members: 468
Latest Activity: 49 minutes ago

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Comment by Phaedra 49 minutes ago

BergenJC, my husband asked for euthanasia, too, but not until the disease and pain passed a threshold. We both figured it was just downhill from there, and it turned out to be true. But, it wasn't legal in our state and our estate lawyer advised strongly against it since I was the beneficiary of his will. I did the best I could (he spent the last 2-1/2 months at home) to keep him comfortable, but it was not a fun time for either of us, nor for his adult son who had moved in to help.

Comment by BergenJC 1 hour ago

Hey, at least your husband would have stayed if he could.  Mine had been looking for a way out of his own head for decades (but refused to get any real help).  When he was diagnosed with cancer, he wanted active euthanasia.  Never once did he mention what it would do to me because I think he was so depressed he did not care.  I think he loved me within the limits of his ability to do so, but at his core he was self-involved because he had to be in order to function.  I told him that if he was serious, I would relocate him to a right-to-die state (which I think is only Washington and Vermont) and he would have to do his own legwork.  I did note that these states require a psych exam and a terminal condition and that he would probably not pass either.  

It's the hideous irony of what happened that ultimately it was his own head (brain) that allowed him to escape it.

Comment by Phaedra 1 hour ago

Choosing life: "What made me think a hopeless situation could be reversed?" What a profound question, and a true answer to coulda-woulda-shoulda.

Reminds me of how I used to walk around the apt crying out, "Why did you leave me?" until one day I heard, clear as a bell, "If he could have stayed, he would have." In that moment, I lost a lot of anger. I guess it's all about asking the right question.

Comment by Seeking peace in VA 3 hours ago
I was talking to the only other widow I know about this- there has to be more than the two of us in the Tidewater area of Virginia that don't really want a support group so much as someone to go out to dinner, or to see a show or a movie...a place to meet new friends, rather than new dates!
Comment by stimpy13 8 hours ago
I know the difficulty of finding a support group or even friends to talk to. My husband passed on 12/6/10, an then my mom died on 7/23 /11. My family has made me feel like I am alien because I want to remember on their day of passing too. I am also someone who experienced multiple losses in addition to Mark & mom. My cousin died of a heart attack related to her lupus, she was 38. Both of mr mothers sister in laws died within the year prior to her passing. My ex sister in law also passed to to brain cancer. Then I watched my father start on line dating because he needed someone to be there to cook, clean and hold the light. He now has a girlfriend that I do like, but I feel like everyone just forgot I exist. I am trying to get my family to help me with some house repairs because I am not feeling well. You would think I was trying to pull teeth, although I have always been there when someone needed my help. With the therapy I have gone through recently, I sent an email to my family asking for help on specific things. You would think I was asking for the world based on the responses I got back, including no response from my son or my middle sister. I am so sensitive since I lost my husband & mom.
Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) 9 hours ago

Hi dianne. Thanks for sharing that umbrella. That is so absolutely true!!!!

Comment by Choosing life 10 hours ago
BergenJC --- I so agree with your post. I tortured myself with the "shoulda woulda coulda" almost non-stop for the last year. Even though my sons kept telling me that I did everything I could. I didn't see it that way at all.

I look back at my journey so far and realize that I was not the only one with unbearable heartache. My two amazing sons, my husbands family, my family and countless friends all had their own private torture. And most of all my incredibly brave husband whose only concern was for me and our sons. What made me think a hopeless situation could be reversed? I don't know. Did I try every second of the day? Yes. The Good Lord most certainly held me in his hand during that time because somehow I was able to keep going. I know that all of you did the same.

We have been beat up but we do not give up. The dark days are still here, but not as frequent. The 2 am night terrors still come, but not every night. And I tell myself out loud that "I did do everything I could have done". Did I do it perfectly? No. I did it on a moments notice and as it happened. And that was enough.

So today since the weather is nice, I am doing a little outside painting. By the end of the day I hope to feel proud of my accomplishment and sufficiently worn out to sleep well tonight. That would be a good day. Peace out.
Comment by BergenJC 13 hours ago

@Kerrie:  It's important to come to peace with "Nothing else could have been done."  I wrestle with this too, or did until I realized that even if I had let them put a trache and PEG into my husband after his stroke and seizures, and even if he MIGHT have awakened, he would likely have been severely disabled, he still had bladder cancer...and since this was a man who talked of euthanasia from the moment of his diagnosis, I am now at peace with it.  Once you can come to terms with the woulda-shoulda-coulda, you are well on your way towards healing.

Comment by Kerrie 15 hours ago
I was offerred a 13 month free assistance from the hospice group. Jave braved it and called a couple times to see just what they offer. Each time I called the person on the letter wasnt available. I wanted to talk to them on my "terms" meanig when I felt up to it so I didnt leave my info because I didnt want to play phone tag. When I spoke to my husband dr a couple days ago I asked about bereavement groups etc and he said it was a place to go and have people listen. And that I could just shut myself up in a room and shout to make myself feel better. ..believe it or not, he even said ro keep talking to Don because he hears me. I sure wish he hadnt been on vacation while don was in hospital. He looked over the pathology report I had ledt for him and he said there was nothing that could have been done. rhat helped because I wasnt sure id Bringing him home for a Couple of days would have made a difference but the way he went downhill so fast, I Would have probablynhad to take him right back to hospital and would have gone to a closer one and rhe would have started all over.....Don wouldn't have wanted that.
Comment by Dianne in Nevada 20 hours ago

Finding the right local group is difficult - I was unable to find anything local that worked for me, so I spent my time right here in Widowed Village and worked through things. Early on I spent lots of time in the chat room and developed some good friendships there. Found Brave Girls Club my second year and those online classes and their 'camp' really helped me find 'me' and some dear friends. Be open to the possibilities that are out there. Don't be afraid to try something. If it doesn't feel right, then leave. But then try something else.

Check to see if there's a Soaring Spirits Regional Group in your area - more will be added soon.  You can see a list by clicking HERE or by going to the Soaring Spirits web site:  http://www.soaringspirits.org/events/regional-events/  These groups hold informal social gatherings twice a month - with new friendships made, smiles and even laughter. Being with others who just 'get it' is so very helpful.

If there isn't a regional group close to you, check http://www.meetup.com/ to see if there is a widow/widower group in your area. Or maybe a book club group, or a hiking group or whatever your interest might be. Or take a class at the local college or through the parks & rec of your community. 

I know it's not easy to put yourself out there, to feel vulnerable when you walk in a room and don't know anyone. I've been there and it's hard and I've had to literally push myself out the door - but it's the only way to work through this change in our lives. 

 

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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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