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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Tom, my love, husband of 38 years, died suddenly at home of cardiac arrest 2 years ago today. 8/20/18 The future adventures we had planned, time for his bucket list, all gone. My mind and heart could tell this date was approaching for the past 2 weeks. Loss of sleep, weepy constantly, anxiety level elevated. It is amazing how strong some of the grief waves still erupt. Looking back at the last 2 years, it is amazing how many of our friends -that either immediately disappeared, or stepped away over time. No you cannot catch death of a spouse.  Also amazing are the  people who entered my life to become true friends during this dark time. Yesterday and today I have heard from my fellow widow friends, and other close female friends, all sending me their thoughts. 

As I write this I have his box of ashes here with me. I do talk to him all the time. I just wish he could answer, even just 1 time. I still have "first" things I have not been able to do. However, I have surprised myself of things I have done by myself. Last one, I used an electric chain saw to cut a small tree down. Scared me to do this, and how I stood to keep all my body away was funny. 

Grief is a very personal experience, and belongs entirely to the person experiencing it. So, for me, I have taken the time to re-read numerous articles I kept. I re-watched the grief youtube videos that really speak to me.  With covid I'm back to self isolating. Practicing self care now is somewhat difficult. The new normal I had established ended, except the yoga classes I attend. Staying home today.  I've cried silently in many classes, but most don't know my history. Self kindness, the understanding, accepting, and being compassionate to yourself I forgot. I just re-read this, and need to remember.

Grief is an overwhelming experience that changes how you cope while trying to live life as a widow. 

Hugs to all my fellow widow and widowers 


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Replies to This Discussion

Wishing you peace, one day at a time. 

I talk to my husband all the time. It helps. 

Take care of yourself today; your husband would want you to.



jlsrdh - I hope you got thru the day without too much waves of grief. Our loved ones would want us to be kind to ourselves as we contInue in the grief process. 
Take Care


Jlsrdh i hope you can find some peace...crying you can ease the for me! Your loved one is with you to help you in this difficult moments...a big hug Roxi

When my husband was ill a friend who is a nurse and a widow told me that after the funeral people would disappear. Our home had always had lots of people there so I didn't think it would happen. Boy, was she ever right! Everyone just vanished. It's been two and a half years since and it's like I fell off the face of the earth. I sometimes feel like I don't even exist, nobody comes by,calls, nothing.It's like I have a disease and they don't want to catch it.I'm so grateful for this site,it lets us all know that yes we do exist and that we are not alone. Seeing other's post's helps me to know that so many others share what I feel. Hang on to life and yourself.Take care and lots of love and a big hug to you.

You are right about the disappearing act. My husband died suddenly in March right as we went into shelter in place orders. At first I got condolences, but now nothing and my closest friends don't even call. I'm the first in my group to lose their spouse and I don't understand this behavior. I'm hurt and quite frankly at bit angry. I'm glad to find this site and hope to make some new friends here.

I think there are many reasons why people don't contact us - don't know what to say, afraid of hurting us, don't want to be reminded that they may experience this in the future, etc. Also we're drawn to people who have common interests, experiences, etc. But it doesn't really matter why because it won't change things.

I struggle communicating with and seeing people who haven't experienced this loss and are still a part of a couple. It hurts to see the couples we socialized with - it's a neon sign that Bob is not with me any longer. It even hurts to see a couple my age at the grocery store or walking down the street. I miss that companionship so much and it hurts to be reminded that I don't have it any more.

The people I'm most comfortable with are those who know how hard it is to go on alone and understand how I feel.

It's been a year and a half for me. Being active and busy is my antidote. The worst part now is the pandemic has taken that away.

I've found the same thing with people we used to know.  In most cases, just sudden radio silence after a few months.  Many were friends of my wife, and continuing to see/talk with me alone might be hard for them.  At this point (~7mos on), I don't even know if I want them to.  Being a third wheel with a couple isn't appealing to me now. 

A couple of months ago, I read "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck" by Mark Manson.  It's really about how to think about the things really worth caring about, and letting go of the things you can't really control anyway.  That some of our friends and family have gone radio silent seems like it comes under the latter heading.  As you said, "it really doesn't matter why because it won't change things". 

On the plus side, I have become very close to a single friend of my wife, which ironically wouldn't have happened absent the pandemic.  Pandemic notwithstanding, we're finding things (like walking) we enjoy doing together. 

All any of us can do is try to make the best of this crappy situation we find ourselves in.


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