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Today is my anniversary. The second since Tom died. Last year I was barely functioning, and his memorial service was 2 days after our anniversary. This would have been our 39th. So, I wrote something for him. This morning I picked up his ashes and read it to him. I also used the USDA Forest Service memorial donation plant a tree for 400 trees, saplings, to be planted in various forests across the US in honor of our anniversary. He loved the Sierras in Ca. I was able to look at our wedding album, and remember the happy day. We both looked so young. 

Today my message was

those special memories of you will always make me smile if only I could have you back for just a little while. Then we could sit and talk again just like we used to do my love for you meant so very much and your’s for me too. The fact that you’re no longer here will always cause me pain but you’re forever in my heart until we meet again.

today I received from a good friend, and fellow widow who is also just starting her second year, another great blog to read

bertramsblog.com. The five major challenges we face during the second year of grief. Great article, but she has numerous articles on grief. 

Hugs 

jlsrdh

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Replies to This Discussion

I share a sadiversary with a friend....same day, same year.  My anniversary is Sept. 21 and sadiversary is October 5.  Our 27th anniversary dinner was his last evening being coherent and the next day was his last conscious day.

The good news for you is that now that you have reached the end of the dreaded Year Two, things should start getting better.  By the end of year 3, "new normal" usually sets in.  

I have many wonderful memories of my husband, myself and our dog Bailey romping in the Eastern Sierras.  My husband died almost two years ago, my Bailey last month.  Yes, the second year is hard.  Thank you for the Forest Service info.  Shelley

Dear Shelley in the middle of the grief lose your wonderful dog is too much.!!..i am very sorry for you...hope you can find a way to overcome this... I have a female cat and she help me a lot to face the void in my heart and in my house...i am near  you with all my heart...a big hug stay strong roxi

Thank you, Roxi.  Losing my dog was much harder/sadder than I thought it would be.  She was an eleven-year-old Golden Retriever and I've never had a Golden live past 11.  And I'd had 'funny feelings' about her health for a few months.  So her diagnosis was not a complete surprise.  But moving forward without both John and Bailey-  much, much harder than I expected.  And when I was waiting for the final test results, confirmation that my Bailey didn't have much time, I found myself in that familiar place- the wishing/hoping/praying that it's not true, that a miracle would happen.  I'm sure that added to the grief.  

jlsrdh, what you wrote to your dear husband is so sweet.   Thank you for sharing with us.   Claire 

I really love what you wrote your husband. Mine passed away this August. 5 days before our 28th anniversary. I wasn’t in any state of mind to write something at that time but I’ve recently picked up a journal and have been writing him daily. I’m really scared to here many of you saying that the second year is as bad if not worse than year one. Right now it’s day to day for me. I’m already tired of this heavy feeling that envelopes me every day. Tears come randomly, a song, seeing his handwriting, mail addressed to him. I can’t imagine going through two years of this! Please tell me it will get better!

Jules, you are so early in the grief. I’m almost at 14 months. It took until month 9 before I was not a basket case. For me, it took reading and watching anything on death of a spouse. I did lots of journaling, here and in notebooks. I have had a lot of grief counseling, still go. It’s been over a year for it. I’m now in my bereavement counselors death of a spouse. I needed to be with other widows, so grief share was just not for me. Many people on this site told me over and over it would get better. Last year i did not see how that would be possible, but they were correct. I see the other widows in my group, they are at 3, 4, 8 years out. They all say it gets better. They all still dearly miss their husbands, but are living again. My grief counselor told me from the first that in grief, through research, weeks 6-8 are bad, but months 6-8 are just like when they first died. So, if you experience this, and I did you are not crazy. See the brain is a funny thing, it is protecting you now to not really allow you to fully feel the enormity of this tragedy. The months 6-8 are when that kicks in. I have 3 other friends, who are also widows. Last night one sent a text as yesterday was a bad day for her. A Phil Collins song on the radio. She is at 15 months. She said “it’s a long road isn’t it. The grief.”  I said, “I believe it’s forever, but we slowly manage to swim through this. Yep, as the article says on Grief bursts they  can last minutes, hours, or days. I do think it’s how theses waves flow. Unexpected and sudden. We cannot change what has happened, but we adapt to the new reality of life after loss of a spouse. We will slowly find a new path in life, just not a passion”.  

So, today in the car, on the freeway, my mind just wandering, thinking  about Tom I almost stared sobbing. So it still just erupts, and when it rises up you need to let it out. For me I cannot keep it contained, I’m a crier over anything. In group I cry the most, but I’m not alone with theses women. I hope this eases some doubt that this grief, sadness, despair, does soften. That’s what my counselor always says. It just takes time, and patience.  You have to go through the pain to come out the other side. You don’t get over the death of a spouse, you learn to go and move through it. 

hugs

jlsrdh

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