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Hello

My wife passed away in April. What would have been our 42nd anniversary is coming up next week. How did you deal with the first milestone of any kind after your partner’s passing?

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Outwest.....sorry for your loss....the first milestone can be hard...my husband passed last November 16th and our wedding anniversary is November 20th....I really struggled with that day....I tried to remember all the good times we had and watched the video of our wedding...it was really hard...I had family with me which helped....do what helps you get through it.....Monday was my husbands birthday....didn't know what to do at first but decided to go camping with some of our friends and share memories, toasted him with his favorite tequila and dessert around the campfire....it was hard at times but glad I wasn't alone.....I don't know if I helped you Take Care.....

Hi Outwest.  Just past what would have been our 39th at the end of May.  On the day, I tried to remember and be grateful for what we had, as opposed to what was lost.  The loss is still raw though.  It's hard.  There are no words.  

Outwest, my husband died suddenly without warning, so I was in shock during those first milestones.  But they were still very hard.  We'd been married 45 years.  I know your wife was ill before she passed, but you not being allowed to be with her has probably left you with some trauma too.  For me, the best way to get through the milestones is to just be alone with my thoughts and memories. I have no desire to be around anyone.  It's been 5 years for me, and it's still hard.  One thing I've found and others here also say, the days leading up to the milestone date are usually worse than the actual day.  I have found that to be true.  The worst for me was the date that would have been our 50th anniversary last August.

Others celebrate the dates with family and friends, some even have parties.  That's okay too.  It just depends on your personality and how much of a support group you have, I guess.

I know you've said you have no family, but maybe you have a close friend you could spend a quiet dinner with.  Talk about your wife and your memories.  

I think you'll figure out how you want to spend the day.  It will be hard, but you'll get through it.  We all do, and we'll all be here for you.  Take care.

Warm hugs to you,

Linda

Frankly, not very well.

The "Year of Firsts" is a real bear, outwest--especially the unexpected days, like summer holidays. (Yes, it does happen.)

Estragon's suggestion is excellent, and (having used it on occasion) I hope you will be able to do that--even a little--as you face the day. I wish you much strength as you work through this. Brohugs.

Outwest -Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing?

Thanks for checking. I did okay on our anniversary. I am not one who visits relatives in cemeteries but I did on that day. By luck of the calendar our wedding day is also my mom and my dad birthdays, so I visited their graves also.  As I was leaving my wife’s crypt the radio played the song my wife selected to played as we left the chapel at the conclusion of our wedding, a little surreal. ‘We only just begun’ probably played at thousands of weddings in the 70’s but she loved the song.  So it was better than I feared. Still have bad days but I guess most of us do. Take care, again thanks for asking.

Glad to read it went okay. And hearing that special song at that time- WOW! Some would say there's a message there...

Dear Outwest, I am recently new to this group and just reading your post.  I lost my husband 16 months ago and have survived all the 1st's.  For me, I took the advice of a dear friend who had survived the loss of her 18yo daughter, and did something totally different when I could.  If I couldn't do that, like traditional family holidays, my family helped me through. There was one I had to spend alone and it was tough, really tough. 4th of July 2019, 3 months in...it was our holiday to be together with family at our home.  That 1st, I spent at home alone.  This, the 2nd July 4th, I made sure a couple grandchildren were visiting.   They can certainly bring joy.  Believe it or not, my husband and I were married 45 years and our song was "We've only just begun".  We had know each other 49 years.  He was my bestfriend, my soulmate, the love of my life. I miss him terribly. I also want to say this to you,... I do not believe in coincidence...you were meant to be at the cemetery on that day, at that time and hear that song.  I hope it brought you comfort and assured you that you are not alone. Take care "Outwest", God will carry you when you can't walk, He will pick you up and hold you as long as you need.  Existing032119 

Existing032119

My wife was my best friend. It is so hard not having her in the house or out in the garden, especially with the COVID restriction keeping me more isolated. The past 14 years we were together most of the time since we were both retired.

The only family is my mother in law, she is 1200 miles away and a half sister who stopped communicating after my mom die in 2006 because she did not get the money to which she felt entitled. So loneliness tends to be an issue not easily solved. I have used the zoom calls to ease the loneliness, plus they have been some help. 
I recalled your July 4th story so I think we were on at least one zoom call together.

Take care 

Sorry, I am just seeing your response. I haven't been able  to get the site to work this past week.I haven't been on any zoom calls, but wonder if they might be helpful. Really sorry about your family situation. I hope you have some close friends you can spend time with.  I went back to work a few years ago and that keeps me connected to the outside world.   The days I don't work, it's hard for me to do anything but exist. I've never felt so alone in a world full of people. This is the first time in my entire life that I have been alone and it's not what I would choose.  You take care of yourself and keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Existing032119. -  Sorry for confusing someone else’s story for your, so many stories so many people feeling sad. I find the zoom calls can be helpful, because the Village try’s to help anyone sometimes the calls can be more ‘crowded’ of late. You can try one,  if you do not want to talk you can just listen. If it is not your cup of tea just drop out of the call. 
I still live in my hometown, the last 2 years a group of high school classmates have gotten together for a monthly lunch, of course with COVID those luncheons do not happen now.Hopefully they can restart before long.

I have taken to driving to the further store to do my shopping  in order to spend more time out of the house. Odd but it helps.

Take Care

I don't think it odd at all that you drive farther to be out of the house longer.  Being at home is a constant reminder that I am alone, but when I'm home I have to make myself take care of things.   That is why I keep working, so I don't completely disconnect. You do what it takes for you to keep going and if that means driving farther to be out of the house longer, do it.  We have to get through our loss the best way we can and it's different for each one of us.  You take care of yourself and keep moving forward. 

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