Does anyone else's life feel like Groundhog day? Just when you think you might have a decent day, WHAM! Once again the blues hit, and you are paralyzed? One month ago I was doing better, feeling better, actually getting a few things done around the property. I'm back to feeling numb and overwhelmed, just as I felt 3 months out, yet I know that being 6 months out isn't a long leap. It doesn't make any sense, and while I understand that grief is not linear, I was hoping it wouldn't make you go backwards.
Things aren't getting done- I keep shifting things from The List to next week's list, then it becomes next month's list. A nasty downward spiral, which seems in slow motion. The new flowers aren't going to plant themselves- the garage isn't going to clean itself- the laundry isn't going to wash itself......etc. The only thing I want to do is sleep. I have my first appointment with my Doc since Rick died, and I was thinking of going on an anti-depressant- maybe that would even things out a bit, but then that's shielding the grief. I know I don't want to be stuck in this forever, and that you need to let grief run it's course and acknowledge the pain when it comes. My new grief counselor even mentioned to NOT use anti-depressants, but at this point, feeling like I'm losing ground, maybe it's not a bad idea right now. I hate the thought of using drugs to modify my emotions. See? Even in this I can't make up my mind! It's so frustrating!
My new grief counselor gave the group several pages of physical, emotional and behavioral changes during grief. It was an eye-opener to see just how grief impacts your entire being- everything! Sadly, it only made me more depressed to see all those clinical symptoms in black and white.
On a happier note, I just found out that my widower pension from the UK has been granted so that is some good news- something positive.
Sorry to be sounding like poor pitiful me, it's just that I'm so tired of being tired and sad and not seeing any joy in my life right now.
Peace to All
Oh, Steph, So sorry to hear what a hard time you're having. I really, really understand. I was so proud of myself for getting through my husband's memorial on Saturday with grace and purpose. Then started slipping back into the sad, dark hole. Many things need to be done, can't do them. So tired in the morning, can barely see straight. Crying as soon as I wake up, sobbing by early afternoon, feel so empty inside. So extremely lonely. Almost didn't go to my weekly grief group last evening- I'm just so sad and so tired. Half way there I had to pull over because I couldn't remember where I was going. Took me a few minutes, it was actually kind of scary. Also considered anti-depressants. My therapist suggested an ativan prescription to help me sleep at night but I had an allergic/adverse reaction to it and am now hesitant to try anti-depressants. Congratulations on getting your pension. Glad you had some good news. Take care.
So sorry Steph and Shelly for your loss and joining the club none of us want to belong to. Please give yourself a pat on the back for making it this far. Steph you are not going backwards. Grief is not an easy path and we do learn how to do the cha cha during this process. One step forward, two back and so it goes. It is so difficult trying to navigate the new life we did not choose for ourselves. It's a whole new world as we also died along with our spouse. We are no longer the person we use to be and now we have to figure out who we are and what life is about. This takes time! LOTS of time. The first year is difficult to navigate and for some the 2nd is worse as I called it the reality year. I don't say this to scare you ad I know how confused I was. I actually making progress even though it didn't feel that way. Had no ambition and did not get much done around the house. It was just so difficult to have any motivation as I didn't know why I was still here and what the purpose of trying was. No anti-depressants though now looking back I do realize I was depressed. I did found WV and met many wonderful people who are now life time friends. We helped each other navigate the path. Chat was a big part of our life and maybe something to consider as you can open up to others who "get" you. Also I found a wonderful Grief Share Group who became life time friends also. We stayed together over 2 years. So there is some hope there as you make your way. I am now 7.5 years out and doing well though I still do have my days of missing and crying. Love never dies and even those who have found their 2nd chapter also have their days too. So please have some hope and take that teeny tiny step forward if that is all you can do. It is one second at a time and that's ok. You made that second and will make the next! Send peace and blessings to you and Shelly.
Death is devastating & difficult to make sense of as well as changes your life. Its a new normal with widow brain. The extremity of rawness in the first year is temporary, at the same time, its shock that is protecting you from the full force of loss. For some, the 2nd year is harder when shock has completely worn off, however, functioning is somewhat easier - writing to do lists can help w/temporary memory loss. I did have times when I'd forget to take my list, misplace it or simply pondered over it, but eventually it all worked out. Just temper down to be patient w/yourself ...
Grief is hard, however, the natural process will move you forward if not interfered with or distracted from as well as incorporating new coping skills & resolving issues as they pop up ...
Since grief can cause depression & your therapist has made an evaluation, you might want to consider using anti-depressants to take the edge off. Just know, that is all anti-depressants will do, the rest of grief is up to you ...
As sad & disturbing as it sounds, there are millions of grieving people around the world who are experiencing grief various symptoms. Validating it for myself through widow websites as well as having grief buddies made me feel not so alone & crazy as well as strengthened my commitment to finding peace. You are truly stronger than you think including everyone who is grieving ...
Oh yes, I’m on that same loop. Theee months on and some days it feels like the first day. Some days I can make plans for ‘next year’ and some days -like today- I can’t see how to make it through another hour. The tears just keep coming. I keep looking at the clock- it’s only 2oclock, then it’s 2.15....etc. I try to remember to breathe through pursed lips as if through a straw (it helps concentrate the mind on breathing).
Lists are good, it if they’re too long they can be overwhelming and send you right back to the duvet. I try writing down three things. Then when I do those, I write down three more. I just try to do what’s right in front me.