I've been thinking a lot lately. A lot. This has been a rotten few last weeks for me and I found myself whirling around in a downward spiral of self-pity and realization. Between a headstrong sister with advanced dementia, expensive dental work, plumbing issues, and an obscene bill for bloodwork despite having insurance, I am spent. I'm looking for my savior...and he is gone. Despite what you might think, and perhaps you have had different experiences, there are a good amount of people out there that are not interested in helping a widow. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about charity work, but I need to say there is a rampant indifference toward the plight of someone that desperately needs help. It cracks the middle of my heart and soul in two. A significant part of that disappointment also comes from those that really should care about my well-being, but I am not seeing it. It's easy to be put on the back burner, on autopilot.
I've not been solely responsible for my own existence...perhaps in my entire life. It is daunting. It is responsibility for your body, your mind, your surroundings, your finances, and your future. This is the elephant in the room. No one talks about beyond two years when the most acute grief, the flurry of things to be put in order, the responsiveness of friends have faded and you have to sort out who you are and take care of yourself without an instruction manual. Now it's me, all me, 24/7.
I don't want to melt into a bluthering idiot. It's not attractive and meltdown face is really unattractive. But I feel like unless I'm reduced to that, no one listens and all think everything is honky-dory. I am caught between frustration at this situation and an anger that comes out in sobbing tears, mostly to myself and my therapist.
Thank you for listening. I hope this resonates with others, though I am truly sorry for you if it does.
Hi LostandSad. Thank you for your reply. Yes, it's that often ignored struggle of suddenly being plunged into living from two incomes to one. It's the one frequently overlooked, underdiscussed fallout of losing our spouses. I have become a champion of seeking out ways to to engage in activities that cost very little. It has become a very dull life in comparison to when my husband was living, but I have no other choice.
And it is true, that everywhere you look there are those whose lives have the joy that we no longer have. Spouses, vacations, kisses and hugs that we can no longer have. I'm pretty sure that my friends that have been married for many years want to stear clear of me as I am a reminder of what one of them will eventually face.
I don't know if you believe in prayer, but it helps me. Especially at this time of year, which I see for you is a difficult time.
It helps me too to imagine that my husband still looks after me and will find solutions to my problems. At least I would like to think that.
Please hang in there.
The pain of seeing people who have what we no longer have is the worst -- and the most toxic. When my husband first died, I heard widows talk about how much they hated couples. Well, we live in a world of couples, don't we? Most of my friends were married; what was I going to do, start hating them? So how do we stop that searing pain, anger, and resentment? I'll tell you what I did, and don't laugh. I started watching "Say Yes To The Dress" on TLC. (I've posted about this before, for you long-timers.) This served two purposes -- it gave me something mindless to watch at a time when everything we used to watch together was too painful to deal with, and it forced me to see people being happy, being coupled, with their futures ahead of them. I watched a LOT of this, and it really did help desensitize me. Oh, it still hurts a bit when I see older couples walking hand in hand, or when I'm with my sister and brother-in-law and watch him live his entire life for the purpose of making her happy (even though it took her three tries to find him). But I've lost the resentment as acceptance came. I had 30 years with my husband. I never in a million years when I was young thought I'd ever meet anyone who wanted to be with me that I wanted. Why be greedy? I only wish I'd been able to find that gratitude when he was alive during those times when I felt I could not stand another day with him, especially now that I know that he couldn't help a lot of what he was doing; that he'd had at least one stroke that neither of us knew about.
I have been praying, constantly... I keep waiting for something half way good to happen. But nothing :( I know that God has a plan, and I'm supposed to be patient and wait...and and it'll come in his timing, if it comes at all? HUGS Tess and everyone else....