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I haven't seen this addressed.  My son and I ran into a neighbor who told us that another neighbor had died.  My son asked "how old was he?"

why does this bother me?.... I mean, is it okay if he was "old"? I'm also in agreement with those of you have been told......time to move on, he would want you to be happy etc. etc...... we try!!!!  But, there is no time limit on grief!  Even my family doesn't get it.  I remember a son stopped in  during the first six months.  I had the front blinds closed.  He came in accusing me of sitting in a dark house and not trying to get going!! I said that wasn't the case at all...the blinds are closed to keep the house cooler since it was over 100 degrees outside.  I don't even know if he believed me???

ok, going to go outside and plant three milkweed plants for the butterflies......birds, butterflies and my dog bring joy!

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I'm obsessed with the age of people when they die. I always have been.

For me, it kind of is okay if the person was old. Old age terrifies me far more than death, and when I hear an elderly person has died I think of it as a blessing. By "old" I mean 90's and older.

That's probably not what you wanted to hear, but I think it's a very common question.

They  ask  about  age  because  every person  ever  born  will  DIE  and  nearly  every  person   before  they  reach  the  century  mark  100 yr.  And  most people  have  greater  sympathy  if someone  dies  young  before  they've  lived  a  full , long life.  It's  NOT  to  say  the  grief  is  less  or  more  if  you  die  young or does  seem  less  fair for  the  one  who  dies  young  as  they  were  robbed  of  years of  living other  people are given. 

People  really  don't  do  well  talking  about  death  or  dying in  general.  And  all  the  stupid  comments  made  to  the  widows  and  widowers  should  just  be  ignored  because  the  vast  majority  have  no  idea  what  happens  when  you  grieve  the  death  of a spouse  or they  imagine  they  have  the  best  advice  to  share...which  is  essence is  only  opinion  based  on  nothing.     They  haven't  a  clue.   Peace  comes with  ignoring  or  forgiving  them  but  not  by  following  what  they  say.  Never  try  to  explain-that  only  starts  debate.  Wasted  energy.     Follow  your  heart.  Take  caré  of  yourself.

thanks for the kind and encouraging advice

Dear sadderbytheday,  My thought is that your son just didn't know how to respond at the moment.  It's pretty common for that question to come up.  When it's a young person, we respond with "He had so much life ahead of him" whereas with an older person, "At least he had a long life".  You don't say how long you have been a widow but I understand that death is a very close and sensitive topic to all of us here.  We grieve the one we lost and any news of someone's passing who we knew stirs thing up and brings it to the surface.  The scab gets ripped off often for us.  I also think our sensitivity is heightened.   I also hope your son understands in time that our journey is slow with many bumps in the road.  

Take care of yourself and I wish you peace.  By the way, I plant flowers for the bees.



dear suzan

grief is there. but the time is fading it off. struggled for a longtime, but i just notices that time is healing me. loneliness is the one that glows the memory. recently i tried to spend a great many time of mine with the grand kids and that gave me so much relief. but when away from them it was like the old times.and that brought me here again. thanking you for the comforting words.



I have to admit I have always had different feelings depending on the age of the person. When my best friend lost her battle with cancer at the young age of 35 I felt overwhelming sadness for her husband who was left with two boys under the age of 10 to raise alone. We had met in college. I was in her wedding and she was in mine. They had so many plans for the future which they both knew would never be fulfilled. I wept for what would never be. On the other hand, when one of our elderly ministers passed away I also felt extreme sadness for his widow. They were married for over 53 years and had grown old together. She later told me that one of her greatest consolations was knowing she would be joining him soon. When I wept for them I wept for what they had had. My husband and I had been together for 50 years when he passed in 2018. Many people commented on the fact that he had reached 71. Even I marveled at how we had started out at 20 and 22 and had weathered our 20s and 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s together. Still, I wanted more time with him and I'm sure if given the choice he would have wanted more too. I don't think the grief is any less but I think the age provides different perspectives. Neither is right or wrong. Also, don't be hard on your son. We had two sons and a daughter. At times each has said or did something which made me wonder, don't they understand how much I miss my husband? And then I stop and think. They loved their dad and I know they love me. They are trying to regain their balance too. They are not retired like I am. They don't have the "luxury" of being able to close the blinds (although I'm like you. I keep my blinds closed. When my daughter-in-law comes over the first thing she starts doing is opening the blinds. It used to bother me but she adored her father-in-law so it really doesn't bother me anymore. I look at it as her way of trying to cope .) We are in a unique family, that of being a widow or widower. Unless you are a member, I don't believe you will ever fully understand the depth of our pain and sorrow. So, I have chosen to cut people some slack and pray they don't become a member any time soon. Take care.


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