Hello, just an introduction here. My name is Jim, and I just joined this a few days ago. Not sure if it is my type of thing or not, but sometimes I just don’t know what to do. I lost my sweet Sue, on Sept. 20th, 2018 after she lost her two year fight with clear cell renal carcinoma. She was stage four at her diagnosis, and was told that this would take her life. She never once asked why me, but rather why not me. I don’t remember a time when we did not know each other. I try often to think how she would handle different things that come up or feelings that I get. She had a couple sisters who lived nearby, yet throughout her illness they very seldom would call to see about anything which really was not unusual for them, but I know that bothered her. Sue’s response to this sort of behavior was “I’m just not going to be like them”. And so she did the calling and arranging for get togethers. I always took that to mean that it is our choice to be how we are. Now I find these choices to be very hard. Mostly with a what for type of feeling. Although it’s been awhile for me, the last week or so has been so very difficult. I find myself just sitting and looking out the window, not doing much although in the past I have found it helps to try and stay busy. Around family and friends I always want to say things that would include something about Sue, it seems to me that in some weird way she, even for a moment, is still present with me. A lot of times this seems to get an awkward response. Sue loved Gems and minerals, vases, glassware etc. Our home is filled with these things, just about all of them hold a memory. I haven’t done much with any of her things, but did rearrange some dresser drawers quite awhile ago. As I emptied her socks and undies, I found myself just sitting on the floor and sobbing, wishing so much that I could help her into them again. Have done very little of that since. I joined a meetup group for a bit but it was not very near to me and felt it really wasn’t worth the effort, so I let that go. Something of a rambling introduction and as you can tell I have no focus, everything seems so pointless. I can’t envision any kind of end to this. Enough for now, maybe more another time.
all your feelings are soooo completely natural. Leonard died suddenly in his chair after a lovely afternoon together almost 8 years ago. Our daughter, his everything, was married in a purely magical ceremony on Saturday and it has rocked my world- even now. She chose to walk in solo, head held high, tall as her 5’4” will allow her to be and proud-“ just like daddy told me I could”. She also chose to walk in to the modern version of “when I Fall In Love” the song we used at our wedding. I was unaware of that decision until the first notes sounded. Someone, I have no idea who, had placed a yellow rose on my chair- his favorite flower. The music started as she appeared, I put my nose to the rose, and felt him there with me. I so desperately wanted to lean my head into his shoulder and tell him thank you! I’ve learned these past 8 years, if only people would say his name! What a gift, to be able to talk freely about them and our memories with them being around people who have been there is the best medicine! There are very few who have not experienced this loss truly get it. I hope you have the opportunity to attend Camp Widow perhaps in Tampa or San Diego. It is truly a game changer! Reach out and find your tribe- I wouldn’t have survived without mine.
For what it's worth, I'm glad you found us. Here, you are free to vent, share or just read posts. I am terribly sorry for your loss and the pain that is now what you have left. It's been 8 years for me and, although it gets better, not a day goes by without me thinking about and missing him. Do you have family or supportive friends nearby? It really helps to talk with someone. Thank you for sharing your story. I really felt your pain. Sending you a virtual hug.
Take care of yourself,
your story and response are very familiar to me. It will be 2 years for me December 16th and I still find myself wondering what I’m doing. Sad, lonely and heartbroken is where I am most of the time. This group has helped a lot. Just reading other peoples stories makes me feel less alone.
take care of yourself
We don't pass over some "magical threshold" when we hit the one-year mark, so please don't beat yourself up for feeling as you do. It's called "Grief" and you're still experiencing it. No apologies are necessary.
As others have said, I'm glad you found this web site. I hope you will continue to read and post. I'm also sorry you had to join us.
Dear Jim, Your post moved me in part because I am also 1 year & 1 month past my husband's passing. I thought after a year of awful "firsts" I would start feeling happier and crying less but this is not how it's worked out for me. I am grieving as much as ever but the times in between the crying I believe are more peaceful. I've now heard from many other widow/ers that it is not unusual at all to still be in heavy grief into the 2nd year, so I think you & I are not at all abnormal; I hope knowing this makes me & you more patient and tolerant of our continued grief which definitely has a mind of its own. I still have most of my husband's things all over the house too. That feeling that you have, that everything is pointless and meaningless without your beloved, probably goes beyond grief & indicates depression. I had exactly the same feeling last month & sometimes now too; I got on an antidepressant & it helped those feelings lot although it didn't totally erase them. I too sometimes just sit in one place, watching TV or otherwise letting hours of time go by without getting up (like today I was still sitting in front of the TV at 4 pm with my lunch plate in front of me....I hope you will continue to check in here - the people on the site are so supportive & always have a story that lets you know you are not alone. People who have never lost a beloved spouse don't really understand just how devastating it is, but people here totally get it & are going through the same. I'm sending you hugs and hoping that the next months bring you more moments of peace!