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I had to take one of my dogs into the vet today.  We have been going to this vet for years and know everyone there.  My husband always went with me when I took the dogs.  Since he passed away in March, I've only been there once and did not mention his death.  They knew he was having health issues though. 

When I was paying the bill, the one woman said she just saw the note in the records that my husband had passed away.  I guess my vet knew but probably didn't know what to say.  He always used to tease her about how we were contributing to her retirement plan with all of the dogs that we had.  Anyway, I didn't totally fall apart explaining all of what happened, but came close.  On  the way home, it all seemed to hit all over again.

A lot of it is anger that he had to go thru what he did.  Plus, I feel that the doctors let him down in several instances.  I don't know why they didn't suspect that his shoulder pain was caused by lung cancer that had spread.  They suspected lung cancer because of a couple of small nodules.  They were watching the nodules by CT scans every 3 months last year.  He would not agree to a biopsy because they said they couldn't operate because of his emphysema and also because they said his lung could collapse during the procedure.  He was going for pulm therapy 3 or 4 times a week and was actually feeling really good - except for the shoulder pain.  They dx'd it as rotator cuff injury.  By the time they finally did an MRI, it was really too late.  He had 2 chemo treatments, ending up in ICU after the 1st one due to blood clots in his leg.  Even though he complained about pain in his leg before the chemo, they did it anyway and never told us about the possibility of blood clots. 

There were other things that happened while he was in the hospital that just weren't right.  I try to not keep going over it, but today, it's just all coming back.  His bday is 2 weeks from today, and I know that isn't helping.

I just needed to vent somewhere so came here.  Hated to call either of my sons because they're both working.  A friend is going thru cancer treatment with her mom, so didn't want to call her.  My SIL just lost her sister to lung cancer, so didn't want to call her.  And my good friend lost her husband last October and is struggling too.

Somehow, I guess we just have to get thru days like this.

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Replies to This Discussion

@Mary     This is the right place to come and vent.  I am now past 5 years, so not so many melt downs now, but there was a time.......  when it happened what seemed daily.

   When I was young and someone died I had no idea what to say, or what their loved ones were going through.

Sending hugs.

Thanks, Gary's wife.  It is one of those things that you really don't totally understand until you go thru it.  I know I sure didn't.

Mary

Mary,

((Hugs)).

You did the right thing by posting.

John

John,

I've spent hours and hours reading posts here and it does seem to be one of very few places where I feel I can say what I'm feeling without worrying.  Even though we all have different experiences, I think, for the most part, we understand each other.

For some reason, I feel like there's a black cloud hanging over me and my pets right now.  In the last couple of weeks, we found a lump on one dog that we think is benign but have to keep an eye on.  Then, out of nowhere, one of my other dogs suddenly couldn't walk and a few days later had a seizure.  After testing, we found out she has myasthenia gravis, which is fairly rare.  Now today, I took my cat to get bloodwork done so he could be put under for grooming (he's not very cooperative with grooming) and found out he might have lymphoma.

Dealing with all of this alone is so hard.  Twice, I've had to take the one dog to the ER, which is about 45 minutes away.  In the past, my husband would be driving us there while I held the dog.  This time, the dog was in a crate and very quiet, and I worried the whole time that she had passed away while I was driving there.

You don't realize until you lose your spouse or partner how much it means to have someone to go thru things like this with. 

Mary

I hear you with the pets. We had four rescue cats, and I took care of them until each got sick and had to be put down--the last one just a year ago. Each time that happened, I felt I lost another connection with Judith. On the bright side, the longest-lived cat was 19, so at least I was a somewhat capable pet parent during the years after my wife died. Hugs for your current difficulties too.

Sounds like you took wonderful care of them.  I know it was probably difficult, with the connection with your wife.  I'm sure she would have been proud of you!

I know for me, some days it's hard to take care of everyone here - 4 dogs and 1 cat - and that's when everyone is healthy.  I get stressed when the health issues arise, so then things become even harder.  But you do what you have to do.

Thanks for the support!

Mary

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