Born in the 50s

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Comment by Stumbling (Susan) on July 14, 2012 at 12:21pm

Dianne, there were days when I wish I had.  Then the pain and the continual ache would end.  I haven't been right since the anniversary of his death.

Comment by grace28 on July 14, 2012 at 12:02pm

There are things that make me weepy, that I know I should do! Like having dinner with my Husbands' friends from work.  They do invite me and I think, he would want me to go but it makes me cry. Oh well, now I've cried all week about dinner tomorrow night at the shore and I'm actually starting to look forward to it. Gotta get these "firsts" done.

Comment by Diane on July 14, 2012 at 11:30am

Tiffany..that is some good advice...to go looking for joy.  There is plenty around if I open my eyes to it.  The easiest source is my 7 mo grandson.  I have also been feeling that despair is a choice I have to be conscious not to choose.  There is ALWAYS some kind of hope to grasp onto....I didn't die with my beloved.

Comment by lovie on July 14, 2012 at 10:36am

To Suz, Poppy's Girl, Diane, Marsha and Grace 28...I am so very sorry that you are having the "stuck in grief" feelings.  Wannabmartha had some great advice for you all. It would be heavenly if we had the magical words to help each other overcome this difficult readjustment to a life after the deaths our our husbands. But Time, not Words, is all that can really help. Words can soothe and comfort, but Time does ease our pain and help our soul to heal enough that we can plan for the future we lost and need to regain. Diane, the "calm, contented, smarter and more mature demeanor" you mentioned is so appropriate to describe where I am at 34 months. And I am OK to stay here FOR A WHILE. But to get here meant going through the intense pain, numbness, confusion, exhaustion, questioning, waves, etc. All were visitors but none were welcome to stay. Joy and interest start to return bit by bit. But we must look for it, not simply desire it. Recognize the small joys you feel even if they do not linger. Search out for them; don't wait for them to come to you. I am not sure of your ages, but I am making 60 this year...too old to start completely over, but not old enough to simply be compalcent where I am today.  I do not think grief ever totally leaves us, but I will be happy if it simply becomes dormant in me and pokes its ugly head out only once in a while. And as we heal and grow stronger, I think we will be able to deal with that ugly dragon when occasions arise that causes its ugly head to poke out. Floundering in each stage of grief can be good sometimes. Give yourself TIME to get the resolve and strength to move forward toward the joy. I NEVER thought that I would have felt this way in September of 2009 when I suffered the loss of my husband and soulmate after 40 years together. But I am witness that all things are possible when we have belief. God has been my pilot and I wish all of you, whomever your pilot is, a Godspeed journey to a future of joy and purpose. I am not completely where I want to be today, but I have come along way since tht dreaded night in September! Take care and blessings to you all.  Tiffany

Comment by bogie77 (Donna) on July 14, 2012 at 10:28am

As I try to get back into life, I have friends who keep telling me that I need more joy in my life.  I've taken that advice to heart. 

Grace, I love your comments about figuring out what causes joy and what causes you to be weepy (funny . . . weepy is exactly the word I use for those tough days.).  I think it's so important to find joy in our lives, especially now.  And that means figuring out what brings us joy and what brings us down.  Embrace the joyful things and decide how best to handle those things that bring us down. Even if it means just avoiding them.  We need as much joy as we can handle!

Donna

Comment by Suz on July 14, 2012 at 9:22am

This feeling of floundering, confusion, being lost is astounding.  It can overtake me sometimes.  Was just being married my old goal?  Sometimes I feel like it must have been.  I have been giving thought to re-creating myself over the past year (DH died July 2010).  More and more thought over the last three months as the most oppressive grief feelings have been lifting.  I have made decisions, filled this coming school year with a graduate course, volunteer work and work.  I garden, have theater plans with my neighbor, committed to a 2-year spiritual deepening course at my church, and fully engaging in my 11 year old's education and activities which takes initiative on my part because she is developmentally disabled.  All that stuff would have made me incredibly happy in the old days.  To be able -- financially, physically, educationally, etc. -- and to have the time to pursue each activity would have been very fulfilling.  Right now, I am doing it because I can and because opportunities have presented themselves.  I am not miserable every day, but I am not joyful either.  I am looking at this as a step -- hopefully a very transitional step.  Maybe I have to re-create myself and set out my days and months long before I can derive any joy from doing so.  Sort of "fake it until you make it" although truth be told, I am not expecting joy anytime soon.  Oy, no resolution here.

Suz

Comment by Diane on July 14, 2012 at 9:19am

I think I am empty...all the plans and my identity sort of disappeared with the death of my husband of 38+ years...now, as grace's 13 yo granddaughter knows, I have to create new plans and rediscover who I am.  It sucks, but it is what it is.

I notice a calm, contented, smarter and more mature demeanor about some widows I know.  Like always, it's the journey, not the destination.  Hardest thing I have ever had to face but I think we need to just take it one small bit at a time.

Comment by grace28 on July 14, 2012 at 8:14am

Marsha, I feel the same , sort of floundering . Hoping to get some joy back . Yesterday, I picked up by 13yr old granddaughter to go to the beach. She has a sign in her room that says You don't find yourself, you have to create yourself!". I am thinking about that a lot right now. Also, making mental notes of what makes me feel better; gardening, golf, reading, dining out with friends, etc., and what makes me weepy, trying now to put together a day to day plan. Maybe a job. retired 2 yrs ago. 

Comment by Marsha on July 14, 2012 at 8:03am

Poppy Girl I feel the same way. Empty. Wondering if joy will ever come back into my life. Wondering where I belong. So many questions and on the journey to find answers. Will be visiting daughter and granddaughters very soon. Hope I can get some direction of where I may be headed and where I belong. Think down is part of this journey. Hoping for "up" soon. (((((Hugs)))))

Comment by wannabmartha on July 14, 2012 at 1:08am

Oh how I understand sad! I don't think we can avoid it, unfortunately! I wish that I could take your pain away but I just can't and I'm so sorry about that. I found myself reading the stories of those who suffered more than me and realized that I wasn't the only one. Not only that, I realized that I didn't want to stay in that sad place. I've come to understand that God has a plan for me and the rest of my family to comfort those who've gone through something similar. I wish I could change the situation but given what's been dealt I'd like to make the best of it. This may sound overly rosey to you but know that I have days that feel extremely sad and dark. Those feelings eventually turn to light when I remember the promises of God. Take care!

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