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Born in the 50s

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Comment by Tink on March 12, 2016 at 9:40am

Ohhh, so true...I miss those hugs so much too! It is hard for me to remember while he was alive when was the last time he was able to tell me he loved me or to hug me. His disease slowly robbed him of his ability to be able to do anything. While some people are able to find a new normal....I do not believe that anything will be normal for me ever again. Maybe that will change? So for now, I am setting  my mind on finding a new path for me....that makes it a bit easier to accept.

Comment by irishlady (jan) on March 12, 2016 at 8:48am

Marilyn.... One of the things I miss most too is my husbands big bear hugs. One hug and the world was right again. Thank God I have sons to continue giving me hugs even if they are not the same. 3 years next month for me. tough time of the year.....

Comment by Marilyn on March 12, 2016 at 8:25am

Dear Tink and Slick, thank you for your kind words of support. I keep thinking that I should be back to 'normal' by now.  I used to tell my husband that we have a new normal.  I guess I need to apply that to myself now.  Thanks for the hugs.  That is one of the things I miss so much, his hugs.  Yes, Slick, my faith is what truly sustains me. Hugs back to you both and to all here.

Comment by Tink on March 12, 2016 at 7:05am

Marilyn, I know how you feel. It is just 2 yrs and 4 months since I lost my husband. Little things are triggers...a song, seeing the birds he loved in the yard.. and all of a sudden it feels like he just passed away yesterday again. I do not like having to take care of the car, that was his job! The other day I went to the shop for an oil change and when I walked in one of his favorite songs was playing. That almost sent me into tears, but I had to pull it together or the men there might have thought they were dealing with a crazy lady. Now today, that memory makes me many ups and downs. I do need to work for 4 more I have that to keep me busy. At this point that is the only place I still have my focus. But I look forward to being able to retire then to at least do something else I enjoy. And I think at times we just need to be able to ramble... to then be able to pick ourselves up and keep moving. Hugs to you.

Comment by Marilyn on March 11, 2016 at 2:20pm

Just when I think I'm doing better, less foggy brain and can make decisions, I seem to have a set back. Nothing I can put my finger on but making decisions become so hard.  Pushing forward in my responsibilities with my business is harder.  I set up my business for us both to work on when he retired.  That was six months of bliss. Then his surgery, seven up and down months and his death in 2014.  It will be 2 years in April.  I decided from the start not to make 2 major decisions in the first year.  Sell the house and the business.  I thought I would have to do both if something happened to my sweetheart.  I didn't have to worry about it.  Now two years out and I'm having a hard time dealing with the full weight of being solely responsible for this business.  At least with him here I felt we shared that weight.  Now it's all on me. I don't depend on the business for the money.  I could squeek by on his retirement and social security.  But if I didn't have it to do I know I would have stayed in bed.  Why get up?  There would have been no reason to get out of bed.  My business has kept me going.  I did hire a friend to work with me.  That has helped a lot! I'm rambling.  Thanks for this place of healing where I know we share a lot of the same pain and grief.  ((HUGS)) and peace to you all.

Comment by Seashell on March 4, 2016 at 7:13am

Highs, lows, mountains, valleys. It seems as though it is a constant roller coaster that I am on. I grew up near the ocean and I have a tendency to look at life as the ebb and flow of the ocean waves. Recently, I have felt that I have been wrapped in some sort of cocoon. Changes occurring all around me. My daughters, friend, co-workers - all creating change - and movement. I realized that this movement was going to bring about change in me. These were going to be my catalyst to move me forward. Maybe not today - or tomorrow - but sometime in the future. My love to you all.

Comment by lizbeth4 on March 4, 2016 at 4:57am

It has been awhile since I have posted here    It will be 3 years soon since my Husband's death    I have more good days than bad.   I try to be positive everyday.   There are times where I miss him so much.   I have met new friends here in the small town I live in.   I also reconnected with a friend from the past   I live for today as we don't know what tomorrow brings    I hope everyone can find peace.  

Comment by SweetMelissa on March 3, 2016 at 8:40pm

Wow Carolina!

Did my reply give the impression I was shouting? Or did it seem like a counterattack -tit for tat using my own past encounter w/PTSD? TMI? I'm not sure where you're coming from -how you interpreted my reply. I'm truly perplexed w/a need for understanding. My intention was to plainly state the symptoms to avoid sympathy, regret or pity from anyone. It happened, its over. I wouldn't change a thing -everything I learned from it I'm grateful for on a daily basis.

The other is I'm certain not all are aware of PTSD or its symptoms or the extremities it can develop into left untreated, most importantly, after a second trauma. Its persistent invasive thoughts cannot be controlled nor does it allow for a day of reprieval such as with grief. As w/the new information I've added here, its just about putting information out there for the masses if they want to know about it -nothing more.

However, you are absolutely correct in that it is easy for someone to say pretty words who haven't experienced grief as well as a disorder simultaneously.

Many years ago I did take comfort w/kind words, sympathy & regret. At this juncture of no longer grieving I prefer to be addressed in an ordinary matter, its where I'm at now. I only think of my grief experience when I come here so as to relate in providing the best suited reply I can give. I don't always hit the mark, but I do try. 

Let me know what you were thinking that prompted your reply ...


Comment by SweetMelissa on March 3, 2016 at 3:58pm

Part of it is doing it all over & over & over. Reminding yourself of what you've learned even if its on a daily basis till it comes to mind automatically.

The self confidence I'm talking about goes beyond doing things on your own. I developed PTSD from a childhood trauma, it was compounded by DH's death since I had never been treated. The severity of my PTSD escalated to having bouts w/checking out from reality, eyes rolling back, freezing, violent shaking, continuous anxiety attacks, extreme fear of men walking near or behind me, sudden screaming beyond the norm of grief, inability to talk, fear carried in neck & shoulders I wore a collar for to prevent strain. Five years ago I was headed to a monthly court proceedings. I was surrounded by men at a crosswalk, I checked out from the trauma began walking into oncoming traffic. I was saved, however when the men grabbed me their touch brought me back to have me screaming in terror. I bolted for the parking garage running for my life.

I was treated with EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) to relieve trauma to make it possible to grieve normally. I also added massage & acupuncture before each session to help get the EMDR started. It could be your counselor is not a licenced EMDR practitioner or could be s/he does not believe it is necessary. The only sure way of knowing is in asking.

Comment by SweetMelissa on March 3, 2016 at 1:00pm
Hi Slick,
In reading all these replies it sent me back to reflect on those days of misery & uncertainty. I filled my time w/many activities in the hopes there would be one that provided direction & an interest I could stick to. I also had days I'd sit for hours just thinking & thinking ... of ways to unravel the mystery of grief. Activities brought temporary reprieves, but it always lead me back to knowing no matter where I went or what I did grief was still my companion.
One day while in therapy, I started thinking about my therapist's job. I began to question in my head what exactly he was trying to provide for me. The quizzical expression on my face lead him to ask what was on my mind. I flat out asked what he was suppose to be doing for me & its purpose. Mark's treatment plan was to first establish trust, provide a safe environment, an interest in my issues as well as garner a feeling of importance &/or caring. From his explanation, I gathered the reason for the steps he took were due to low or lack of self esteem caused by grief. Apparently, when the light went on my eyes illuminated -he knew then I had my answers. Later on, to improve my widow brain memory & lack of concentration I worked on 1000pc jigzaw puzzles (easiest of all), word search & word puzzles. My first basic need was to improve my self value/esteem to like myself eventually love me rather than tolerate who I had become w/disdain; 2.) Improve my memory & concentration. There are more, but this is where I started w/the others falling into place when the time came. There are many steps in between that naturally occur -insignificant yet significant, that can lead to either good results or the next step or both. There is no A to Z; it includes everything in between that for me I wasn't aware were happening at the time. Most of what I came to realze, to see was after my grief ended. It made it easier in preventing me from examining all my actions as well as over thinking them.  Remember, start with one & continue on till you're ready to add one more, try to avoid more than 2 tasks at one time or rushing through them. I worked on self value for over a year, then I added puzzle work, again, I did that one for over year, then added another. Its not about comparing your progress to that of anyone else -try not to think of the length of time you need to process your grief -it might make for back sliding as well as recrimination.
Anyhoo, when I gained confidence, passion for life started to develop in my heart. Again, no A-Z quick fix. As much as I have always loved my kids & DH dead or alive, there was only me who ignite a love for life as well as find all my answers as well understanding death, the grief process/the need for its length, etc. 
You'll get there, just try as often as possible to be gentle, patient & caring w/yourself even if you have to do it sitting in chair looking out a window or like myself laying on the floor spread eagle staring up at the ceiling till I began imagining funny images -sort of like looking at clouds. 

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