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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

Problems with moving

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Comment by Maggie on April 1, 2017 at 11:22am
I can relate to these comments about husbands coming back. It's been almost four years for me. I've move to a new state in a home that I picked and decorated all myself. I have new friends and hobbies and am feeling I am finding the person I always was. My husband I loved dearly, but he was not the easiest man to live with at times. He could be critical, overbearing and controlling and it got worse with retirement. He had his own self confidence issues. So when I fantasize about this, I would welcome him back IF, he became sweeter, less controlling and loved the new place I now live in. Sweet dreams indeed. So I too, love my freedom now and not having to run every decision by someone else. I realize the price paid for this is loneliness and a longing for better times and happiness we once had. This pain can come at you out of the blue.
Comment by Athena53 on April 1, 2017 at 9:43am

I have some of the same feelings.  I had the guilty though the other day that if DH suddenly reappeared as he was in his last few months- weak, prone to falls, couldn't drive safely, losing his ability to deal with technology, etc. my first thought would be, "Darn, I'll have to make major changes in my new life so I can take care of him".  If healthy DH appeared that would be different and I'd catch him up on all the news and we'd start planning our next trip.  Right now, though, I'm truly enjoying my freedom. 

Comment by Susan on March 31, 2017 at 5:21pm


    Every so often I feel like I need to get home before Paul does, so I can fix dinner etc. etc.  I too read a lot!!!  Sometimes I get caught up in a story and forget to book down. Now I really don't have to worry too much about how much time I spend reading or quilting.


Comment by solamente mio on March 31, 2017 at 4:17pm

Seashell -  I read your comment earlier and I could identify.  I also miss my husband and the day to day that was our life. but yes, as you , I've  grown used to the empty spaces where he was- the whole bed shared with the 2 dogs, the different night schedule- because as its said- it is what it is. Being 15 months out on this journey, grief is different.  its quieter then in the early days, and isn't as visible, but is always dwelling.  I'll acknowledge it on those days when after a prolonged period of staying busy, busy , busy, I'll find myself just stopping and saying, I'm just so tired , the fatigue of quiet grief. I might pass by a picture and make a snarky comment like " tell me again why you decided to leave" even though I know it wasn't a choice but....  I now remember why I'm getting the tattoo with the Chinese symbol for courage; it takes courage for those of us in this "club" to travel this journey while carrying the grief and learning our way in this new life

Comment by Seashell on March 31, 2017 at 11:34am

So true! I do miss my husband greatly but I have grown accustomed to having the whole bed to myself. On the weekends I can go to bed as late as I want and get up as late as I want. One time I even spent 4 hours at Barnes and Noble and forgot about the time. How I laughed when I thought that I had told my husband many times that he will always be able to find me in a bookstore. My dreams of my husband consist of his being a shadow next to me - close by - reminding me that although his physical body is dead he is still very much alive. How little we know of the spirit world.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on March 31, 2017 at 8:19am

Funny (sort of) story:  Last night I dreamt that my husband came back to life and I sent him to go see a comic book movie while I worked out the details of how to re-integrate him into the world of the living.  First he would have to get used to living in a new house.  I thought he would like the new sectional and the cozy barrel chair I put in the TV room.  But the thought that overrode everything was "I have to get him a new phone."  Of all the things he would need, a phone was first on my list.  That is how dependent we are on technology!!  Then I thought that we would have to buy another car, since with two of us, we would need two. Since I still have a pair of his jeans, some T-shirts and sweaters, a few button-down shirts and a blazer, I thought I'd have to pick up some underwear and socks and the rest could tide him over till we could do real clothes shopping.  

We always talk about how we wish they could come back, but the thing in this dream was that I was happy he was back, but I also felt that his return was going to add new complications to my life, given that I've made friends and have a new social life.  To be truthful, I was kind of ambivalent about it, only because I have become as accustomed to this new life as I was to the one I had when he was here.

Comment by Athena53 on March 28, 2017 at 2:52pm

I know what you mean- the "W" word makes me think I ought to be dressing in black like Queen Victoria and shunning any frivolous social gatherings.  I married for the first time at 31 and was divorced for 6 years before I married DH so I've got some experience being single but this time DS is out of the house and I'm retired- so very little structure except what I impose.  

My upcoming travel is going to be very weird.  I did fine with a 2,500-mile road trip to the Carolinas over 9 days to visit family, but in a couple of weeks I leave for Central America.  One week of it is a cruise so I'll be with other humans, but this will be my first time out of the country without DH either by my side, or waiting to pick me up and hear all my stories when I get home.  Iceland after that in August- we were there together in 2015 and it was one of our best trips.  This time I'm returning with some of his ashes. 

I'm fortunate in that I had a wide network of friends and acquaintances unrelated to my marriage, even though DH was my best friend.  Almost 4 months after his death, I don't lack for things to do and opportunities to get together- but it's not the same.

Comment by TupTin on March 28, 2017 at 12:54pm

Hello, do not know what I am. Single,-haven't been since I was 15yo, Hate the "W". Still figuring out what what I am.

Comment by irishlady on March 19, 2017 at 11:22am

Maybe we should all carry  lists with what we need help with and when someone asks if you need anything call me or let me know, hand them the list and say pick one then cross it off. LOL But wouldn't work as most would say,I'll get to it as soon as possible which is about the same as let's do lunch sometime.

Comment by Susan on March 19, 2017 at 10:37am


   That would be better... They would speaking in PRESENT TIME... Not the future.



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