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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum


Started by CarolinaHeart. Last reply by Averysmom Jul 20. 67 Replies


Started by Dianne in Nevada. Last reply by NoLongerInBergenJC Jul 8. 105 Replies

in-laws of deceased husband

Started by Prissy. Last reply by TxDD Jul 7. 5 Replies


Started by Dianne in Nevada. Last reply by Seashell Jun 21. 12 Replies

Retire? Or Not?

Started by Pointbass. Last reply by Susan Apr 8. 22 Replies

Comment Wall


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Comment by Seashell on April 3, 2017 at 10:53am

When Jerry would be underfoot for the hundredth time and I was thoroughly exasperated with him I would tell him "do you know why God gives women an extra 10 years?"... I can see him smiling now and saying "and you thought it would be so easy..." 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 3, 2017 at 7:36am


That's how it's done. It's a back & forth motion that ends when the process of letting go of the cathexis is completed. The overbearing emotions need to be released whenever possible as often as possible. I was still picking at myself as if grief was a scab when I was 8 years out to make sure it was an actual scar that held no residual grief. At almost 10yrs out, grief is a memory like one that is so distant I find it difficult to believe it was actually me doing it. What I do have left are sweet loving memories of Bob-O & a time that was. 

Comment by Susan on April 2, 2017 at 4:40pm

Sweet Melissa,

   When i think I'm doing O.K. , Something happens to trigger tears. Like tonight... In planted 2 lilac bushes in the back yard. Came in the house and watched the Tribute to my husband that the funeral home made for me. I cried like baby. But after I cry. i feel better. 


Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 1, 2017 at 9:44pm

Sounds like many you are going through the process of letting go as well as being okay w/it ...

Most all of grief is about "you"; what you think, how you feel, learning to make decisions for yourself, caring for you, comparing the new self to the old self, etc ...

These changes do feel foreign, however, they allow you to know the grief process is healing you albeit slowly ...

Comment by WithoutJim on April 1, 2017 at 4:36pm

After making comments about not missing negative aspects of our life together (e.g. troublesome stepkids), I quickly say: "But I'd take him back in a heartbeat!" But I've started wondering whether I still truly feel that way. I have so enjoyed taking care of my little granddaughter since she was born 21 months ago. I could not have done so if Jim were still here -- for so many different reasons. I also don't miss having to attend so many events related to groups that he belonged to. Yet, I do think that I would take him back in a heartbeat because that spark of love that connected us from day one till his last breath through such incredibly good times and bad times would viscerally shout yes before my more rational mind would have a chance to say: "wait a minute, let's think about this." Because rationally I am beginning to understand that in a sense I deserve to have this me-time when I get to do exactly what I want to do and not do the things that I do not want to do. Maybe this is why women have lived longer than men. So that women could have time after all the time that they were in service to others. Sorry -- just my brain rattling aloud trying to make sense of this new world of mine called widowhood. 

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on April 1, 2017 at 3:43pm

@Athena and Maggie:  Yep, yep, yep.  At this point, to be honest, I would NOT want my husband to come back if he were still with bladder cancer and moyamoya and not appreciating me and depressed about not working.  I keep thinking that if he were to come back having resolved all his issues on the other side, and be capable of being healthy in retirement and more importantly, happy in retirement, that would be one thing.  Like Sissy, I feel guilty about having these feelings too.  

Comment by Susan on April 1, 2017 at 2:59pm

Maggie & Athena,

    I have these feelings, then I feel guilty for having them... I hate that feeling of guilt.


Comment by Maggie on April 1, 2017 at 11:22am
I can relate to these comments about husbands coming back. It's been almost four years for me. I've move to a new state in a home that I picked and decorated all myself. I have new friends and hobbies and am feeling I am finding the person I always was. My husband I loved dearly, but he was not the easiest man to live with at times. He could be critical, overbearing and controlling and it got worse with retirement. He had his own self confidence issues. So when I fantasize about this, I would welcome him back IF, he became sweeter, less controlling and loved the new place I now live in. Sweet dreams indeed. So I too, love my freedom now and not having to run every decision by someone else. I realize the price paid for this is loneliness and a longing for better times and happiness we once had. This pain can come at you out of the blue.
Comment by Athena53 on April 1, 2017 at 9:43am

I have some of the same feelings.  I had the guilty though the other day that if DH suddenly reappeared as he was in his last few months- weak, prone to falls, couldn't drive safely, losing his ability to deal with technology, etc. my first thought would be, "Darn, I'll have to make major changes in my new life so I can take care of him".  If healthy DH appeared that would be different and I'd catch him up on all the news and we'd start planning our next trip.  Right now, though, I'm truly enjoying my freedom. 

Comment by Susan on March 31, 2017 at 5:21pm


    Every so often I feel like I need to get home before Paul does, so I can fix dinner etc. etc.  I too read a lot!!!  Sometimes I get caught up in a story and forget to book down. Now I really don't have to worry too much about how much time I spend reading or quilting.



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