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Born in the 50s

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Comment by Strono1 on April 3, 2017 at 3:20pm

Dear Heartbroken Spirit,

I am so sorry that you have had so much loss. Grief is like a game of Chutes and Ladders. You make a little progress up the ladder,and then back down the chute to start all over. It has been 5 years for me since I lost my dad and husband two weeks apart. My mom died 3 years before them and they all died on Fridays. I am glad you have support from family and friends. That is so important. I also am blessed with amazing family and friends. By all accounts people think I am doing well five years later and for the most part I am but at the end of the day I am still without my husband and I still miss our life together so very much.

I did all the research I could about grief. I read many books. I even wrote a book about grief because I felt so many people in our society do not know how to respond to grief and that can be hurtful for us grievers. You can check out my Facebook page Please Bring Soup to learn about my book and also take a look at the articles I post. I am getting good feedback. I believe it helps to connect with stories about grief that accurately describe the pain we feel.

Hoping you are finding some moments of peace.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on April 3, 2017 at 2:21pm

@Seashell:  Oh yes, me too.  I used to refer to my husband as "The Bathrobe" because when he was out of work, if the weather was cold, he would walk around all day in his navy blue velour bathrobe (he always had one, when one would wear out, we'd get him another one).  He was fully dressed, but instead of putting on a sweater he'd put on a bathrobe, and it would make me nuts, because to me being around the house in anything smacking of nightclothes all day = depression.  I work from home now, and every morning I shower and get dressed, because otherwise I feel like I am a depressed person even though I'm not.  I used to say my goal in life was to outlive my husband.  A lot of that was because he was clueless about the logistics of life, but some of it was that I desperately needed some time alone in my house and so rarely got it because he had no friends to hang out with.

I think we all feel that way sometimes if we are honest with ourselves.  A friend says she has been angry since her husband retired and while I think "You should be glad you have him", I don't say anything, because I remember that exasperated feeling.

I think it's important to be honest with ourselves.  We CAN miss them terribly and still admit that sometimes they drove us crazy.

Comment by mcbeth (Mary Beth) on April 3, 2017 at 11:08am

Seashell, I could see my Tom saying something very similair

Comment by Heartbroken Spirit on April 3, 2017 at 11:06am
This is my first time posting. It has been helpful and comforting to read all the comments and discussions. My husband passed away in November 2015. He was only 60 years old. I have three adult children in their 20's and thank God I have them. Some days I feel strong but sometimes my life seems surreal. I feel like I am living in a parallel universe. Does the anger and hurt ever go away? I have wonderful support from family and friends but I am still trying to make sense of my loss. I am 60 years old and know I need to embrace life. I have made great strides but then I get hit with such sadness - it can be overwhelming. Faith does help but I lost my father in 2009, my mother in 2012 and then Rick in 2015. Too much!!!!
Comment by Seashell on April 3, 2017 at 10:53am

When Jerry would be underfoot for the hundredth time and I was thoroughly exasperated with him I would tell him "do you know why God gives women an extra 10 years?"... I can see him smiling now and saying "and you thought it would be so easy..." 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 3, 2017 at 7:36am


That's how it's done. It's a back & forth motion that ends when the process of letting go of the cathexis is completed. The overbearing emotions need to be released whenever possible as often as possible. I was still picking at myself as if grief was a scab when I was 8 years out to make sure it was an actual scar that held no residual grief. At almost 10yrs out, grief is a memory like one that is so distant I find it difficult to believe it was actually me doing it. What I do have left are sweet loving memories of Bob-O & a time that was. 

Comment by Susan on April 2, 2017 at 4:40pm

Sweet Melissa,

   When i think I'm doing O.K. , Something happens to trigger tears. Like tonight... In planted 2 lilac bushes in the back yard. Came in the house and watched the Tribute to my husband that the funeral home made for me. I cried like baby. But after I cry. i feel better. 


Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 1, 2017 at 9:44pm

Sounds like many you are going through the process of letting go as well as being okay w/it ...

Most all of grief is about "you"; what you think, how you feel, learning to make decisions for yourself, caring for you, comparing the new self to the old self, etc ...

These changes do feel foreign, however, they allow you to know the grief process is healing you albeit slowly ...

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on April 1, 2017 at 3:43pm

@Athena and Maggie:  Yep, yep, yep.  At this point, to be honest, I would NOT want my husband to come back if he were still with bladder cancer and moyamoya and not appreciating me and depressed about not working.  I keep thinking that if he were to come back having resolved all his issues on the other side, and be capable of being healthy in retirement and more importantly, happy in retirement, that would be one thing.  Like Sissy, I feel guilty about having these feelings too.  

Comment by Susan on April 1, 2017 at 2:59pm

Maggie & Athena,

    I have these feelings, then I feel guilty for having them... I hate that feeling of guilt.



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