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Born in the 50s

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Comment by Slick on May 2, 2018 at 10:47am

John ..I am in the same exact timing as you are and lately..feel like it's year 2...I don't know why but it does...I;m sure it will pass but it's been hanging quite awhile....Shelly ..I also have one sided conversations...sometimes I swear in the morning I can feel him in bed with me for a second.....

Comment by chef (John) on May 2, 2018 at 8:39am


You will "pull yourself together" over time. The brain/heart or logic/emotion dichotomy of being widowed is maddening. I'm in Year VII  (about to being Year IIX in a few weeks) and still have one-sided conversations with my late wife.

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 30, 2018 at 6:49am

Shelley, Melissa & Susan,
Back in the 70s while in HS, I read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's groundbreaking - first of its kind - still relevant today - book "On Death & Dying". It was based on years of observation & talking w/terminally ill patients in developing her theory into a 5 stage model on grief during the death process. This same book were later assigned for 2 of my college psychology courses. Many people have found solace & a greater understanding from Ross's book in assisting them w/their own grief in providing answers - comfort in knowing their loved one's final stage in the death process ended ready to die in peace. This & other information will take time to resonate regardless of whether its based on research, studies, of a religious nature or from widows. Grief brings doubts & shatters the ability to believe in anything - ourself, death, etc ...
What I have learned in my 10+ years of widowhood from other books & websites as well as witnessed on widow websites are those widowed from an anticipated death are able to function (socialize &/or date &/or remarry, etc) earlier than those with complicated grief & trauma stemming from sudden death: suicide, murder, accidental death, no body recovered, condition of body/not able to view body as well as court proceedings. Their grief has compounding extenuating circumstances that can cause lifelong PTSD/reliving traumatic nightmare - different from remembering it. Some have few answers or explanations - no logic, theory or that of an emperial nature to seek answers ...
I had thoughts of Bob dying coming from ? - God, a higher power, the universe, our calexis/intuitive connection with eachother in the days prior to his sudden death in a car collision caused by a roadrage driver. I was prompted to look at him w/thoughts of "I can't live w/out you - what will I do - please don't leave me". Each time he looked back at me w/teary eyes & a heartfelt smile as if he knew what I was thinking. Throughout that week, he kept hugging me & our kids saying "I love you" more so than usual. Those signs were like a curse not a warning - they didn't prepare me for his sudden death ...
Early functioning has been called a "blessing" by those who reinforced long held beliefs &/or gained a new perspective prior to or at the end of grief & obvious from those who went early on w/grief in tow to start a family, have more children, date, remarry, explore life solo ...
Hope this helps ...

Comment by Slick on April 29, 2018 at 4:54am

Shelley ......I understand , there are many times I have wondered why I hold onto her...I guess since she always said I'm the only one who she can talk to about her husband....I stuck around to be her friend...BUT she has 6 other friends that she does different things with...twice a year we all get together for birthdays at the I have met them all many times and yet she never has included me in a movie or anything else she does with them although she know where I am in life....I had to move on...the other girl I talk to over the phone...she has multiple issues and I am uncomfortable getting together with her.....I am sorry you are tearful everyday...I am at 7 years and for some reason for the past 6 months I have been too....

Comment by Slick on April 29, 2018 at 4:47am

Thanks Beth..I'm sorry you have one too......Bill has been gone 7 years..between his death and my daughters, I lost my onlly sister who I was very close to all my life, 3 of my closest friends from husband held my hand through it all....I met this woman at an 8 week group just for 3 woman and a psycologist , it was kind of cool..we all helped each other since we all had different problems...I have kept in touch with both for over 4 she isn't a lifelong friend but really the only one I had to go out with ...I guess I was so happy with that , that it took me a long time to realize she was " the boss" all the time...and I am tired of it...I don't want to go out to lunch all the time..there;s other things I would like to do...that plus her constant badgering of her husband I couldn;t take I as gently as I could told her..instead of understanding how I might feel , she got an attitude I'm sure she's all about her......PEACE

Comment by booktime (Susan) on April 29, 2018 at 2:13am

Shelley, Melissa - you just triggered a memory for me. I remember that a month or so before Ed died, I just broke down before him and said how I didn't know what I was going to do without him! I know I upset him but I couldn't help myself. Then when I was with him and he was dying (and he was not aware), I told him I was going to be OK, he could leave now. I kept repeating that until he did go.

Having that image of your husband, Shelley, is a strong one. You don't have to stop crying but maybe tell him you will be OK? And OK doesn't mean back to the old normal but the new normal.

I think we all know that our husbands would be sad to see us sad. I still talk to Ed and often say, well, what do you think? How do you think I'm doing!

Hugs to you both. You will find your way on this path none of us wanted to take.

Comment by Melissa on April 29, 2018 at 12:34am

Shelley, I've wondered the same thing. If somehow my grief upsets Gilbert. He always wanted to fix everything when he was here, and he could usually help. He can't help this, and I pray that he can see the bigger picture; the one I know is there but can't see. That in time I will stop crying, that we'll see each other again. That he is at peace because he knows I'll be okay. 

Comment by shelley on April 28, 2018 at 7:21pm

It will be six months for me on May 10.  I don't think I have triggers.  There are just times when I can distract myself and times I can't.  Yesterday was very hard.  Went to my grief group in the morning and I love the group- all widows over 60.  But I just couldn't stop crying.  Was still crying when I got into bed.  I talk to my husband often throughout the day.  And last night I was telling him how extremely sad and lost I am without him, how hard it is to be on this planet without him, how painful life is without him.  And a picture of him crying and holding his hand on his heart flashed in my mind.  As if he was sad to see me so heartbroken.  I wonder if I should try to pull myself together so that he can find peace.  

Comment by Beth on April 28, 2018 at 6:30pm

Slick....I'm new here...9 mos into widowhood and I have a friend VERY much like yours. I asked myself why continue to be friends with her.  I figured out because she is so self absorbed, I don't have to participate in the conversation and she makes me focus on her problems, not mine. She does have a generous heart, so it works for me. Each one of us is different and you will figure out if your friends is worth the effort. Hugs, Beth

Comment by shelley on April 28, 2018 at 6:06pm

Slick,  I have a friend-  since 1979 when we were San Francisco roommates, who is somewhat self-absorbed.  When I asked her recently if we could get together, she said "Well, if it's a nice day I want to ride my horse"...   My son tells me he doesn't understand why I'm friends with her.  But I am.  And I can understand your decision to move on.  


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