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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

Buying A House

Started by Tekwriter. Last reply by shelley Sep 15. 10 Replies

Anyone experiencing loneliness?

Started by bblue5. Last reply by bblue5 Sep 13. 6 Replies


Started by Mike. Last reply by Athena53 Aug 28. 19 Replies

Comment Wall


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Comment by Barzan on May 6, 2018 at 7:26am

I am not a religious person but consider myself spiritual.  I believe that you cannot deny what you don't know.  I do have a few examples of my late husband's presence in my life.  About a year after he passed, he woke me up around midnight and spoke in my head (sounds crazy, but am not) and told me to go close the garage door.  I got up and to my surprise the garage door was open.  I had forgotten to close it when I got home in the afternoon.  Another incident was talking me  through on how to take down the smoke alarm, change batteries and replace and test.  I had never done this before and with his direction, I did it like I had done it hundreds of times.  There are other examples but won't bore you.  

I also believe that my grieving process and healing has been positively impacted by feeling his presence.  Like Slick points out that no one has to agree or disagree.

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on May 5, 2018 at 6:21pm

Hi Mike,
Creationism is a major part of healing for a great many people rather then the natural processes of evolution ...
Either one or both can help w/the answers for death. For myself, I found a greater comfort w/spirituality than I ever could w/evolution or the forensics report. The fact that Bob had been murdered as well as the top & back of his head torn off was far too much too bare. I sought solace in my spiritual beliefs - it was the major contributor in my healing for accepting truth & reality. It took time, of course I had to work my anger w/God down in the trenches first before I could set on my quest for peace & serenity ...
Almost 11 years later, the disconnected house alarm still flashes whenever Bob is around ...
Whatever works!

Comment by Mike on May 3, 2018 at 4:12am

It has been about four months for me now and I get no feelings or sensations or whatever that my wife is near or trying to soothe me or anything like that. I am happy for the people who do and realize the peace it must bring. As for me I live in the same house we shared for almost thirty years and it’s as if she has vanished. We had a good and loving relationship. If she wanted to make her presence known then an empty house should be ideal. I am alright with this. I don’t believe in an after life and knowing she is gone forever, while it hurts tremendously, has actually helped me to accept her death and move on. I know this isn’t the common feeling on these posts, and I’m not trying to deny what people feel or experience. It’s just a description of what has occurred for me. 

Comment by Barzan on May 2, 2018 at 3:47pm

Have been reading these posts while  traveling and now that I'm home, I wish to add my 2 cents.  I'm at year 7 7 in June and although I'm managing my grief better, I still feel my husband's presence and hope that will never stop.  When I share this with friends or family, they kind of raise their eyebrows.  My theory is that we can't hear dog whistles but they exist so just because we can't see something, can it not exist?  I adopted my cat 2 years ago and he has never climbed up on my late husband's recliner and he has slept on every other piece of furniture in the house.  So, keep talking to your spouses because it gives us comfort and who knows, they may be there listening.  Hugs to all.

Comment by irishlady (jan) on May 2, 2018 at 1:28pm

Me too with the feeling of husband in bed sleeping beside me. when I wake in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, my first thought is don't wake husband up, that's how real the feeling is. I talk to him all the time too. At home, in the car while driving. Our joke always was I can't merge into traffic. (I've gotten much better) so every time I encounter heavy traffic flow I say...I need some help here and always there will be a miraculous parting of the heavy traffic and I say thank you honey.

Comment by shelley on May 2, 2018 at 1:27pm

Yes, Slick.  Exactly!  Always after having an overwhelmingly sad day/evening.  And I don't know if it's because I feel rested or because I may have sensed his presence or maybe neither-  but I feel a little lighthearted upon getting out of bed.  Not the usual dread.  I can still remember that moment before I/as I woke up, such a peaceful feeling.  

Comment by shelley on May 2, 2018 at 11:08am

Slick, Just lately there have been a few times when I felt like he was in bed with me.  Yes, the feeling was fleeting and only for a second.  I would feel him as I woke up, realizing that I had some restful sleep.  

Comment by chef (John) on May 2, 2018 at 8:39am


You will "pull yourself together" over time. The brain/heart or logic/emotion dichotomy of being widowed is maddening. I'm in Year VII  (about to being Year IIX in a few weeks) and still have one-sided conversations with my late wife.

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 30, 2018 at 6:49am

Shelley, Melissa & Susan,
Back in the 70s while in HS, I read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's groundbreaking - first of its kind - still relevant today - book "On Death & Dying". It was based on years of observation & talking w/terminally ill patients in developing her theory into a 5 stage model on grief during the death process. This same book were later assigned for 2 of my college psychology courses. Many people have found solace & a greater understanding from Ross's book in assisting them w/their own grief in providing answers - comfort in knowing their loved one's final stage in the death process ended ready to die in peace. This & other information will take time to resonate regardless of whether its based on research, studies, of a religious nature or from widows. Grief brings doubts & shatters the ability to believe in anything - ourself, death, etc ...
What I have learned in my 10+ years of widowhood from other books & websites as well as witnessed on widow websites are those widowed from an anticipated death are able to function (socialize &/or date &/or remarry, etc) earlier than those with complicated grief & trauma stemming from sudden death: suicide, murder, accidental death, no body recovered, condition of body/not able to view body as well as court proceedings. Their grief has compounding extenuating circumstances that can cause lifelong PTSD/reliving traumatic nightmare - different from remembering it. Some have few answers or explanations - no logic, theory or that of an emperial nature to seek answers ...
I had thoughts of Bob dying coming from ? - God, a higher power, the universe, our calexis/intuitive connection with eachother in the days prior to his sudden death in a car collision caused by a roadrage driver. I was prompted to look at him w/thoughts of "I can't live w/out you - what will I do - please don't leave me". Each time he looked back at me w/teary eyes & a heartfelt smile as if he knew what I was thinking. Throughout that week, he kept hugging me & our kids saying "I love you" more so than usual. Those signs were like a curse not a warning - they didn't prepare me for his sudden death ...
Early functioning has been called a "blessing" by those who reinforced long held beliefs &/or gained a new perspective prior to or at the end of grief & obvious from those who went early on w/grief in tow to start a family, have more children, date, remarry, explore life solo ...
Hope this helps ...

Comment by booktime (Susan) on April 29, 2018 at 2:13am

Shelley, Melissa - you just triggered a memory for me. I remember that a month or so before Ed died, I just broke down before him and said how I didn't know what I was going to do without him! I know I upset him but I couldn't help myself. Then when I was with him and he was dying (and he was not aware), I told him I was going to be OK, he could leave now. I kept repeating that until he did go.

Having that image of your husband, Shelley, is a strong one. You don't have to stop crying but maybe tell him you will be OK? And OK doesn't mean back to the old normal but the new normal.

I think we all know that our husbands would be sad to see us sad. I still talk to Ed and often say, well, what do you think? How do you think I'm doing!

Hugs to you both. You will find your way on this path none of us wanted to take.


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