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Born in the 50s

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Members: 713
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Discussion Forum

TRAVELING ALONE?

Started by CarolinaHeart. Last reply by TCHA Mar 29. 78 Replies

Problems with moving

Started by Racingfan60. Last reply by Melissa Mar 10. 2 Replies

Companionship

Started by Tess. Last reply by Beansy Feb 9. 21 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by Melissa on Sunday

Dear Riet, 

You described your husband so beautifully. He was so involved in life and love, right up until the end. I think having such an involved husband makes the loss even harder. Everything reminds you of him. Nothing feels right without him. Being with friends doesn't feel right, because half of you is missing.

It's wonderful that your husband and children shared so many interests, but right now the thing they enjoyed most just causes more sadness, because they can't share it with their dad.

You sound like such a beautiful family, and you have all had a tremendous shock. Even though you know the end is coming, nothing can prepare you for it. This is still so new for all of you. I know you can't even imagine this now, but there will come a time when your days will be a little easier. You will smile and laugh again. The unbearable pain you feel now will soften into an ache. For now, please be gentle with yourself. There is nothing you have to do. Just what you feel up to. 

There are times when you really do have to take life minute to minute. It's so overwhelming that you can't think about tomorrow. Just think about this minute and what will help you get through it. We are all here for you, and while none of us knows exactly how you feel, we know about grief and loss. Those who are farther along in the journey are helping those of us who are new to this life we never wanted.

I wish you and your beautiful family comfort and peace. Much love to you.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on Sunday

Riet, if you can believe this: on this site you are not alone. We have all experienced loss in one way or another. Everyone's story is different and yet the same. We do not have our loved one anymore.  With only one month on this path you did not choose, it is all so new so raw so hard for you. Breathe. And take it moment by moment. Don't look ahead - that will be overwhelming. Just look at the moment you are in and know you are surviving. After a while, it may not just be surviving but even thriving in a way you can't conceive of.

It will be 5 years for me next September and I too was a caregiver at the end. You were so intent on that, to go from that to where you are now is unfathomable. Really the only way is to breathe and take it a moment at a time.

Hugs.

Comment by Slick on Sunday

Dear Riet..please, please try to take it slowly ..you and your children...this is a devastating loss....I am a little more then 7 years and still feel it as if it was yesterday on occasion....there are no rights and wrongs her.....a lot of times family members each pick up different personality traits of the deceased...all normal....grief groups I found got me through the first year.....my husband had lung and bone cancer and lived almost 4 years ..he was only 51 when dx....I retired to be his caregiver and we also thought we were ready...I wasn't....always remember you are not alone....Peace.

Comment by riet on Sunday

Thank you Slick and Lioness, 

It's now one month since my husband died and I still don't seem to accept it.  Today I visited our good friends for the first time alone and it just wasn't right.  He had to go with me there too. 

In the weekends our son always spent his day making photos, which he then forwarded to his dad to discuss them.  And he also couldn't believe he is no longer able to do so. With our daughter , my husband enjoyed gardening. Endless talks about it took place between them.  Done forever. Unbelieveable.

Another son just came here trying to do whatever his dad did in his garden and left to his own house very sad for not being able to discuss the news of the day with his dad, like they used to do.

We all are ... well we don't know how we are.  We just don't accept his absence.

In one way we do: of course we know he died.  But what that would mean for us, we never realized.

And while my husband had a very difficult last half year, we really thought we were prepared for his loss. Well nothing could be more false.

The sadness we felt for his disease, is in no way comparable to what we feel now when he is no longer with us.

We all are just lost.  And while our kids still have their own families to go to, I am alone.  Alone because my soulmate and best friend on earth no longer is with us.

Everybody called us: entwined. Some say I am strong.  Yes I was: entwined with him.  Nothing of what is happening now I could ever have expected.

It hurts every moment.  More as anything I ever felt before.

I want to yell at everything I see: give me my husband back. 

Thanks for your hugs.  I feel comforted by them

Comment by Slick on Sunday

God bless you and your family , Riet....so sorry for your loss...maybe your heart be filled with Peace

Comment by Lioness on Sunday
Hi Riet, so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some comfort here, I know I have. Reading others stories similar to your own can help you get through. its true, you must live one day at a time when you have lost your loved one. My husband died five years ago, and we did everything together too, and I miss him every day. But you put one foot in front of the other, and do whatever you feel like doing, even if it is just sleeping or crying or eating junk. Keep your family close, they are hurting too, my own 3 kids are still hurting but we all talk about him together, and it helps. wishing you comfort in the days ahead. hugs
Comment by riet on Sunday

Reading a book, I discovered this website.  English is not my native language. Please forgive my awkward language.

I lost my husband on the 20th of last April. He fought  an aggressive brain tumor. And despite an average surviving rate of 15 months, he had exactly 4 years.  He was 73 and on the 1st of May, we would have been together for 50 years. We were in a very tight marriage. The only thing important for my husband was his family. He lived for us every moment. He wanted to have a big party on this first of May.  In stead, we celebrated his life on that day.

My husband loved living so very much. He didn't want to give up till the last moment.  He took every therapy what was proposed to him. And hoped to live till he was a 100 years old.  And despite the heavy treatment all this time, we had hopes.  He came out of the statistical data and we thought it would last that way.

It did not.  From about September 2017, his condition became worse every day.  And still, seeing,  we were blind. We hoped and hoped.

We never consulted any internet paper about his disease. We only accepted what the doctors told us. If we had done so, I believe my husband had given up fighting a long time ago, because with this cancer he had no chance at all.

Our 3 children and grandchildren however knew all about it and I only now see how lonely they must have felt , not being able to discuss all this with us.

He died in our own house. I was with next to him.  Our children and grandchildren had left a few hours before, not expecting him passing that night.  He cried when they left.  Now that hurts me so much.  I still want to hug him and he is no longer here.

He was nursed by our daughter this last month. She did this so gentle and kind.  She and her daddy were two of a kind. 

His grandchildren had come to sing and bring his music  on their guitars to him this last day.  He liked classic rock and was so happy and proud they shared his his interests.  They miss their granddad so much.

I want to tell his story a million times.  His photos are all around me.  I am surrounded very well by caring people:  our kids in the first place. But also our neighbors and friends. 

But I don't see how to go on now.  They all tell me not to think very far ahead, and live by the day.  But I can't help feeling scared.  My husband and I did everything together. And now?

Thank you for being able to tell you this.

the best to all of you

Riet

Comment by Muns on Thursday

My Steve had a 1995 Chevy Dually, Shoosie, that was his pride and joy.  I named it The Beast.  When Steve died in April 2017  I decided to sell it and a friend of mine helped me.  He had it detailed and put in on line for top dollar.  It actually sold quickly for asking price.  He gave me the money in cash and I put the money in a brand new bank envelope and put the envelope in the safe.  Months later when I needed some cash I took the envelope out and took all the bills, and out comes a penny with it.  I know where that penny came from dear Steve, pennies from heaven.  Since then I have a few more that he has placed.  

Also one morning when I was outside tending to the pool, something caught my eye at the edge of the patio by the rose bush, our favorite flower.  It was for sure a set of our office keys from our propane business.  No doubt in my mind.  We had sold the business and the property back in 2014 and had turned in ALL our keys to the new owner.

I miss Steve so much!  This second year is turning out to be harder than the first.  I believe in the "signs" and feel blessed to see and feel them.

Comment by Slick on Thursday

I call mine , my "mommy " belly.....and love it...so did Bill....

Yep, Barzan I have had many "visits" and just find them so calming..sometimes tears after but they are more because I know he came to visit....I smell my daughters hair sometimes.....my FIL's cigars only in my car.....and when I smell smoke strongly in my house ....I think of my sister..the only smoker when she committed suicide at 50....both of my grandsons have seen people...they would sit in their cribs for hours and talk to heaven only knows who....my 2 year old looks straight ahead , in deep concentration, hands going and has a conversation with someone, giggles and all....I love every minute of it...

Comment by shelley on May 16, 2018 at 7:49pm

Shoosie2, I so loved your post.  Of course I know what a 'fat pad' is.  I come from a long line of cat lovers and have seen plenty of old fat bellies swinging back and forth.  Sweet that we had the same experiences with our husbands.  

Your day does sound like a rough one and I know what it feels like not to have your husband to help you or to talk to about your day.  Hope tomorrow is better for you.  I'm feeling better tonight than I did last night.  But I know I will sink into the abyss again.  

And merlot is the only wine I drink.  Take care.  

 

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