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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

TRAVELING ALONE?

Started by CarolinaHeart. Last reply by chef (John) on Friday. 81 Replies

Giving Myself a Panic Attack

Started by Shoosie2. Last reply by LP Jun 10. 9 Replies

The hardest time of day

Started by Tess. Last reply by 1988zinnia Jun 8. 26 Replies

Deja Vu all over again?

Started by Shoosie2. Last reply by LP Jun 2. 4 Replies

Problems with moving

Started by Racingfan60. Last reply by Melissa Mar 10. 2 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by riet on May 24, 2018 at 1:10pm

After one month and 4 days of his passing, I am  not able to understand the fact that my husband will never return here.  That I never never will see or hear him again.

I constantly want to tell him: " now it's time to stop this. Please lets go on with our normal life".

I know this can't happen.  But I know this only with my head and not with my heart.  

hugs to all of you

Comment by Melissa on May 22, 2018 at 6:19pm

You have a lifetime of beautiful memories, Riet. I'm so glad they are coming back to you.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on May 22, 2018 at 1:52pm

Riet, this is a good moment for you! Hold it close. It is a rocky path we are on but this feels like you are on a smooth patch. Hugs to you - wonderful memory and one I can totally relate to!

Comment by riet on May 22, 2018 at 1:49pm

dear friends,

Thank you for your advice, very much appreciated.  I know now I will wait at least 2 years to make big decisions. Fortunately I am supported in this by my children.  Very important you all told me so, because instinctively I still feel the need for running away from this reality.

This night, I allowed myself to listen to my husbands music again.  Music that was so important for him. And through which we came together a long time ago.  It made me cry a lot but I also saw him back as he was when he was still healthy. Long before this cruel illness  attacked him.

I was happy and very sad at the same time. I remembered how I fell in love with my strong, creative, original, loving and caring husband.  And how good our time together has been.

We had the best life together we ever could have imagined.  With the worries of the last months we  had forgotten this a bit. My husband needed so much care in the end.  And we gave him that as much as possible. 

But the very sick and needy man he was in the end has to be replaced by the always great human being he was before. This was the first time since he died on the 20th of April, I saw him   back as he would wanted to be remembered

It hurts a lot . I feel very strong how I miss him so very much.  But I also cherish now the wonderful time we had.

Comment by CarLady on May 22, 2018 at 6:41am

Hi Reit and fellow sister/brother widows. I attended grief counseling after losing my husband to cancer 4.5 years ago.  One of the main suggestions was NOT to make any life-changing decisions in the first 2 years after a deep loss.  It was the best advice for me; 2 of my aunts are widows after me and they immediately sold their homes and moved away from the communities they lived in for decades.  They both regret the decision deeply now, as they find themselves alone in communities where they don’t know anyone and many of their friends can’t drive to visit them now in their 80’s. I was completely lost for the first 2 years and am glad I didn’t move.  Last year I renovated the house (we bought when we married) to suit me for the next 20 years.  

I just retired in January, and I have long-time friends and neighbours to socialize with at home.  I feel quite different about the house and my future now, and it was good to just put big decisions on the back burner until the fog lifted. I am lucky I was able to keep my job until clear-headedness returned.  Advice is just that, it will be right for some and not others. I’m sure there are others who moved right away and it was best for them but I wanted to pass along what I learned so far.  The fog is a reality from which takes time to emerge.  Best wishes to you in your journey, we are here for each other. 

Comment by Barzan on May 22, 2018 at 5:47am

Hello Riet,  I'm going to chime in on not making any big decisions the first year.  I had hired several handymen to do some work on the house and yard a few months after my husband passed.  All three took advantage of me because I was not thinking clearly at the time.  They would not have gotten away with extra money had I had my wits about me.  So as a warning to you and others in this situation, had a family member supervise any hired help payments and whether they are valid or not.  Hard lesson.  Our brains just don't function rationally the 1st year.  

Comment by Tess on May 22, 2018 at 4:37am

Riet, the advice that Susan is giving regarding consideration of decisions made in the first year is good advice. I wanted so badly to run away as you say. I too didn't know where or how, just that I wanted to mainly get out of my own skin. I wanted to sell my house in the worst way but I am so glad I didn't do it at that time. That was a decision I was not in an emotional position to make. I thought leaving here and starting a new life would alleviate the pain. Now I see that these walls around me hold the sweet memories that I was not ready to desert.

I did opt to retire. As Susan said about mistakes at work, they were hard to avoid. I realized too that I was no longer equipped to handle stress in the same way as before my husband's death, so it was a good decision.

Keep writing and letting us know how you are doing. Hugs.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on May 22, 2018 at 4:05am

Riet, I have been feeling your sadness so much. I want you to know that forgetting things etc is "normal". it has been called widow brain which is a kind of ugly description in my opinion. But it does exist and i went through it too. I didn't go to appointments! I made mistakes at work - one rather huge one that amounted to about 1000 dollars! I had this inertia - where I didn't do anything, couldn't do anything. I still have remnants of that.

I know about the gardens too - this one area that my husband and I enjoyed together. And to this day, I don't have a garden anymore. I love seeing gardens, just not my own.

Things are different. I still feel that. But Riet, I do find more joy and sometimes I feel closer to Ed. I talk to him.

Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Take care of yourself. And the advice of not doing anything big in the first year? That is good advice.  I didn't move until after 3 years.

I'll share something with you: I catch myself saying "I want to go home". And I will be home! I think it's my voicing that I want to go back to the home I had with Ed. And it's ok to say this. It 's a true valid feeling and somehow it helps me.

Hugs. Keep writing. Find comfort here. Breathe.

Comment by riet on May 22, 2018 at 3:29am

Dear Tess,

Thank you for your kind response.  In your and other peoples comments I  can find comfort. Although I sometimes only see darkness.  

On this sunny day here in Belgium, my husbands garden is filled with the flowers he planted himself.  They bloom like never before.  And I can enjoy them one moment and on the other moment yell to them : go away, because my love is no longer here to enjoy this with me.

Also I feel the need sometimes to run away.  But where?  And when I am somewhere else, I want to go home.

I keep forgetting things: I make double appointments.  I lose  things: I found my car keys back in the strangest places.

I have a beautiful family, incredible nice neighbors and fiends, but I still need my husband so badly and he is no longer here

Comment by Tess on May 22, 2018 at 2:15am

Dear Riet. You are at the right place and your English is perfect. The nearly fifty years you and your husband had sound wonderful. I am sorry that you lost him so recently and before your May 1 anniversary. Know that he is with you and your family always. I feel my husband's presence, especially during difficult times. It is a comfort for me. My daughter and grandson are there for me as well. Take refuge in your family and friends and accept the help and comfort that they extend to you. They are there to help.

Hugs and peace to you.

 

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