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Born in the 50s

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Comment by CarLady on June 3, 2018 at 4:56am

Hi everyone.  These posts remind me of my return to work after bereavement leave when my husband died 4.5 yrs ago.  My third week back I was attending a retirement dinner for my boss, and while at the table in front of 7-8 others one of my coworkers said “So, it’s been 6 weeks or so since your husband died. Are you pretty much over it and feeling like yourself again?”   I was so stunned I couldn’t say anything, and no one else spoke either.  I’m assuming it was because her comment and question was so inappropriate.  I kept thinking “really?  Over a 35 year marriage in 6 weeks?”   This was a married woman with 2 teenage children too.  From reactions I’ve been on the receiving end of during this journey there are some people who are so selfish and self-centered they don’t feel deeply for anyone else.  This woman is one, and there are a couple of in-laws exactly the same.  Devoid of feelings for others, they cannot comprehend grief - or true love either.  Times of crisis bring out everyone’s true nature for sure.  Hope this lovely Sunday brings peace to all who mourn. 

Comment by Annie25 on June 3, 2018 at 4:36am

Hi Everyone

So sad to see all these posts regarding

friends and family who feel we should get over it. II am 18 mons in and some days are still so difficult. I truly believe unless you have experienced a loss such as ours you cannot truly understand the pain. I also feel that most people are very uncomfortable discussing grief and just don’t know how to respond to us. I learned in my support group that this reaction from other people is very common. Continue to sorrowing yourselves with the people that make you feel the most comfortable and loved. 

Wishing everyone peace and comfort  

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on June 3, 2018 at 4:19am

Unfortunately, reit, what you are finding out is that people only want to make themselves feel better, and that is why the early (and sometimes later) days of this widowed journey can be so lonely.  Because the only people who get it are the ones who have been through it.  I didn't get it when it was my mother (though she defined herself exclusively through her loss for 12 years until she died).  That it happened to me is "Mom's Revenge."  

Your friend was even more cruel and thoughtless than most.  That was horrific to read.  But the truth is that this is when you find out who your friends are, and which of your friendships have any depth to them.

Comment by Tess on June 3, 2018 at 4:00am

Hi all. These are very sad testaments of the people that should be sharing, or at least, be sensitive to our grief. There are times that I feel very insignificant. I can think of no other word. I am an incidental, occasionally receiving a Facebook response, only when prompted by something I post. I suppose this is due to either the illusion of competency in my widowed state, or a lack of understanding on their part. It is the moments they don't see. The raw lonliness and regret for what I will miss out on in the future.

The absolute only ones that understand are the ones that have been through it. That includes you, my dear friends.

Please hang in there and be a best friend to yourself. You deserve it. Let those that cannot, or will not have empathy go until you feel strong enough to tell them to go stuff it!

Comment by Maggie on June 3, 2018 at 3:38am

I don't have children either and have thought sometimes I wish I did, to have some comfort through grief and as I age. But there's no guarantee they will be loving and supportive, I guess. This is very sad to me that the world has become so cold and I see it more and more..that selfishness, lack of empathy and kindness. 

I have been lucky with friends...only one turned out to be a "bad seed." And she was a doozie. But at 5 years, no one wants to hear too much anymore and they want you "up" to want to be around you. I do sometimes long for my Mother, as I could have talked endlessly with her and she would have never tired of it. But she was gone long before my husband. She was the best friend I ever had.

i think grief and pain are a burden we carry around with us forever if the love was long and good and even not so good in some cases. When you lose part of your life, it is just never the same. It can't be and some how we adjust as best as we can...or we don't and it really doesn't matter. We shouldn't feel guilty if it is more difficult for any one of us, than it is for someone else. It doesn't matter. We are who we are...

Comment by LP on June 3, 2018 at 3:16am

I’m sorry to hear that. I haven’t got children of my own, but I would have thought that children would be a comfort. It must be so hurtful when they aren’t -on top of losing your partner. 

I keep telling myself that no one else can tell me how, when or how fast to grieve. If it comforts me to hold my husband’s urn and talk to him, I’ll do it and simply ask those who criticise to go away. No one else has the right to tell me..

Comment by irishlady (jan) on June 3, 2018 at 2:16am

LP...So sorry for the way your friend acted. I lost friends or people I thought were friends. Found some who I THOUGHT liked me..nope..it was my husband. And people can say the cruelest things. (((hugs)))

Melissa....So sorry to you about what your son said. I am 5 years out and the other day my only daughter told me to stop being a martyr and my "favorite" I hear ALL the time....My mother died the same day my Father did. I took martyr to mean I used her father's death as an excuse??? And I tell her all the time...I am NOT dead I am just changed.  I am still here, but I will never be the same person again. She tells me I have no interest in being a mother anymore but my kids and grands are all the family I have left, so  that's not right. I have gone back into counseling due to these hurtful things. 

Comment by riet on June 2, 2018 at 10:45pm

Soon after my husband died, a "friend" told me I would soon get over it because he was already ill for 4 years .

I should already be used to it. And besides that, he was 8 years older than me: I could have expected this.

Comment by LP on June 2, 2018 at 10:25pm

Thanks so much for your words. Melissa, I’ve been told too to stop playing “that card” -and only three weeks out! I’m sorry to hear that that remark came from your son. Perhaps he was scared at seeing you inconsolable-some people don’t know how to react to their own feelings of helplessness.  I remember when my mom died and we would take my dad out for a meal, he would sit at the table, take out photos of mom and place them  on the table. We would never say anything, although at the time I thought I understood, I really didn’t “get it”.. I do now.. Most of my friends have been wonderful, but I feel like withdrawing from some others . it is so true that you won’t understand until it happens to you . The person who got it best was a complete stranger - a widowed neighbour who invited me to tea. I stayed three hours. She didn’t think it at all strange that on the day I received my husband’s ashes I held them and sobbed for hours. Another non-W friend looked at me as if it was the most ridiculous thing she had heard. 

Thank you you all for responding. I’mso glad I found this site  

Comment by Melissa on June 2, 2018 at 7:59pm

I'm so sorry, LP. The loss is still so fresh. At three months I would cry so hard I know the neighbors heard me. I would cry until my eyelids were blistered and my head throbbed. Most days I couldn't even get out bed. You're planting flowers! I'm coming up on seven months now and am just starting to feel like planting flowers.

One of my sons treats me the way your friend treated you. "Get over it. Stop playing the widow card". He doesn't have the "emotional energy" to deal with me. In the beginning, I thought there was something wrong with me. Now I realize this is his problem.

We are all doing the best we can under horrible circumstances. You will have better days and better friends. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and cry all you want. It helps. I wish you peace and comfort.

 

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