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Born in the 50s

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Members: 712
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Discussion Forum

TRAVELING ALONE?

Started by CarolinaHeart. Last reply by chef (John) on Friday. 81 Replies

Giving Myself a Panic Attack

Started by Shoosie2. Last reply by LP Jun 10. 9 Replies

The hardest time of day

Started by Tess. Last reply by 1988zinnia Jun 8. 26 Replies

Deja Vu all over again?

Started by Shoosie2. Last reply by LP Jun 2. 4 Replies

Problems with moving

Started by Racingfan60. Last reply by Melissa Mar 10. 2 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by shelley on June 2, 2018 at 2:47pm

I'm sorry, LP.  I have also been disappointed by oldest and dearest friends; and surprised at how other people I was not so close to "get it".  It just makes things worse to find out how clueless and insensitive people close to us may be.  

Comment by Slick on June 2, 2018 at 2:06pm

LP..I am so sorry this happened to you..what you felt today is normal...I am 7+ years out and still have my days....your loss is so new and raw to you ...I used to sob...so loudly I was afraid my neighbors would think I was dying...but I had to scream the pain from my heart ..with the tears....there are no rights and wrongs for you ...right now..you must grieve in a way that is best for you...I am so sorry your friend acted in that horrific way..she had no right..she doesn't understand.....may peace fill you ...you need to cry when you need to and smile when you can...

Comment by LP on June 2, 2018 at 1:35pm

I’m feeling raw today. I’m three months in, and some days are ok-ish and others horrendous. But today was dreadful. I tried all my usual ‘feel better” tactics -did some household chores, put a few plants in the garden, walked the dog, but the tears kept coming. Then a friend visited -I’ve known her for some years- and she saw me crying and first tried to laugh and jolly me along. When that didn’t work, she shouted at me to STOP IT! and Told me in a stern voice that I was being hysterical and that I just had to get on with things. That made it even worse, and I asked her to go, at which point she went off in a huff. I’m devastated- I had always liked her but she was completely devoid of any gentleness or understanding. I d9nt know how some people can react like this. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on June 1, 2018 at 2:29am

As for 9/11 survivors, there is always someone who has it worse as well as those who have found their way. It can be helpful to remember in helping to keep depression at bay, but it doesn't stop the tears or sorrow - they are to be felt in placing high regard & deep meaning to love & life. The limbic system in the brain controls emotions. Not until the issue is resolved w/peace in that there is no blame will the reaction to it stop ...
-----------------------------------
Chef,
Yup, that's how its done to get over undue guilt & responsibility is by realizing how powerless you were to change the course of death & its circumstances. It seems rational at the time to have these feelings, however, along the grief path clarity is gained. It also took me a long time to accept death happens - no one is meant to live forever. Religion, creationism, medical science & genetics tell us we cannot cheat death when its our time. Even though Bob had chosen to continue driving, I'm certain he would have died in some other way on the same day & time - that was the last of his freewill. After prying out details of Bob's death from the police officer who pulled him from the wreckage, I was relieved at not neing present to hear his agonal breathing in preparation to die. It was gruesome enough to see the back of his head smashed & missing pieces. I tried to remember if there was one thing in particular I did to get through that memory to relay it to others, but it appears it was a combination of everything I did in healing grief & to accept Bob died in peace. The widowed brain is stronger than we think ...

Comment by shelley on May 31, 2018 at 1:01pm

Just realized how appropriate the term 'absent minded' is to describe grief brain.  I'm going to start saying 'absence minded'.  

Comment by chef (John) on May 31, 2018 at 7:24am

*Raises hand*

If the patient refuses to see a doctor, there ain't NUTHIN' we could have done. (I'm about a month behind you, Barzan.) It took me years to finally get that. Hugs to all.

Comment by irishlady (jan) on May 31, 2018 at 6:22am

Barzan...What wonderful words...he had free will to seek medical care. I blamed my myself too for not having understood the seriousness of my husband's illness and being more proactive...making him stop smoking etc. But these words are so true. He was a grown man and could do as he pleased.

Love you idea of getting away across country on the anniversary. I just passed the 5th and I always plan a day off with one of my kids doing something enjoyable....museum, coastal drive, whatever. I do not want to sit here and relieve every moment of that day. Like you, an escape for the day has helped very much. It takes the dread out of that day. Have a wonderful and peaceful trip.

Comment by Barzan on May 31, 2018 at 6:05am

Reading all your posts about guilt reminds me of how I felt when my husband was diagnosed and we were told that the cancer had metastasized and there really wasn't too many options for him.  He'd been hiding his illness for at least a year and I was so angry with myself for not seeing the changes and forcing him to go to the doctor early on.  My son and mother-in-law assured me that I had nothing to feel guilty about as he was a grown man and had free will to seek medical care if he had wanted it.  There will always be "what ifs" in the back of my mind.

The 7th anniversary of his passing is coming up in 2 weeks and, as I've done since 1st year, I will be on a trip across country.  I feel as if I need to escape from the memory of watching him take his last breath.  Putting miles between that memory and distraction has been my prescription.

Comment by Athena53 on May 31, 2018 at 5:47am

I agree, Bergen.  While we must never forget that 9/11 happened (and I lived in Bergen County as well back then), my personal feeling is that I don't want to re-live it every year.  Those who lost loved ones can remember in their own way if they want.

A coworker lost a son on 9/11.  The son had recently been married and it took a couple of years before they identified some tiny bit of his remains through DNA. They were observant Jews and this meant that their daughter-in-law was free to remarry now because they had concrete evidence that her husband had died.  Stuff you never think about.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on May 31, 2018 at 5:35am

I have often thought about the 9/11 widows and how they have to re-live everything every year, over and over and over again in perpetuity.  I'm sure that there are some who appreciate the annual observance, but I know that if it were me, I would leave the country during that week every year.  

 

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