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Born in the 50s

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Comment by riet on June 2, 2018 at 10:45pm

Soon after my husband died, a "friend" told me I would soon get over it because he was already ill for 4 years .

I should already be used to it. And besides that, he was 8 years older than me: I could have expected this.

Comment by LP on June 2, 2018 at 10:25pm

Thanks so much for your words. Melissa, I’ve been told too to stop playing “that card” -and only three weeks out! I’m sorry to hear that that remark came from your son. Perhaps he was scared at seeing you inconsolable-some people don’t know how to react to their own feelings of helplessness.  I remember when my mom died and we would take my dad out for a meal, he would sit at the table, take out photos of mom and place them  on the table. We would never say anything, although at the time I thought I understood, I really didn’t “get it”.. I do now.. Most of my friends have been wonderful, but I feel like withdrawing from some others . it is so true that you won’t understand until it happens to you . The person who got it best was a complete stranger - a widowed neighbour who invited me to tea. I stayed three hours. She didn’t think it at all strange that on the day I received my husband’s ashes I held them and sobbed for hours. Another non-W friend looked at me as if it was the most ridiculous thing she had heard. 

Thank you you all for responding. I’mso glad I found this site  

Comment by Melissa on June 2, 2018 at 7:59pm

I'm so sorry, LP. The loss is still so fresh. At three months I would cry so hard I know the neighbors heard me. I would cry until my eyelids were blistered and my head throbbed. Most days I couldn't even get out bed. You're planting flowers! I'm coming up on seven months now and am just starting to feel like planting flowers.

One of my sons treats me the way your friend treated you. "Get over it. Stop playing the widow card". He doesn't have the "emotional energy" to deal with me. In the beginning, I thought there was something wrong with me. Now I realize this is his problem.

We are all doing the best we can under horrible circumstances. You will have better days and better friends. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and cry all you want. It helps. I wish you peace and comfort.

Comment by Barzan on June 2, 2018 at 6:02pm

LP, so sorry you had this painful experience with your friend.  Sadly, it will happen again and again.  We here get it- those outside can’t.  Give them a wide berth because one day they will be in our group as well.  Stay strong.

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on June 2, 2018 at 3:56pm

Its been often said, "a widow gets a new phone/address book" ...

Comment by shelley on June 2, 2018 at 2:47pm

I'm sorry, LP.  I have also been disappointed by oldest and dearest friends; and surprised at how other people I was not so close to "get it".  It just makes things worse to find out how clueless and insensitive people close to us may be.  

Comment by LP on June 2, 2018 at 1:35pm

I’m feeling raw today. I’m three months in, and some days are ok-ish and others horrendous. But today was dreadful. I tried all my usual ‘feel better” tactics -did some household chores, put a few plants in the garden, walked the dog, but the tears kept coming. Then a friend visited -I’ve known her for some years- and she saw me crying and first tried to laugh and jolly me along. When that didn’t work, she shouted at me to STOP IT! and Told me in a stern voice that I was being hysterical and that I just had to get on with things. That made it even worse, and I asked her to go, at which point she went off in a huff. I’m devastated- I had always liked her but she was completely devoid of any gentleness or understanding. I d9nt know how some people can react like this. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on June 1, 2018 at 2:29am

As for 9/11 survivors, there is always someone who has it worse as well as those who have found their way. It can be helpful to remember in helping to keep depression at bay, but it doesn't stop the tears or sorrow - they are to be felt in placing high regard & deep meaning to love & life. The limbic system in the brain controls emotions. Not until the issue is resolved w/peace in that there is no blame will the reaction to it stop ...
Yup, that's how its done to get over undue guilt & responsibility is by realizing how powerless you were to change the course of death & its circumstances. It seems rational at the time to have these feelings, however, along the grief path clarity is gained. It also took me a long time to accept death happens - no one is meant to live forever. Religion, creationism, medical science & genetics tell us we cannot cheat death when its our time. Even though Bob had chosen to continue driving, I'm certain he would have died in some other way on the same day & time - that was the last of his freewill. After prying out details of Bob's death from the police officer who pulled him from the wreckage, I was relieved at not neing present to hear his agonal breathing in preparation to die. It was gruesome enough to see the back of his head smashed & missing pieces. I tried to remember if there was one thing in particular I did to get through that memory to relay it to others, but it appears it was a combination of everything I did in healing grief & to accept Bob died in peace. The widowed brain is stronger than we think ...

Comment by shelley on May 31, 2018 at 1:01pm

Just realized how appropriate the term 'absent minded' is to describe grief brain.  I'm going to start saying 'absence minded'.  

Comment by chef (John) on May 31, 2018 at 7:24am

*Raises hand*

If the patient refuses to see a doctor, there ain't NUTHIN' we could have done. (I'm about a month behind you, Barzan.) It took me years to finally get that. Hugs to all.


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