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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

Buying A House

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Anyone experiencing loneliness?

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Dating

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Comment by Barzan on June 4, 2018 at 12:02pm

Rite and Melissa,

your letters remind me of my first few years.  I’d read a good book or watch a good movie and think to myself that Barney would enjoy this.  Then I’d get so darn sad at the reality of him never getting to see or read it.  The other thing of note you will encounter if you haven’t yet is the fact that he won’t be there to help you recall an event, someone’s name, a restaurant you both enjoyed, a place you’ve visited, a name of a book, a title of a movie, etc. These are memories are gone forever unless you can remember it yourself.  It is so frustrating because there is no one else to ask.

Comment by Melissa on June 4, 2018 at 11:18am

Riet, I think we all do that. I know I do. When people visit, or something makes me laugh, or I read something Gilbert would like, I just keep thinking "Gilbert's dead. He's never coming back." It's the last thing I think when I go to sleep at night and the first thing I think when I wake up in the morning.

For us, it's like having the sun go away forever. It can't really be true. Not forever. But it is true. Some days are easier than others. I can think that and not cry. There are more of those days now, like my brain is finally starting to accept it. My heart never will.

Keep talking. This group of friends understand. Peace to you.

Comment by riet on June 4, 2018 at 9:58am

Dear friends,

I had a good weekend: I was surrounded by my lovely kids and grandchildren. Neighbors and good friends came to visit me.  All did the best they could do for me.

But I have to tell myself whole the time:  my husband died, my husband died.. I still can't believe it sometimes.

I know it of course.  But I can't see for real what that means: he will never never come again.  Never we will speak again. Never he will make me laugh again, never he will surprise me again.   Nevermore we will enjoy just being together 

I can mess with his books and records as much as I like, never he will see that and make a remark about it. This just can't be true. But it is.  It really is.

Sorry, but I have to tell this to someone (again).

Thanks to all of you

Comment by irishlady (jan) on June 3, 2018 at 6:38am

Maggie...ditto on the mom thing. I so wish my Mom was still here. She would have listened and hugged me..she was my best friend too.

When I was in a grief group just a few moths after my husband died, there were maybe 10 in the group and out of those were 3 widows, me included. We all bonded quickly and have stayed friends and they are my go to's when things aren't going well as they understand so well. And no condemnation.

When my husband died, I was living in a senior community and when I would meet someone on the walk, they'd either avert their eyes or ask how I was and when I started to tell them, they would get this look in their eyes like a deer caught in headlights and that look said it all...."I want to be anywhere but here right now" I learned early on to just reply fine or Ok. they may ask, but few really want to know or hear of it. IMO

Comment by CarLady on June 3, 2018 at 4:56am

Hi everyone.  These posts remind me of my return to work after bereavement leave when my husband died 4.5 yrs ago.  My third week back I was attending a retirement dinner for my boss, and while at the table in front of 7-8 others one of my coworkers said “So, it’s been 6 weeks or so since your husband died. Are you pretty much over it and feeling like yourself again?”   I was so stunned I couldn’t say anything, and no one else spoke either.  I’m assuming it was because her comment and question was so inappropriate.  I kept thinking “really?  Over a 35 year marriage in 6 weeks?”   This was a married woman with 2 teenage children too.  From reactions I’ve been on the receiving end of during this journey there are some people who are so selfish and self-centered they don’t feel deeply for anyone else.  This woman is one, and there are a couple of in-laws exactly the same.  Devoid of feelings for others, they cannot comprehend grief - or true love either.  Times of crisis bring out everyone’s true nature for sure.  Hope this lovely Sunday brings peace to all who mourn. 

Comment by Annie25 on June 3, 2018 at 4:36am

Hi Everyone

So sad to see all these posts regarding

friends and family who feel we should get over it. II am 18 mons in and some days are still so difficult. I truly believe unless you have experienced a loss such as ours you cannot truly understand the pain. I also feel that most people are very uncomfortable discussing grief and just don’t know how to respond to us. I learned in my support group that this reaction from other people is very common. Continue to sorrowing yourselves with the people that make you feel the most comfortable and loved. 

Wishing everyone peace and comfort  

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on June 3, 2018 at 4:19am

Unfortunately, reit, what you are finding out is that people only want to make themselves feel better, and that is why the early (and sometimes later) days of this widowed journey can be so lonely.  Because the only people who get it are the ones who have been through it.  I didn't get it when it was my mother (though she defined herself exclusively through her loss for 12 years until she died).  That it happened to me is "Mom's Revenge."  

Your friend was even more cruel and thoughtless than most.  That was horrific to read.  But the truth is that this is when you find out who your friends are, and which of your friendships have any depth to them.

Comment by Tess on June 3, 2018 at 4:00am

Hi all. These are very sad testaments of the people that should be sharing, or at least, be sensitive to our grief. There are times that I feel very insignificant. I can think of no other word. I am an incidental, occasionally receiving a Facebook response, only when prompted by something I post. I suppose this is due to either the illusion of competency in my widowed state, or a lack of understanding on their part. It is the moments they don't see. The raw lonliness and regret for what I will miss out on in the future.

The absolute only ones that understand are the ones that have been through it. That includes you, my dear friends.

Please hang in there and be a best friend to yourself. You deserve it. Let those that cannot, or will not have empathy go until you feel strong enough to tell them to go stuff it!

Comment by Maggie on June 3, 2018 at 3:38am

I don't have children either and have thought sometimes I wish I did, to have some comfort through grief and as I age. But there's no guarantee they will be loving and supportive, I guess. This is very sad to me that the world has become so cold and I see it more and more..that selfishness, lack of empathy and kindness. 

I have been lucky with friends...only one turned out to be a "bad seed." And she was a doozie. But at 5 years, no one wants to hear too much anymore and they want you "up" to want to be around you. I do sometimes long for my Mother, as I could have talked endlessly with her and she would have never tired of it. But she was gone long before my husband. She was the best friend I ever had.

i think grief and pain are a burden we carry around with us forever if the love was long and good and even not so good in some cases. When you lose part of your life, it is just never the same. It can't be and some how we adjust as best as we can...or we don't and it really doesn't matter. We shouldn't feel guilty if it is more difficult for any one of us, than it is for someone else. It doesn't matter. We are who we are...

Comment by LP on June 3, 2018 at 3:16am

I’m sorry to hear that. I haven’t got children of my own, but I would have thought that children would be a comfort. It must be so hurtful when they aren’t -on top of losing your partner. 

I keep telling myself that no one else can tell me how, when or how fast to grieve. If it comforts me to hold my husband’s urn and talk to him, I’ll do it and simply ask those who criticise to go away. No one else has the right to tell me..

 

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