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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

Dating

Started by Mike. Last reply by Alysoun Nov 30, 2018. 24 Replies

Buying A House

Started by Tekwriter. Last reply by Tekwriter Oct 6, 2018. 13 Replies

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Comment by shelley on September 27, 2018 at 1:14pm

Hi Irishlady.  I'm careful about giving advice- I can barely take care of myself.  But I will say one thing-  My husband and I had (and now I have) a mobile home in a trailer park in Santa Cruz, CA.  Santa Cruz weather makes it a great place to live in a trailer park and there are many in Santa Cruz.  But I'm telling you this because it's a great supportive community.  There are of course, some nuts.  But there have been many residents who needed physical and emotional support and the trailer park members rallied.  One woman was cared for as she died of cancer, another man was cared for until he was 99 and had to be moved to a care facility.  People raise money for members who can't afford to pay their rent.  There are get togethers, pot lucks, etc.  I don't know where you are or if a trailer park is even a possibility.  But it sounds like you need a community.  Hope you can find one.  Shelley

Comment by irishlady (jan) on September 27, 2018 at 12:11pm

So, I live in subsidized housing. Right now I am in a small city. I have 2 sons near me, but one is very busy and the other doesn't see me as his girlfriend doesn't like me. I have the opportunity to move back to the state I lived in for 30 years and be closer to my daughter. But she lives a very busy life and only has one child at home now and not sure how long she will be in that area. So, I am torn as to what to do and can not afford to make a mistake. I have been laid up for the past week with a very sore back which makes it hard to get around. I have zero friends here. Huge place and nothing but busy bodies here. I am afraid, as now, being all alone for the last 5 years, there is no one here to help me out if I got seriously hurt (broken bone) or seriously ill. I feel very vulnerable. I do not have any other relatives or friends close by and could not afford to hire someone to help me as I am on a very limited budget. I am going to counseling and plan on asking my counselor, but was wondering if anyone had any input on here. Thanks for listening.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on September 27, 2018 at 2:52am

Hugs to you LP. These firsts are so hard.

It's been now 5 years for me. Sept. 15th was the anniversary of Ed's death and I hadn't really dwelled on it or thought a lot about it.

Until a friend messaged me that she was thinking of me on that day. I burst into tears.

I think we have so much under the surface at times that it takes but just a little poke for the explosion.

The tears didn't last long but wow intense.

Hugs.

Comment by LP on September 27, 2018 at 2:40am

Beautiful words, Shelley. I know what you mean. Sometimes I can imagine Chris walking next to me holding my hand and I find myself smiling. 

I managed to get through my wedding anniversary this week, the first without Chris. The grief  waves seem to hit when least expected. So far it hasn’t been so awful for the big days- maybe because I am anticipating them ( and the weather was beautiful on our anniversary,which helped). But the ordinary days can catch you off guard and the pain is horrible, deep and all-encompassing. 

Comment by shelley on September 26, 2018 at 6:52pm

Several people commented today that I looked 'good/different/pretty'.  I was a little dumbfounded.  Same make up, same hair, same clothes.  No one has complimented me for any reason in the almost 11 months since John died.  I thought about this off and on throughout the day and then it dawned on me-

I had a wonderful dream last night about my husband.  I've dreamt about him before and he's either dead, dying or present one moment and gone the next.  But last night he was vigorous and beaming.  I don't remember most of the dream but I remember the look on his face-  pure joy.  He was passionately exuberant.  Euphoric.  His beautiful blue eyes sparkled.  And I was with him and just as happy.  And we were wherever he is now.  

And I woke as usual, after just a few hours sleep.  But I felt like I'd slept with John all night.  I felt warm and rested and content.  I felt entirely untroubled.  I felt sated and restored.  I felt awash with John.

So no wonder I looked good today.  John always made me feel beautiful.  

Comment by chef (John) on September 23, 2018 at 10:10am

Riet,

It's OK to feel torn apart at five months, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I don't think it hurts to talk to your husband now--after seven years, I *still* talk to Judith, and probably will continue to do that until the day I die. 

You are fortunate to have the care and concern of those around you. Hugs from Cleveland.

Comment by Barzan on September 23, 2018 at 5:43am

Dear Riet,  I'm trying to think back to my 5 month anniversary of husband's  passing and all I can remember is feeling so lost.  I was still working then and poured myself into it to just keep my mind from feeling.  Best way I can explain is like a rope being pulled so tight it starts fraying little by little.  I talked to my husband and still do at times and there is nothing wrong with doing that.  He's in my hearts always and I hope somehow he hears me.  I tried to journal but the tears got in the way so I stopped.  

Our lives are a big storm and we just have to ride it out.  It's good that you have neighbors visiting you as well as family.  Sounds like they care a lot for you and give you needed support.  I send you hugs across the ocean.  

Suzan

Comment by riet on September 23, 2018 at 4:22am

It is just over 5 months my husband died.  It is hurting more and more every day.  After a glorious summer here in Belgium, Autumn arrived yesterday with all its force, wind and heavy rain. I am obliged to stay inside.

Being outside helped to feel better. Visitors still come and help a lot.  Just after noon this Sunday, I already got 3 visiting neighbors . One after another. Reminding me of this or that. Drinking some coffee together. Arranging for me whatever I want, forcing me to go out.  Now my son has come to join me for dinner. My grandchildren kept me company on their free day from school.

And still... I feel torn apart.  I just need him so much. I keep looking at his photos. I try to talk to him, but he is gone.

I am very grateful for everyone's support and help. What would I be without them?  And besides that, this forum is a real healer.  

Comment by Terri BillsWidow35 on September 21, 2018 at 11:33am

I really get these stories.  It has been 7 yrs as of  9/18/18.  I still miss him with all my heart.  And I have not written at all for a few yrs.  It really doesn't seem so long ago.  Although if I think where I am now, I have been healing.  And have been a comfort to many good friends who also lost their husbands in there 60's and mostly quick and unexpected.  Especially now, two good friends lost their young 65 & 63 yr old husbands, 8/26/18 & 8/30/18.  I miss their hubbys too.  And I am very sad knowing they have a difficult road ahead.  Also knowing we all will grieve differently.  But they too will go through so much we all have in common, like the WE to ME.  Of course I was reminded at this time, very vividly my husbands passing. I have learned all deaths seemed to bring back memories of those we loved and lost.  I have lost so many family in the last two years and mom and brother more years ago.  Now that I lost so many, I'm reminded how grateful I was to have so many good people I have know in my life.

I was unable to retire until 2 years ago.  Similar uncompassionate supervisor and stressful work.  It was the best thing I did, even though I am not rich in $$, but rich in spirit.  I feel bad we didn't get any retirement time together.  Before I retired I called the Soc Sec office and found I could be eligible to collect 70% percent of his Social Security before the age of 62 yrs.  with that  I could mange financially at the age of 60.  Everyone 's  situation can be different and online says very little.  Call Soc Sec to get more information and make an appointment.

much understanding and compassion to all in their loses!  

Mrs. Terri

Comment by booktime (Susan) on September 17, 2018 at 4:10am

Thanks for all of the retirement stories! This feels right for me. I'll keep you posted!

 

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