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Born in the 50s

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Dating

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Buying A House

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Anyone experiencing loneliness?

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Comment by riet on October 3, 2018 at 7:55am

Since my husband died 5 months ago, I see lots of things collapse around me. His favorite tree is dying in the garden. I had troubles with my car and last but not least troubles with my electricity.  My husband would have taken care of all these things. Never I had to worry about it. Amongst all other things, this has changed drastically.

When on Sunday night, at 10 pm the electricity went,  I was in the dark and on my own. Fortunately I could reach out for the neighbors, who immediately came to help.

After some research, The micro wave oven seemed to have a short circuit. Ok new oven.  I was happiest of course with the fact that the lights went on again. Thanks so much everyone who came to my rescue.

  Later that day, the trailer got flat fires. It had not been used since his illness.  But on the same day, I wanted to bring away some of his old stuff to charity, the trailer gave up.

And now I am tired of it.  What else will come to me. 

What a good time I have had when my husband was still alive.

  And than there is  his walnut tree.  Years ago, he planted one nut in a pot.  It did very well, so it was planted in the garden.

Every year, my husband watched it and hoped for nuts.  Never they came.  But this year, after his dead, this tree has given buckets and buckets of delicious nuts.

We all enjoy them, but my husband should have seen it. So sad.  Sometimes I can't eat a nut without crying.

I miss him so very much. We used to discuss everything together. And now  I have to  decide alone.

I wished him to be with me.

Comment by Shoosie2 on September 27, 2018 at 5:16pm

Hi Jan, Like you, I am trying to figure out where to go when I retire. 5 years in the future, but we never know what will get thrown at us. I have found several websites on shared housing, which for me, sound good. Right now I own my own house, but it's in the middle of nowhere, so when I retire, I don't want to buy. Seniorhomeshare.com is where either homeowner, or those looking to rent a room, can fill out questionnaires about what they are looking for, and they match you up.

Shelley, that's good to know about Santa Cruz. My sister lives part time in Palm Springs in a senior trailer community, and she has a blast there with all the support and events going on. I only pray that I can find that too. My niece is just moving out of Santa Cruz for another job in Vallejo, but she loved it there. I live in a rural area of the foothills, and there is nothing like that here.  

I also found a lot of links to shared housing on the AARP website

Best of Luck

steph

Comment by shelley on September 27, 2018 at 1:14pm

Hi Irishlady.  I'm careful about giving advice- I can barely take care of myself.  But I will say one thing-  My husband and I had (and now I have) a mobile home in a trailer park in Santa Cruz, CA.  Santa Cruz weather makes it a great place to live in a trailer park and there are many in Santa Cruz.  But I'm telling you this because it's a great supportive community.  There are of course, some nuts.  But there have been many residents who needed physical and emotional support and the trailer park members rallied.  One woman was cared for as she died of cancer, another man was cared for until he was 99 and had to be moved to a care facility.  People raise money for members who can't afford to pay their rent.  There are get togethers, pot lucks, etc.  I don't know where you are or if a trailer park is even a possibility.  But it sounds like you need a community.  Hope you can find one.  Shelley

Comment by irishlady (jan) on September 27, 2018 at 12:11pm

So, I live in subsidized housing. Right now I am in a small city. I have 2 sons near me, but one is very busy and the other doesn't see me as his girlfriend doesn't like me. I have the opportunity to move back to the state I lived in for 30 years and be closer to my daughter. But she lives a very busy life and only has one child at home now and not sure how long she will be in that area. So, I am torn as to what to do and can not afford to make a mistake. I have been laid up for the past week with a very sore back which makes it hard to get around. I have zero friends here. Huge place and nothing but busy bodies here. I am afraid, as now, being all alone for the last 5 years, there is no one here to help me out if I got seriously hurt (broken bone) or seriously ill. I feel very vulnerable. I do not have any other relatives or friends close by and could not afford to hire someone to help me as I am on a very limited budget. I am going to counseling and plan on asking my counselor, but was wondering if anyone had any input on here. Thanks for listening.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on September 27, 2018 at 2:52am

Hugs to you LP. These firsts are so hard.

It's been now 5 years for me. Sept. 15th was the anniversary of Ed's death and I hadn't really dwelled on it or thought a lot about it.

Until a friend messaged me that she was thinking of me on that day. I burst into tears.

I think we have so much under the surface at times that it takes but just a little poke for the explosion.

The tears didn't last long but wow intense.

Hugs.

Comment by LP on September 27, 2018 at 2:40am

Beautiful words, Shelley. I know what you mean. Sometimes I can imagine Chris walking next to me holding my hand and I find myself smiling. 

I managed to get through my wedding anniversary this week, the first without Chris. The grief  waves seem to hit when least expected. So far it hasn’t been so awful for the big days- maybe because I am anticipating them ( and the weather was beautiful on our anniversary,which helped). But the ordinary days can catch you off guard and the pain is horrible, deep and all-encompassing. 

Comment by shelley on September 26, 2018 at 6:52pm

Several people commented today that I looked 'good/different/pretty'.  I was a little dumbfounded.  Same make up, same hair, same clothes.  No one has complimented me for any reason in the almost 11 months since John died.  I thought about this off and on throughout the day and then it dawned on me-

I had a wonderful dream last night about my husband.  I've dreamt about him before and he's either dead, dying or present one moment and gone the next.  But last night he was vigorous and beaming.  I don't remember most of the dream but I remember the look on his face-  pure joy.  He was passionately exuberant.  Euphoric.  His beautiful blue eyes sparkled.  And I was with him and just as happy.  And we were wherever he is now.  

And I woke as usual, after just a few hours sleep.  But I felt like I'd slept with John all night.  I felt warm and rested and content.  I felt entirely untroubled.  I felt sated and restored.  I felt awash with John.

So no wonder I looked good today.  John always made me feel beautiful.  

Comment by chef (John) on September 23, 2018 at 10:10am

Riet,

It's OK to feel torn apart at five months, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I don't think it hurts to talk to your husband now--after seven years, I *still* talk to Judith, and probably will continue to do that until the day I die. 

You are fortunate to have the care and concern of those around you. Hugs from Cleveland.

Comment by Barzan on September 23, 2018 at 5:43am

Dear Riet,  I'm trying to think back to my 5 month anniversary of husband's  passing and all I can remember is feeling so lost.  I was still working then and poured myself into it to just keep my mind from feeling.  Best way I can explain is like a rope being pulled so tight it starts fraying little by little.  I talked to my husband and still do at times and there is nothing wrong with doing that.  He's in my hearts always and I hope somehow he hears me.  I tried to journal but the tears got in the way so I stopped.  

Our lives are a big storm and we just have to ride it out.  It's good that you have neighbors visiting you as well as family.  Sounds like they care a lot for you and give you needed support.  I send you hugs across the ocean.  

Suzan

Comment by riet on September 23, 2018 at 4:22am

It is just over 5 months my husband died.  It is hurting more and more every day.  After a glorious summer here in Belgium, Autumn arrived yesterday with all its force, wind and heavy rain. I am obliged to stay inside.

Being outside helped to feel better. Visitors still come and help a lot.  Just after noon this Sunday, I already got 3 visiting neighbors . One after another. Reminding me of this or that. Drinking some coffee together. Arranging for me whatever I want, forcing me to go out.  Now my son has come to join me for dinner. My grandchildren kept me company on their free day from school.

And still... I feel torn apart.  I just need him so much. I keep looking at his photos. I try to talk to him, but he is gone.

I am very grateful for everyone's support and help. What would I be without them?  And besides that, this forum is a real healer.  

 

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