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Born in the 50s

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Comment by Barzan on October 15, 2018 at 6:48am

I, too, wish I had someone to take care of me.  I wish I had a WE.  I am meandering towards age 70 and the few men I had met since my husband's passing were all looking for a woman to take care of them.  I was not going to sign up for that.  Not going to do another man's laundry anymore.  I don't believe I'd even want an intimate relationship.  I would like someone to travel with or dinner, movies or a walk around the lake.  It's the dialog I really miss.  There are things to discuss that give a different perspective on topics that we don't get from our same sex friends.  

On another note.  My late husband's best friend passed away 3 months ago and I have giving support to his wife who is just starting this journey.  She does have great support right now and I hope all those friends keep her in the fold for years to come.  Lot of us aren't so fortunate.  

I have saved all the cards my husband gave me.  He was so witty and original with what sentiment he wrote inside that I just couldn't toss them.  Grateful now that I saved them.  They sure tug at my heart strings when I pull one out to re-read.  

Hugs to our community.

Comment by Melissa on October 14, 2018 at 11:56pm

You're right, LP. This is not getting easier. It will be a year since my husband's stroke on the 24th of this month. Four days after my birthday.

I yelled at him on my birthday for not giving me a card, because he could be dead someday and I wouldn't have something from him that I could read. There was no reason for me to say that. He was fine. I still wonder why I made such a big deal about that card.

It turned out that he had ordered a special birthday card with our dogs on it, and it was late to arrive. He gave it to me the night before the stroke, and it said, "To great adventures ahead".

I never thought I would make it this long. How have I lived almost a year without my husband? When do things start to feel even a little bit normal?

Every day is so hard, Gary's Wife. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have someone take care of us?

Sorry for the midnight rambling. Tonight's a hard one.

Love and peace to us all.

Comment by LP on October 14, 2018 at 11:10pm

October 15th - it's my darling Chris' birthday today. I got thought my birthday, our wedding anniversary OK-ish, but this one is really awful. It's raining hard outside and all I want to do is curl up in bed with the cat and dog. But have to go to work today and appear normal in front of my students. So I've got dressed. I've put on a skirt that Chris liked me in and my silver pendant that contains a tiny bit of his ashes. 

My lovely stepdaughter and grandson spent the weekend with me, but it is so hard when they leave. 

I was in the car the other day driving to a grief support group when Thomas Tallis' Spem in alium came on the radio. It was Chris' favourite and it was the music I put on for him the day he lay dying at home nine months ago. I sobbed and howled in the car. This is not getting easier. But on I go. 

Comment by Gary'swife on October 14, 2018 at 7:41pm

Not really have to do with my loss....but my brother's car was stolen 2 weeks ago, found a new one today,but now the key doesn't work in the ignition.  And, a dog we got a couple of months ago appears to have mange...although I was trying everything without chemicals, it's like "wack a mole", so tomorrow will take her to the vet.  Up in the attic today finding all kinds of things of my husbands,which makes me so sad.    Every day it is so hard...now I am taking care of my oldest brother who had a stroke a year ago.  It does fill the void, but as we all know, not really.    I wish I had someone to take care of me.  

Comment by irishlady (jan) on October 14, 2018 at 3:11pm

I am in the process of packing to move to an apartment near my daughter,. In the process of packing, I came across an old carhart jacket of my husbands, It is tattered and very worn. I used to threaten to toss it out, but my husband always begged me not to as he loved it. So, I kept it even after he died...5 years ago. And I will still keep it and move it to the new place. While packing today I smelled it and wore it for a bit and thought of him and our life and how I miss him so and how he suffered at the end. I have done a lot of purging with this move to make it easier on my kids when they have to move me, but this old tattered, worn jacket will stay with me as a few other pieces of his clothes have and some of his belongings and tools.I don't know if I will ever get rid of them, but for now they give me comfort. But a sad, tiring day for me today.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on October 14, 2018 at 1:18pm

Oh Riet, hugs.

It is so hard to accept and I probably haven't. Not really.

I gave lots of books away, many tools, most clothes. I still have a few things.

The hardest thing was dismantling some of his cement form arches in our yard so I could sell the house. It is hard.

I'm like you, not really religious though I am spiritual.

Be easy on yourself. Be gentle with yourself. This is the hardest thing we face and there is no right or wrong way. When you feel what you are feeling, stop and breathe. Taking on the universal questions when you are feeling so much is not easy.

I don't have any answers for you. It isn't fair. But what do we do with that? I choose to thrive in this new life of mine. My mother was the model for this.

Hugs. Take care.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on October 14, 2018 at 12:57pm

@riet:  I long ago abandoned any attempts to try to make sense out of the universe.  It is so much easier, and really more sensible, to just recognize that the universe is random and stuff happens.  There are things we can't always control.  I have a sister who thinks that because she is vegetarian, eats only organic foods, and gets regular exercise, that she'll never get cancer.  Perhaps this improves her odds, but it offers no guarantees.  And she DOES have osteoporosis.

NONE of us gets out of here alive.

There is freedom in stopping trying to look for fairness in the universe.  Hopefully we learn some things in our journeys around the sun.  That's the best I can come up with right now.

One reason I started going through things immediately is that I wanted to start while I was still numb enough to do it.  

Last week I consigned my husband's ashes to the turquoise Caribbean sea.  And yet I still have one of his blazers, two dress shirts, and two storage bins with clothes, memorabilia, and an old, dirty, stuffed gorilla named Macbeth.  I don't even know why I keep Macbeth; it pre-dates when my husband even knew me.  But I do.

Comment by riet on October 14, 2018 at 12:14pm

At almost 6 months, I thought it would be good to start to clean up the shed. My husband was a collector of all technical stuff.  And mostly of car parts, new or old.  That shed was filled to the roof.  

For me and our kids, this stuff meant nothing, or so I thought.  A dear friend offered to help with the tidying up.  We worked there for about 2 days. And divided the good and the worn stuff. Our friend took a lot with him: things we did not even knew the name of.

But after those two days, I felt as tired as never before. And only can think:  no more tidying up for the next months.  We'll wait at least till after winter.

Because  everything that went away, more or less broke my heart.  I saw again with how much care and enthusiasm he collected all this.

And how it collected a lot of dust in the 4 years of his illness.

And I suddenly felt the pain he must have felt, leaving all of this. Not being able to take care of anything anymore.

Not of the stuff, not of us.

I became so angry and sad because of the cruelty of life. I am not religious, nor was my husband.  But I can't help asking, why, why why.

I see now, every life, every love is a drama, because it has to end.  I more or less accept that.  But the suffering before he died, I cannot. 

At this moment, I am very upset with that.  I can't get it out of my head. And it makes me feel vey very tired.

I respect religious people a lot. And I can see the comfort in believing.  But that doesn't help me for a bit.  Because I only know: this suffering should not have come to my husband, and not to anyone else. 

It took away all dignity.   

I wished so badly that he should not have experienced this. Somehow I should have protected him.

I have to take it a bit more easy, because now I have very little energy left.

hugs to all of you

Comment by Just.me on October 11, 2018 at 5:07am

Thank you Tess. I’m a Hallmark watcher too! I get that. Happy endings are comforting. I appreciate your comments and advice.

Comment by Tess on October 10, 2018 at 3:50pm

Hi Just.me. At just over two years out, I do feel your pain. It is hard to conjure up enthusiasm when there is none to be had.

I adopted small ways to at least make myself feel content, since happiness is so elusive. I don't apologize for watching Hallmark movies where everything is wonderful and tied up in a neat bow at the end. Since my life cannot be that way, I get the happy ending vicariously.

I especially identify with not wanting to make commitments. I also have a fear of not following through, so instead of getting caught in inaction, I just don't commit to things unless they are short term.

Maybe just try to accept that you have limitations right now. Otherwise, not only are you unable to follow through with these activities, you guilt yourself for not being able to do so.

For the life of me, I don't understand how people transform their grief into something positive. I can't get there, at least not yet. Maybe for you and me there will be a point where everything becomes clear and the path doesn't seem so full of obstacles.

Hugs

 

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