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Born in the 50s

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Comment by Barzan on November 13, 2018 at 12:38pm

I have to add to this thread.  For the first few years I felt dead inside.  I had to keep reminding myself to breathe.  By the next few years, I felt as if I was drugged and just going through the motions.  The next few years I sought out the sunlight and now in my 7th year, I count more happy days and less broken ones.  Everyone one of us is unique yet alike as we travel this path.

With the holidays coming up, we all need to be present for each other because it’s always a rough ride.

Blessings and hugs to all,

Suzan

Comment by Melissa on November 13, 2018 at 11:40am

LP, I think about that sometimes. I'm stumbling around in the dark, but there are lanterns here. I'm so grateful.

Comment by CarLady on November 13, 2018 at 10:35am

Dear chef John, thank you for your poignant, thoughtful and heartfelt post. I’m at the 5 yr mark and your words ring all the notes of our “ever-after” journey so accurately.  I do hope those in the early days/months find comfort from those of us who are a little further along the path.  Hugs from Toronto.  

Comment by LP on November 13, 2018 at 10:06am

These posts are really moving and helpful to me  I haven’t passed the year mark, but I’m already thinking about it as winter comes. For me, it’ll be 28th February. I’m dreading the thought that everyone else will think I should be “over” it. So thank you all for your insights. I feel like I’m groping my way in the dark through Widowland and we all help each other with lanterns to guide the way. 

Comment by chef (John) on November 13, 2018 at 9:45am

You will always miss him, Shelly. After a time, it will hurt less, but you can appreciate that fact only in hindsight.

The fact you're past the one-year mark does not mean that everything suddenly (and miraculously) changes--although Those-Who-Don't-Get-It will always be dumb enough to tell you that you should "be over it by now". Just continue to be kind/gentle to yourself. Year I is all about survival, and Year II turns into "OK, now...What...?"

Melissa is right--after a time, you will gradually get caught up in the rhythms of your new life. It doesn't mean that you totally forget about your husband, but it does mean that you learn that you can learn to trust your own judgments--even make some mistakes, from which you'll learn. As much as I had wished for a road map when I was new to this back in 2011, I ended up discovering that I had to draw the *&^% thing myself. Keep posting and reading. In time people who are new to our situation will look to you for advice--and you will then be able to listen to and help them. You may be thinking I am being flip, but it will happen. Remember that everyone's journey forward is different, so (even though we all do it), try not to compare yourself with anyone else.

Hugs from Cleveland.

Comment by shelley on November 12, 2018 at 8:54pm

Thanks, Melissa.  Yes, I thought 'I made it through one whole year!'  This must be a milestone.  Life must get better.  But no. It's just on to year two.  Another year without him.  Makes no sense to me.  But it is what it is.  Yuck.   

Comment by Melissa on November 12, 2018 at 8:15pm

I know, Shelley. I thought something would change after the first anniversary. We made it a whole year! Shouldn't just acknowledging that strength help us feel a little better?

Nope. Not for me. If anything, it feels worse in certain ways. I don't even know how to describe it; maybe it just seems truer now, after a year. He's really not coming back, and life keeps right on moving. There is just no choice but to move with it, even if I don't seem to be going anywhere.

I know you miss him, Shelley. We always will. My heart is with you.

Comment by shelley on November 12, 2018 at 12:32pm

So... made it through the first anniversary of my husband's death on Saturday.  Thinking of it as just another awful day, although a notable awful day, helped.  But now I'm crying all the time, all day, Sunday & Monday.  I'm so sad.  What gives?  I know there's no figuring grief out, it has a life of its own.  But...  any ideas, experiences?  It feels a little like 'I can't believe it's been a year and now I'm entering year two'.  And, of course, as always, I miss him so much.  

Comment by Melissa on November 9, 2018 at 10:27am

Those YouTube relaxation videos have helped me a lot too, TP. They even have some that go on for 12 hours, so you can just have them going all night.

I got an app for my phone called Calm. It has all kinds of sounds and pictures and meditation things that are very helpful for me. I tend to hyperventilate, so the breathing section is good for me. 

Do whatever helps. There doesn't seem to be any logic in good days and bad days. I wish you more good days.

Take care~

Comment by TP on November 9, 2018 at 6:37am

This sure is a roller coaster.  After a couple days of making some progress, today is painful, and I don't really know why.  Waking up crying has been going on intermittently since my wife was diagnosed, but I haven't woke up this sad in sometime. I've used 'you tube' for many subjects and recently came across a meditative sounds type of listen.  While my wife was ill she often had such music on to relax and even while she slept. Her condition forced her to sleep sitting up for over a year.... plus she  was light years ahead of me regarding anything spiritual or mind body. I can only say it seems to help. As I've (always) had trouble meditating / praying or even being silent ... these are helping calm my mind. 

 

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