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Born in the 50s

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Comment by booktime (Susan) on December 8, 2018 at 2:40am

Shelley, I sold and bought 3 years after Ed died. I did not have the travel issue (my commute was 17 minutes!) but there were many things that came to light after 3 years. For me, I did not have the close neighbor and friend network. That became more clear as time passed by. Then, again for me, the house symbolized Ed's and my dreams together. It became unbearable, for me, to continue to live there and try to continue those dreams.

I sold and bought pretty quickly. I now live in the town I work in - commute is 1 minute! I do not have any regrets for doing this.  But I am glad I waited until my path became more clear. Those first two years were too difficult. And it was during those first two years I did have more connection with the neighbors but then that all but just about ended.

I guess I join everyone else in encouraging you to wait. I know the travel is ghastly. And I don't see your original post which was excellent in detailing what you were facing. But if there was a way to find an easier commuting pattern, that's what I would encourage.

Hugs to you - it is so hard.

Comment by riet on December 8, 2018 at 2:04am


If you want to move, it is very important to consider the following: you can not do without close friends and acquaintances. Last Tuesday, I ended up unexpectedly at the hospital. I broke my hip replacement.
Without all the kind help I received, I would not have known what to do.
And now I am very well looked after by all possible friends, family and acquaintances.

Comment by Melissa on December 7, 2018 at 10:50am

Shelley, for what it's worth, I often think of your little home in Santa Cruz, and how much I would love to live there. It sounds like a safe, concerned, loving community who would be there if help is needed or companionship is desired.

Maybe I'm romanticizing it, but it sounds wonderful to me.

I'm not suggesting that you make any decisions now, just sharing my thoughts. Take care.

Comment by shelley on December 7, 2018 at 10:08am

I accidentally deleted my post.  Is there a way to get it back?

Comment by shelley on December 7, 2018 at 10:07am

Thanks so much, all.  I really value your opinions.  I know how fortunate I am to have options and resources.  I'm just so tired- traveling/driving 500+ miles each week.  Really want to settle in somewhere.  Hopefully at the end of year two the choice will be clear.  Thanks again. 

Comment by CarLady on December 7, 2018 at 6:29am

Dear Shelley, I agree it would be best to hold off on making big decisions a while longer.  Grief counseling advised to wait 2 years if possible.  It’s been 5 years since my DH passed, the first 2 were a complete fog and I found looking after the house, gardens, snow removal, etc overwhelming on my own.  I was working so I paid for some of these services. Fast forward today - I’m still in my house but retired this year and so glad I stayed. This is the house my husband and I bought when we first married 39 years ago. I have many long/time friends and neighbours on the street and within walking distance and I’m included in many social events. If I’d moved I’d be missing out, possibly living where I don’t know anyone close by.  I became terribly ill with a virus in February 2018 and my neighbours checked on me, shopped for me and drove me to appointments until I was back on my feet again.  And, sometimes I feel my husbands presence in this house he loved so much.  If I hadn’t stuck it out through the first 2 years I’m not sure I’d still be living here.  My children live in the city but not in the neighbourhood so I feel there’s support for me here, at least for a while.  Bed wishes with your decision.  Hugs. 

Comment by Barzan on December 7, 2018 at 5:55am

Shelley, I agree with TP.  I would hold off on making any big moves so soon.  I know the feeling of restlessness in the first few years of loss.  I would only suggest that you stay put for a while.  You may appreciate all the people in the SF area that know and remember your husband.  That is one of the things I relish even after 7 years - to have friends that keep his memory alive for me.  

Comment by TP on December 7, 2018 at 1:12am

Shelley,  I give you credit for outlining what / where your options are,  I have similar choices to make but I'm only 61/2 months in and just dealing with Christmas.  I would add to your Syracuse option the word "winters."  The northeast is wonderful in summer, but I'm finding a real intolerance for the cold the last couple years. As a friend said to me when I discussed living in florida, "visit in July,"  meaning come at its worst and see how you like it. My best to you, and as you alluded to, don't rush into anything, we're so very vulnerable.

Comment by Barzan on December 5, 2018 at 7:18am

It's been 7 years and I still find it hard to decorate for Christmas.  It's a joyous holiday that I find no joy in.  Kind of feel like a zombie going through the motions.  

I volunteer for the Holiday gift market and give an open house party every year.  I get together with friends and family around the holiday but just can't muster up the holiday spirit.  

If only he were still here.  

Comment by Allan_sch on December 5, 2018 at 6:50am

This will be the first anniversary, Christmas and New year without my wife of 31 years 

i think about her everyday. Having trouble getting the Christmas tree decorations up

she loved celebrating the holidays with the family. I’m trying to live up to her Traditions


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