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Born in the 50s

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Members: 751
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Discussion Forum

Camp Widow San Diego

Started by Kathy. Last reply by Dianne in Nevada Jul 9. 8 Replies

social security widow/widower benefits

Started by Lissa. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Jun 27. 16 Replies

Crazy - taxes

Started by KJPE. Last reply by cupspinner Apr 10. 4 Replies

Comment Wall


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Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on February 11, 2019 at 7:05am

@reit:  You're not the only one who's had something like this happen.  The area I live in has soil that shifts, so there are times when doors in my house close properly and times they don't.  One day I couldn't get the closet door open and I thought maybe I had locked it from the inside.  I called a locksmith who came in and the door opened perfectly.  Cost me 89 bucks.  I felt stupid.

Comment by riet on February 11, 2019 at 6:58am

I have to tell you this silly story. I went to the garage this morning. The only thing that was wrong with the car were ..... my ears. No strange noises. Only panic too soon. So this whole situation would not have happened to my husband. Fortunately, the people in the garage were full of understanding. Well .. it is what it is. Problem solved. This at least.

Comment by Tess on February 11, 2019 at 6:55am

Susan and Barzan, please understand that I am happy that you two have found your footing in this new role that we all have been forced to undertake. But not everyone is able to establish a new life that is not overshadowed by a veil of gloom. This doesn't mean that we, and I include myself in this struggling group, don't participate in some of the activities that you mentioned. It just means that we are devoid of the typical joy that should be associated with them. I wish we all could feel that every day is a gift, which it should be, but it isn't a smooth transition.

Comment by Barzan on February 11, 2019 at 6:04am

Susan,  I was thinking the same thing.  I've been into this new life for 7 years now and have worked hard at creating this life.  It definitely is not as fulfilling as it was with my love but I am still alive and find joy in that.  After I retired, I go to the rec center to work out, I volunteer at a performing art center, I design jewelry and travel as funds allow.  I have good and loyal friends that I get together with for various functions.  

I still miss him terribly but I know he wants me to be happy and enjoy life.  We have beautiful sunrises here in Colorado and am thrilled every morning to see it.  I live in the foothills of the Rockies and never get tired of them.  

Hugs to all,


Comment by booktime (Susan) on February 11, 2019 at 4:10am

I am so sad to read these hopeless sounding words from many of you. I don't have any answers, only what is working for me. Mary Oliver wrote:

Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

My life is still precious even without my beloved. I am on the cusp of retirement and look forward to time unscheduled. I look forward to being present in whatever moment it is: weaving or spinning, meeting a friend, traveling.

I might say my life is precious because of my beloved. I would  not be who I am today without him. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

Don't get me wrong: I miss him, some moments intensely.

But I have this life, perhaps for a reason. I don't think the reason is to make a change in anyone's life save mine. If I live for 25 years more (my mom was 96!), I need to make those years count....for me.

Hugs to you all. This is a tough road we walk. I don't say mine is paved and clear by any means. I am just trying to be here in this life.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on February 11, 2019 at 4:00am

@JKPE:  I have found in the five years since my husband died that one of the things I miss most, and makes me the most depressed, is that there is no one who really cares if my plane lands.  When I travel, and the plane lands, everyone else whips out their cell phones to call someone -- and for me there is no one to call. Even my sister doesn't care.

@LP:  Lately I find myself in the same boat as you.  I have spent five years fighting to be positive and optimistic about life, but a year into retirement I find myself wondering why I am even still here.  My purpose seems to have been to get my husband straightened out and into middle age, and having done that, and then losing him, what's the point?  My sister doesn't care.  She has her life and her husband and they travel, and she still resents me for things that happened 30 years ago while she fancies herself to be a life coach for others.  And here I am, still being ghosted by my closest friend in the neighborhood and wondering why. Yesterday I shared a link on Facebook that hurt another friend's feelings, and I spent the afternoon screaming that I am the worst person in the world -- the runaway train of self-loathing was careening down the tracks all day.  Right now I feel it is all just pointless.  

Comment by LP on February 10, 2019 at 10:47pm

I know what Melissa means. I just want to get to the end already. My husband was 20 years  older than me,  I don’t want to live as long as he did - he had me,  but I will have no one (and don’t want to), so all I want is to get the rest of life over with. 

Im so sorry your children are not understanding. In a way, though, it’s nice for them that they don’t understand  yet the particular pain of losing a spouse..they may one day, and then they’ll realise what you are going through.

Comment by KJPE on February 10, 2019 at 7:07pm

Sending healing thoughts & prayers to all of you - all the stress of grieving surely makes each of us less able to resist the various health problems that we might otherwise miss.  I keep being surprised by intense grief at situations that wouldn't have occurred to me.  I went to a conference this week, and as soon as I arrived at my hotel room, I felt myself sinking into a black mood.  I realized it was because I would always call him when I was away conferencing, and I found myself feeling desperately unhappy because I wanted so much to call and hear his voice.  I've always been shy at conferences and he was always so reassuring and comforting.  I also thought 2 or 3 times about needing to shop for a small gift for him, as I always brought something back in the past.  This is so hard.... 

Comment by irishlady (jan) on February 10, 2019 at 2:33pm

Riet...I am going through the same thing with my car. It started making a funny noise and I had to take it to the garage. A costly repair looming. I say this all the time,..this new life is so much more difficult than when my beloved husband was here. I would tell him of the noise and he would have checked it out and told me to not worry, it's this or that or it's such and such and we'll need to deal with it in a while. I know nothing of cars. I have sons who could help but one is not talking to me, one lives too far and the other just doesn't want to get involved. I am so tired of having to deal with everything from simple to difficult all alone. I miss my helpmate. I depended on him so much for the 43 years we were married. 

Comment by Melissa on February 10, 2019 at 2:16pm

My son just told me to stop being so dramatic and to grow up. This was because I told him about my health issues. My sister has nothing to do with me.

I have one son who lives with me and is very kind, but most of my friends live in other states and I can't see them. 

I know you know what I mean when I say I don't want any part of this life. I don't mean I'll kill myself, but I am really looking forward to the day I go to be with Gilbert. If there is no afterlife, then I look forward to the nothingness.

People don't realize that we are so vulnerable and are hurt so easily by comments they just brush off. I wonder if we will always feel so raw.


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