This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."


Born in the 50s

Groups are a place to connect with others you have something in common with. Please get acquainted here and make friends anywhere on the site.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is the group greeter.

Members: 751
Latest Activity: 4 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Camp Widow San Diego

Started by Kathy. Last reply by Dianne in Nevada Jul 9. 8 Replies

social security widow/widower benefits

Started by Lissa. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Jun 27. 16 Replies

Crazy - taxes

Started by KJPE. Last reply by cupspinner Apr 10. 4 Replies

Comment Wall


You need to be a member of Born in the 50s to add comments!

Comment by KJPE on February 14, 2019 at 5:41pm
Comment by KJPE on February 14, 2019 at 1:23pm

@NolongerinBergenJC -- I actually chuckled to myself when I read about you having to take naps.  Grief is exhausting, it takes up a lot of energy that used to be there for other things.  I fall asleep reading or watching TV in the evening now, even more than before my beloved husband died. PS I lived in Teaneck many years ago, and still remember it vividly.  I'm sure it's changed since then - 1978-9.

Comment by chef (John) on February 14, 2019 at 10:55am

@Roxi: What you're feeling--the mixture of emotions (probably in rapid succession)--is, sadly. quite normal. You are not alone in this, and I applaud you for knowing that you are not "wrong". 

@LP: Agreed. I still marvel at the ignorance of those who don't-get-it.

@NoLongerInBergenJC: We all process at our own rates. I'm sorry that your husband had those small strokes and was difficult for so long. My wife had a personality change, but it lasted only a few months before she died. If you don't mind my putting an oar in (where it may not belong), I would suggest that you contact a grief therapist (or more, if the first doesn't work out). I have a friend (also a widower) who is still seeing a grief therapist intermittently six years after his wife died. As I said, just a suggestion...

I would also agree with NoLongerInBergenJC that grief is not linear. I used to think I was slowly going insane when I found myself laughing and crying at the same time, back in "the early days" of being a widower. (I am now at the 7.5-year mark.) 

Hugs to all.


Comment by Roxi on February 12, 2019 at 7:28am

I want to thanks all of you who write about this sad and hard journey...i'm overwhelming by emotions as anger desperation sadness feel guilt and thanks of you i know i'm not alone and i'm not wrong!!! Ciao roxi

Comment by LP on February 12, 2019 at 6:59am

I think it's important for all of us to be able to acknowledge our feelings and accept that - for better or worse - those feelings are real and we are entitled to feel the way we do. Goodness knows we get enough people among the "un-widowed" telling us we "should" feel this way or that way. The point is that, whether we feel despair, acceptance, gratitude or anger, these are the feelings we in fact have, and as such they are valid. 

Comment by LP on February 12, 2019 at 6:54am

Thank you for that, Maggie. Beautiful poem. 

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on February 12, 2019 at 3:33am

I think we need to realize that grief is not linear.  It's not something you go through, and/or purge out, and then you're OK and "move on."  I am five years out and in the middle of a terrible sense of wondering why I am still here and not wanting to be here.  And yesterday I read a Facebook post by a friend who lost his partner almost 20 years ago and is also in the middle of a funk.  For me it was triggered by the sudden ghosting by a friend I thought I was close to, and the sudden death of the husband of someone I didn't know personally but had run into at my sister's parties. And my sister does not want me reaching out to her, insisting that she already has a support system.

I find myself wondering if I would still be in this funk if I'd been able to (and allowed myself to) process my grief when my husband first died.  It's not that I didn't, in fact, the way I felt yesterday where I took three naps and was still exhausted all day, felt all too familiar.  But I was so determined to be "just fine" that I think I pushed a lot own.  My grief is complicated by the fact that my husband had become very difficult in the last decade of his life and I could not have known that he'd been experiencing a series of small strokes that changed his personality.  So there is guilt and anger and other toxic things along with the grief.  

I let it out when it comes, but it only comes out in spurts of maybe five minutes and then I have to take a nap.

Comment by KJPE on February 11, 2019 at 8:41pm

LostandSad - here is my experience and I hope it can help you.  I think about my beloved husband frequently.  the more vivid my memory, at this early time in my loss & grief, the more I cry & despair.  When I'm alone, I cry and cry, I let as much out as I can.  After I do that, I feel a little better for awhile.  I hope you will let yourself think of your husband & let yourself cry and be angry & have all the feelings that you have.  This is the only way to get through this grief we are all experiencing:  stopping the thoughts & the emotions just postpones and prolongs your grief.

Comment by KJPE on February 11, 2019 at 8:36pm

It is so normal & even expected to feel hopeless sometimes when we are in the middle of intense grief.  What helps me is this:  when I am feeling the worst sadness, anger, despair, I always remind myself that I am in early grief, and that I will not always feel as I feel at that moment (even now, typing this, I'm feeling better than I did at the conference I wrote about 2 days ago).  Emotions come and emotions also go.  And all of us get "breaks" from the crying -- dinner with a friend, a movie, even TV.  Right now I feel better when I can see breaks coming up ahead.  

Comment by LostandSad on February 11, 2019 at 8:29pm


I understand exactly how you feel. I can’t even handle thinking about my husband for one minute. I hurry and brush him out of my mind as quickly as possible and try to think of something else. I don’t want to remember all the memories and all the happy times and how he loved me and how he took care of me like I was a piece of gold. It’s WAY too painful. My life for the last 30 years seems like just a dream. Doesn’t even seem real compared to how horrid and depressing it is now. 


Members (751)


© 2019   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service