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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

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Born in the 50s

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Dating

Started by Mike. Last reply by Alysoun Nov 30, 2018. 24 Replies

Buying A House

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Comment by Roxi on February 12, 2019 at 7:28am

I want to thanks all of you who write about this sad and hard journey...i'm overwhelming by emotions as anger desperation sadness feel guilt and thanks of you i know i'm not alone and i'm not wrong!!! Ciao roxi

Comment by LP on February 12, 2019 at 6:59am

I think it's important for all of us to be able to acknowledge our feelings and accept that - for better or worse - those feelings are real and we are entitled to feel the way we do. Goodness knows we get enough people among the "un-widowed" telling us we "should" feel this way or that way. The point is that, whether we feel despair, acceptance, gratitude or anger, these are the feelings we in fact have, and as such they are valid. 

Comment by LP on February 12, 2019 at 6:54am

Thank you for that, Maggie. Beautiful poem. 

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on February 12, 2019 at 3:33am

I think we need to realize that grief is not linear.  It's not something you go through, and/or purge out, and then you're OK and "move on."  I am five years out and in the middle of a terrible sense of wondering why I am still here and not wanting to be here.  And yesterday I read a Facebook post by a friend who lost his partner almost 20 years ago and is also in the middle of a funk.  For me it was triggered by the sudden ghosting by a friend I thought I was close to, and the sudden death of the husband of someone I didn't know personally but had run into at my sister's parties. And my sister does not want me reaching out to her, insisting that she already has a support system.

I find myself wondering if I would still be in this funk if I'd been able to (and allowed myself to) process my grief when my husband first died.  It's not that I didn't, in fact, the way I felt yesterday where I took three naps and was still exhausted all day, felt all too familiar.  But I was so determined to be "just fine" that I think I pushed a lot own.  My grief is complicated by the fact that my husband had become very difficult in the last decade of his life and I could not have known that he'd been experiencing a series of small strokes that changed his personality.  So there is guilt and anger and other toxic things along with the grief.  

I let it out when it comes, but it only comes out in spurts of maybe five minutes and then I have to take a nap.

Comment by KJPE on February 11, 2019 at 8:41pm

LostandSad - here is my experience and I hope it can help you.  I think about my beloved husband frequently.  the more vivid my memory, at this early time in my loss & grief, the more I cry & despair.  When I'm alone, I cry and cry, I let as much out as I can.  After I do that, I feel a little better for awhile.  I hope you will let yourself think of your husband & let yourself cry and be angry & have all the feelings that you have.  This is the only way to get through this grief we are all experiencing:  stopping the thoughts & the emotions just postpones and prolongs your grief.

Comment by KJPE on February 11, 2019 at 8:36pm

It is so normal & even expected to feel hopeless sometimes when we are in the middle of intense grief.  What helps me is this:  when I am feeling the worst sadness, anger, despair, I always remind myself that I am in early grief, and that I will not always feel as I feel at that moment (even now, typing this, I'm feeling better than I did at the conference I wrote about 2 days ago).  Emotions come and emotions also go.  And all of us get "breaks" from the crying -- dinner with a friend, a movie, even TV.  Right now I feel better when I can see breaks coming up ahead.  

Comment by LostandSad on February 11, 2019 at 8:29pm

Mellisa, 

I understand exactly how you feel. I can’t even handle thinking about my husband for one minute. I hurry and brush him out of my mind as quickly as possible and try to think of something else. I don’t want to remember all the memories and all the happy times and how he loved me and how he took care of me like I was a piece of gold. It’s WAY too painful. My life for the last 30 years seems like just a dream. Doesn’t even seem real compared to how horrid and depressing it is now. 

Comment by DIVA70 on February 11, 2019 at 8:19pm

Melissa I can certainly relate to how  you are feeling. On April 29,2018 my husband of 47 plus years passed away and on that day I feel as if I died too. It has been almost ten months and I can say that my heartache has not diminished one iota. I come from a very religious family and in their way of thinking every day is a day of celebration. I get where they are coming from but when I wake up each morning the first thing that comes to my mind is why am I still here when my reason to celebrate is not. I do believe that one day I will look at the sun and admire its brightness but I also know that for me the sun will never shine as bright as it did before my husband passed away. I come to this site because I feel I can say what I am actually feeling without having to measure my words. I feel it is that feeling of freedom that is helping me cope. I hope others feel the same and will not leave. Take care and God bless. 

Comment by shelley on February 11, 2019 at 7:29pm

Hey Melissa, I'm sorry you're in so much pain.  

Comment by Melissa on February 11, 2019 at 6:52pm

No need for anybody to leave. I was just expressing my own feelings; that I feel as if I am not doing something right because the path to a fulfilling life is right in front of me and I don't see it. I see a beautiful sunrise and just think, "Huh. It's morning."

Happy memories of my husband just remind me that I will never be happy with him again. As I said, I'm delighted that other people can do that. I can't.

 

 

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