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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

Camp Widow San Diego

Started by Kathy. Last reply by Dianne in Nevada Jul 9. 8 Replies

social security widow/widower benefits

Started by Lissa. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Jun 27. 16 Replies

Crazy - taxes

Started by KJPE. Last reply by cupspinner Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by DIVA70 on February 11, 2019 at 8:19pm

Melissa I can certainly relate to how  you are feeling. On April 29,2018 my husband of 47 plus years passed away and on that day I feel as if I died too. It has been almost ten months and I can say that my heartache has not diminished one iota. I come from a very religious family and in their way of thinking every day is a day of celebration. I get where they are coming from but when I wake up each morning the first thing that comes to my mind is why am I still here when my reason to celebrate is not. I do believe that one day I will look at the sun and admire its brightness but I also know that for me the sun will never shine as bright as it did before my husband passed away. I come to this site because I feel I can say what I am actually feeling without having to measure my words. I feel it is that feeling of freedom that is helping me cope. I hope others feel the same and will not leave. Take care and God bless. 

Comment by shelley on February 11, 2019 at 7:29pm

Hey Melissa, I'm sorry you're in so much pain.  

Comment by Melissa on February 11, 2019 at 6:52pm

No need for anybody to leave. I was just expressing my own feelings; that I feel as if I am not doing something right because the path to a fulfilling life is right in front of me and I don't see it. I see a beautiful sunrise and just think, "Huh. It's morning."

Happy memories of my husband just remind me that I will never be happy with him again. As I said, I'm delighted that other people can do that. I can't.

 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on February 11, 2019 at 3:05pm

Hi Tekwriter,
My husband was killed by a roadrage rage driver - the fury took me to the depths of hell for years ...
1.) Relaxation techniques such as massage, accupunture & energy arts/meditative movement allowed for a gentle, almost controlled, release of tears, anxiety & anger as well as refreshing the mind, body & soul ...

I had standing bi-weekly appointments ...
2.) Letting anger rip in a safe quiet place in your home allows for raw expressions. Grief emotions need to be processed out of the system ...
Pent up emotions can be repetitious till completely released &/or cause irreversible nerve damage such as arthritis - polymyalgia, fibromyalgia, etc &/or worsen existing conditions ...
Try one or all suggestions to help move healing forward ...
Its a matter of learning how to take care of your grieving self ...

Comment by booktime (Susan) on February 11, 2019 at 2:54pm

Not judging at all. I speak from my heart and my life which is different from anyone else's. We travel this road together but we do it in our own way. I was just sad to hear such sadness.

I agree with what Suzan said in response to Tess: not every day is sunny. If you think I am having a great time of this, that seems to be a judgement as well. What I do is what I do. I am not you, Melissa, or anyone else is here. If my story should not be told here either, I won't.

I am sorry you feel judged, Melissa. That was not my intent. I think I said what I do works for me. Where would I get off saying it would work for everyone?

I don't look at this place as a place where judgement is made but stories are told. Personal stories.

I will leave if that helps you, Melissa.

Hugs.

Comment by Melissa on February 11, 2019 at 12:14pm

Something else in common, Shelley. I keep "one wild and precious life" next to my mirror so I can see it every day. 

Yeats as well. "The world's more full of weeping than you can understand."

Riet, I've done that so many times since Gilbert died. Just today there was a notice on my front door that my electricity was going to be turned off if I didn't pay my bill. I did pay my bill, and I panicked. Crying, hysterical. My husband would have said, "It's a mistake. Let me call them." No drama, no hysteria.

I called them and of course, it had been paid and the notice was a mistake. I'm still shaking.

For those of you who are coping well, I am delighted for you. You are blessed.

Those of us who are not doing so well need this place to say so, because there is no one else who gets it. While it's not being said directly, I hear that maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not looking at sunrises correctly or being grateful for the years I had with my husband.

This is our safe place. If we feel judged here, where do we go?

Comment by shelley on February 11, 2019 at 11:16am

Yes, Maggie.  Tennyson, WB Yeats, Dylan Thomas, TS Eliot.  My husband and I would tape record poems for each other.  Can't find them now, know they're somewhere safe.     

Comment by Maggie on February 11, 2019 at 10:42am

Here is a poem I’ve always loved especially the first stanza.

BY ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean, 

Tears from the depth of some divine despair 

Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes, 

In looking on the happy Autumn-fields, 

And thinking of the days that are no more. 

         Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail, 

That brings our friends up from the underworld, 

Sad as the last which reddens over one 

That sinks with all we love below the verge; 

So sad, so fresh, the days that are no more. 

         Ah, sad and strange as in dark summer dawns 

The earliest pipe of half-awaken'd birds 

To dying ears, when unto dying eyes 

The casement slowly grows a glimmering square; 

So sad, so strange, the days that are no more. 

         Dear as remember'd kisses after death, 

And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feign'd 

On lips that are for others; deep as love, 

Deep as first love, and wild with all regret; 

O Death in Life, the days that are no more!

Comment by shelley on February 11, 2019 at 10:18am

booktime Susan, Mary Oliver was one of my husband's favorite poets.  I have shelves full of her poems/books, always love reading them.  Although I've read and re-read her poetry countless times, I often feel like I'm reading something for the first time.  The ... 'one wild and precious life' ... poem is on my refrigerator.  And one of my husband's favorites-  'When it's over, I want to say:  all my life I was a bride married to amazement.  I was the bridegroom taking the world into my arms.'  So glad to share Mary Oliver with you.  

Comment by Barzan on February 11, 2019 at 7:29am

Tess, Please know that I am not making light of struggles.  I am just relieved and grateful that I was able to swim to shore after nearly drowning in my sadness.  Not ever day is sunny for me and I accept the good days with the bad.  I just found a way for myself to push through those days by looking at my loss as how many wonderful years I had with my husband.  

Hugs to you and be kind to yourself,

Suzan

 

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