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Born in the 50s

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Comment by booktime (Susan) on February 24, 2019 at 2:21am

Suzan, photos! I have been doing the same tho it's going thru my own photos. I am tossing many but I have found quite a few of Ed ... and I experienced the same warmth. And a gratitude. Plus some smiles as I remembered what was happening in those photos. I even put one on my bureau, replacing another one.

The others I have put into a book along with some other pictures I'm not quite ready to throw.

It's a process. I'm in my 6th year.

Riet, keep telling your story. Words are powerful. It's a process for you. Remember, day by day, moment by moment for now. 

I am remembering to live in the moment.


Comment by riet on February 23, 2019 at 11:30pm

Dear Suzan,
I am so very happy that you feel good and finally let go of the loss of your dear husband. I hope you will feel happy. I also hope to get to know those feelings of gratitude. But I am not there yet. I do not even seem to take a step forward.
I'm even angry for all the things he was happy with. The flowers in the garden, spring that comes. Are tools that stand there. And inside the house, all his books, his music, his car and train models. How can they be there, and he can not?
I did not see all this coming. People tell me that it will be better if I can get outside a bit more. But I do not want to: I want to crawl away in his chair, with his blanket around me. And see nothing.
I oppose this, but it is what I actually want.
This morning I will read this site, and in the afternoon I will help with the group of volunteers in our village.
Nobody let me down. How can I feel so bad? And no prospect of improvement. I shared everything with him, joy and sadness as the cliché says. But it was like that.
It is so difficult to miss him and to know that it is forever.
Yesterday I watched my children and grandchildren and tried to see the similarities with my husband, I listened to their voice and tried to hear him.
That is very wrong, I know. My husband would not approve this. Our kids are personalities themselves. I respect that. I will try to live as he would like it. He was so much more practical as I was. Stood so much more with both his feet on the ground. He had simple solutions for things that I see as a big problem.
And now ... how should it continue?
We both came from a difficult family. Growing up in Europe after the war, with all these frustrated and unhappy people, was not very simple.
This meant that together we hung much more together. Determined to have a better life as our families, to enjoy everything more. That was successful .... together. But ... to go on alone was not foreseen. Actually we lived together in a dream world. We were so lucky with each other and our  children and grandchildren. With our modest existence. We enjoyed every moment.
He would like me to remember these beautiful times and go on like that. I really want that. Why then am I every morning like a worthless rag, who must seek courage far away?
Thank you all for the opportunity I have to tell this story here. Again and again.

Comment by Barzan on February 23, 2019 at 8:18pm

I’ve been doing really well managing my grief after 7 1/2 years of my husband passing.  Last night I had a very vivid dream about him.  He had told me that he was leaving me for good and I should accompany him one last time to say goodbye to his dad.  In all the dreams I’ve ever had with him in it, never had he spoken.  And all these years, I felt his presence as I grew emotionally more stable in my grief.  Now I feel abandoned but also know that my time has come to stand strong on my feet untethered.  

Ive been going through boxes of old photos I retrieved from my mother’s house and found a handful with him in them.  I used to get weepy and sad but this time I just felt a warmth looking at the photos.  Is this a sign that I’ve crossed that bridge where the pain of loss is changing to gratitude for having had him in my life?  I don’t know.  Was the dream a sign or just another dream?  

Im just heading off to bed and had to write this while it was fresh in my mind.  

Hugs to all and be kind to yourselves.


Comment by Tekwriter on February 20, 2019 at 7:11am

This is the only place I post where I do not think I am crazy. I do not think any one other than another widow or widower understands what it is like.

Comment by Ultra2015 on February 20, 2019 at 7:07am

Thank you everyone for sharing on this page.  It is so helpful to hear other stories.  I lost Sandi after three years fighting MBD (after 18 years of treatments for Brest cancer). Those last three years were so terrible for her.  She was truly the love of my life and I cant believe its been 14 months.  I haven’t really accepted it yet.  It is so exhausting.  The emotions are so strong.  I get up everyday wondering what am I going to do now.  I just miss her so much.  I know it is early in my grief and things will change... they must do, but many days I just want to say F-this as others on the blog have said.  Anyway, thank you for sharing, it helps.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on February 19, 2019 at 3:14pm

Just to add: I just put the pictures in the photo book. What good memories they bring! I was not ready for this but now I am. There is one picture that will keep folks guessing: of a sunrise. I remember that sunrise. We were cozy in bed and he made me get out to take the picture! Why me, I asked! But I got out and took the picture and I'm glad I did.

I am full of all sorts of memories tonight.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on February 19, 2019 at 1:30pm

Today I was talking with a woman who lost her husband almost a year ago. I just let her know I was thinking of her and her eyes filled with tears as she said how hard it was leading up to the day, knowing what he had gone through a year ago.

I told her much of what I have said here - it doesn't get better but it gets different. I told her that I did something this past weekend I could not have done a few years ago. I was going thru all my photos and pulling the ones of Ed. I think if I had done this even 2 years ago, I would have wept. Instead, I found myself smiling at all the pictures of him and saying to myself I know you! I remember you! I am going to make a "book of Ed" from all of the pictures.

So why was I able to do this without tears? I miss him no less but now I am remembering him with such love and feeling so very lucky I had him.

I told this to the woman and she said something, smiling as she did. We hugged and she left.

I guess I just want to say to Riet, Roxi, KJPE, and others - you are still in the raw grief. I remember that.

It does get different. And the smiles and memories become good.

Keep on coming here tho - it is good to share and we all help each other.


Comment by Roxi on February 19, 2019 at 8:19am

ciao i'm feeling the same, laugh and talking with friends outside, feeling miserable and lonely inside my house...without him!!! it's really painful to know there's no way to see him again...tears make me feel better...i can't now but i think i have to accept the hard truth of the life. thank you all for your experience shared...thank to chef for your kind words and encouragement ciao roxi 

Comment by KJPE on February 19, 2019 at 7:22am

4 months since the love of my life left life.  Thank goodness for friends and family:  I can laugh and enjoy time with them, pray, go to the theater.  But 15 minutes after leaving them, when I'm on my way to my home where I now dwell solo, I am sobbing.  One does not cancel out the other.  It's just the dual nature of my existence right now.  It's the unspent love with nowhere to go that comes leaking out of my eyes, settles in my chest, and is the lump in my throat.  thank you all for sharing your experiences.  I wouldn't have wished this on any of you,but hearing your stories makes me feel understood.  Hugs to you all.

Comment by Barzan on February 19, 2019 at 6:44am

Dear Riet,  Reading you post made me think back to the years before my love passed away.  I am remembering one of the things I missed the most.  My husband and I were still working before he passed.  I would always call him to tell him I was leaving work and on my way home.  He'd always say for me to stay safe and we said "I love you" before hanging up.  I always looked forward to getting home and getting a hug and a kiss upon arrival.  After he died, I continued working and I would just look at my cell phone and know I had no one to call who'd be waiting for me at home.  It may be a little thing but it was a very important part of our lives.  

Hugs to you, Suzan


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