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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

Crazy - taxes

Started by KJPE. Last reply by cupspinner Apr 10. 4 Replies


Started by Mike. Last reply by Alysoun Nov 30, 2018. 24 Replies

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Comment by riet on February 28, 2019 at 4:32am

Tess and Susan,

Good to read that you are slowly but surely on the way to processing the great farewell of your loved one.
I hope to come so far as well. Reading your stories reconciles me with the idea that it can take years.
I even seem to be unable to accept his death even to this day.
It is so true: what I did was to make him proud. I did an extra special for him. I do not see the need to do that for myself.
I really miss his support and encouragement. And after 10 months I can not dispose of much stuff from him.
A neighbor has just made a monument in her garden for her deceased daughter. I asked my children if we had to do the same for my husband. But they said: no monument here for Dad. The whole garden is his monument. That is beautiful, but also difficult.
I wish you all lived around the corner, so that we could have a drink or meal together and comfort each other.
In any case, this website really comforts me. Thank you all

Comment by Tess on February 28, 2019 at 3:55am

Thanks for responding Susan. Wow, this is not a journey for the faint of heart for sure. It is like trying to walk through 12 inch mud, just slogging it bit by bit. I wish I could fast-forward past the constant re-adjustments.

I like your term self-ease. That is probably the most I will ever hope for in this life as self-love seems far too elusive.

You should be proud. Your weaving and spinning sound awesome. I keep telling my daughter that I want us to get a place to raise sheep so I can shear them and do the same. Wishful thinking, but that would be so neat.

I am moving to be with her and am feeling overwhelmed by the amount of steps I need to take to get there. Cleaning the house of 29 years of stuff, doing minor repairs, deciding what furniture to store or ditch. Ugggh!

Hugs back.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on February 28, 2019 at 3:03am

Tess, this resonates for me. It's a feeling I still have and realize that I am not number one in anyone else's eyes right now.

Where it really affected me in the first few years was he always always gave me such positive feedback and support for my weaving and spinning. It took me a few years to get back into those crafts because I missed his voice so much. 

I would say it is in these last couple of years I have begun to find my own comfort in these activities. When did that begin? I'm in my 6th year so it took 3 or 4 years. It's hard but we can do this.

Self-love? I don't know if I have that. Self-ease, yes. I am more acclimated to this new normal and can find good times.

I get what you are saying about encouragement. Ed did that for me too.

I guess I am beginning to make myself proud of myself! If that makes any sense.


Comment by Tess on February 28, 2019 at 2:48am

I took a walk yesterday and I realized something that I hadn't put together until now, 2 and 1/2 years after my husband's death. I accomplished so much while he was living, obstacles and personal goals. I haven't done badly since his death, though the obstacles have been of a different nature. It is such a struggle now because he is not here to be my encouragement. I think what I did, I did to make him proud. He may have been the first person in my life to do that as profoundly as he did. That is the greatest loss for me right now. I can't see what he saw when he looked at me and was so proud. Self-love is not my greatest virtue.

Comment by chef (John) on February 27, 2019 at 10:02am


Two years is...two years, so grumpy and a short temper is...normal. Getting used to this new life is its own process, so take as long as you need.

Your being on Facebook or sending texts/emails to others is still a form of socializing/communication/reaching out to others, so I would say that you ought to continue doing this. 


Comment by Muns on February 25, 2019 at 7:33am

I also have been pretty grumpy and short tempered lately.  It's so hard to feel positive.  It will be 2 years soon and although I am handling my life and emotions much better, I always feeling positive something bad is going to happen.  It is therapy for me to read all your posts and it helps me to know you all understand.

My husband and I did most things as a couple.  Now I decline more invitations than I accept.  It's getting to the point where friends are not including me anymore.  That's okay.  I find comfort in staying in my safe place instead of socializing alone.  I still like reading Facebook.  It keeps me in touch with my friends that we had together.  Sometimes it does make me sad that we used to be part of all that but I still care about how they are doing.  

Hugs to all of you.  Hold on to those memories, they are what keeps me going.

Comment by Barzan on February 25, 2019 at 5:46am

Tess and LP,  I've been there.  Even now when I join friends out for dinner, I'm the odd one.  I had often thought (around years 1-3) wait until you're in my shoes.  I care about my friends so would never wish death to a spouse but maybe to not be so happy.  At year 7, I'm okay with not being a pair.  I also was short tempered and things would set me off that never had before.  I promise that these things will get better.  

KJPE, You will find that photos will bring a smile to your face down the road.  


Comment by Tekwriter on February 25, 2019 at 5:43am

I stayed on facebook. For the first few months I just didn't comment on anyone and even now sometimes I say nothing when I am sad. I mostly only post about grief. There are days I am surprised I have any friends left at all but they are all still there and are extremely supportive so I count myself fortunate.

Comment by LP on February 25, 2019 at 3:37am

I too have come off Facebook. The relentless cheerfulness of others only puts my own unhappiness into sharper relief. I feel bad about that, since I think I ought to feel good for the good fortune of friends, but I’m just not there yet. One year this Thursday. 

Comment by Tess on February 25, 2019 at 1:28am

Shelly, your post really resonated with me. I could have written that last part. I told my therapist that I felt I was "surly" which I thought was a perfect description. I have always been a glass half empty person to begin with, but now with widowhood has presented even more of a reason to be so.

I don't know that I outright resent others' happiness, but I stay away from it as much as I can - facebook, etc. I can't surface for air if I am of the mindset that other people are light years from me as far as their lives and contentment. I just don't know how to get there myself, or if I ever will.


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