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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

Crazy - taxes

Started by KJPE. Last reply by cupspinner Apr 10. 4 Replies

Dating

Started by Mike. Last reply by Alysoun Nov 30, 2018. 24 Replies

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Comment by Gary'swife on March 13, 2019 at 7:29pm

@KJPE   So sorry.  5 months is such a short time.  It's nice this site is helpful to you.  Sending hugs.

Comment by Gary'swife on March 13, 2019 at 7:28pm

Watching Netflix tonight and a show called "After Life" came up.  It has Ricky Gervais in it, as a man whose wife died of cancer.  I wasn't sure I could watch it, and I probably could not have before, but as it's been 5 years I don't burst into tears, but am a bit comforted by some of the things the characters go through.  

Comment by KJPE on March 13, 2019 at 5:59pm

PS Yesterday was 5 months since my darling left this world.

Comment by KJPE on March 13, 2019 at 5:59pm

I'm so grateful to get your comments in my email box every day.  I feel so much less alone when I read them, regardless of whether you are sad, blaming yourself, regretful, lonely, or reassuring and comforting.  this wasn't the path I had planned or hoped for but now that I"m on it, I'm so appreciative that I am on it with all of you.

Comment by shelley on March 13, 2019 at 5:04pm

I get the 'woulda, shoulda, couldas'.  I work hard at re-routing my thoughts away from the 'what ifs'.  But lately I've been wondering- did I really think John would outlive me?  He had an artificial heart valve.  He had lymphedema.  He was almost cancer-free.  He was 12 years older than me.  Did I believe what I wanted to believe rather than what was the truth?  Was I naive?  In denial?  Was his death just too hard to think about?  Even in the hospital when I learned that the bacteria had eaten through both sides and the back of John's heart-  I was positive he would survive.  Ridiculously optimistic? An unrealistic belief in miracles?  I know it doesn't matter now.  Just my current thoughts.  

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on March 13, 2019 at 4:42pm

@Gary's wife:  So you know what it's like.  I have to admit I was never the same at work.  I had a contractor working with me who really saved my bacon for 4 years after my husband died but when she left I knew I had nothing left and I quit my job in January 2018, leaving my 2017 bonus, guaranteed health insurance until Medicare, and 8 months pay in a six-figure job on the table.  That's how burnt out I was.  I don't think we ever recover from this.

I did take 2 weeks off, but only 3 of them were bereavement days.  Meanwhile, another employee of the same ethnicity as our manager was able to be out for three months when her father died.  I had to come back after 2 weeks.  I will never forgive her for that double standard.  I am well out of that company, come what may.

FMLA allows you to take 3 months per year of unpaid leave.  NJ has six weeks of "paid" leave, but it is like being on unemployment.  I was the only income and who knew how long this was going to take?

I'm glad I'm not the only one who had that experience, but I wish NO ONE did.  I don't know why we don't have decent leave policies in this country.  How anyone thinks an employee can be productive in such a situation is beyond me. Capitalism sucks.

Comment by Gary'swife on March 13, 2019 at 4:37pm

NoLongerInBergen -  your story brings up memories of when my first husband died of colon cancer which had metastasized to the liver.  This was in 1990, and back then you had to be determined to probably die in 6 weeks in order to get hospice.  The year before I had finally gotten my dream job, and was so afraid of getting fired...I took off a few mornings or afternoons to drive from North Jersey to Montefore in the Bronx for experimental chemo, and my boss wasn't sympathetic.   I had to leave my husband alone, even though he should not have been...finally 2 weeks before he died my mother agreed to come from Kansas to stay with us for 3 weeks to help.  He died 2 weeks after she arrived, and 2 days after being placed on hospice.  I was with him when he died at home, but was not at all prepared....he did not die the way it says in the hospice literature, talking up until the last moments.  I took 1 day off of work, as luckily he died on a Sat., and Monday was a Holiday.  The funeral was on Tuesday and I was back to work on Wed.     Luckily I kept my job, although I couldn't really function for several weeks, although I showed up every day for work.   I too was terrified of loosing our health insurance, and my income.   Sending hugs to all.  

Comment by booktime (Susan) on March 13, 2019 at 2:50pm

Oh my what a road we are traveling. I agree with Maggie - you are too hard on yourself, Bergen. And I agree with Tekwriter, it's hard enough to deal with the grief.

it is so easy to slip into the shouldas couldas. But ultimately we have no power over these things.

The only person judging you is yourself. Be gentle with yourself. I know Ed would not want me to dwell on what I think Might have happened had I done something.

Your self is your vessel in this life we lead. It's not what we wanted but it is what is. My purse has a quote on it: "I choose to be happy". I read that every day.

I'm rambling. I just want to offer hugs to all. And again, be gentle with yourself. You deserve that.

Comment by Tekwriter on March 13, 2019 at 1:51pm

Bergen my husband made it through two back to back brain surgeries also. He made it through the regular hospital and into rehab. He was supposed to come home at the weekend. I always went by in the morning and checked his lunch to see if it was edible and if not had someone bring some chili from Wendys. I had spent most of this morning though getting my hair done. But I did go for lunch and then went home and fixed his dinner and our youngest son always took that to him and picked up a chocolate shake. He had worked out with sheetz to put all the protien stuff in a shake so he would get extra nutrition. He was not eating well. They called me at 8pm or so. Our son had not been gone long. It was pretty awful. We cannot blame ourselves and keep the guilt train going it just doesn't help. There is so much to grief as it is, it is plenty painful.

Comment by Maggie on March 13, 2019 at 12:55pm

Bergen...you are being way too hard on yourself. You did what you felt was right at the time and in all likelihood was probably the right thing to do. We make choices for ourselves and others our entire life and some we may get wrong, but most are right.

im sure it will haunt you the rest of your life, as some things I did haunt me as well, but to feel you deserve to be all alone and die alone is not logical. That’s how I’ll probably end up, but not because I deserve it, but because I am alone, no children, a few friends...but in reality, I’ve been alone since his death as no matter how good a friend is and how much time you spend together, it will never be like it was with our spouses. But that’s just life and deserving or not deserving it is not connected to what happened. You must not feel this way.

 

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