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Born in the 50s

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Comment by LP on March 26, 2019 at 9:51am

I’m with you on the “single” thing. I never agreed to not being married. I’m C’s wife and he will always have a claim on my heart. 

Comment by CarLady on March 26, 2019 at 9:28am

I agree with the comment about not being single, and I will never check that box.  That’s like saying 35 years with my DH never occurred!  I have been widowed for 5.5 years now and don’t expect to “get over it”.  Single means never married to me, I’m not even remotely the same person before marriage and I wouldn’t want to go be. All these experiences and memories, even the painful ones, are part of who we are.  To me, saying I’m single is like denying Bill’s existence. I’m still Mrs. B., still wearing my wedding rings and have no plans to change.  We each deserve to make our own decisions on how to move forward based on what feels right and what we are comfortable with.  I have a comfortable and active life with family and friends nearby, but much of the joy is gone.  

Comment by Tekwriter on March 26, 2019 at 5:37am

Barzan I was moved by your post. I understand how you use the term single woman. One of the things right now that drives me the craziest if to have to fill out forms that only leave space for me to say I am single. Thursday the Lawyer said you are single. I said NO I am a widow. I don't know why that bothers me so much. I guess it is because when I say I am single it is as if he was never beside me. Perhaps I will get over it in time.

Comment by Barzan on March 25, 2019 at 6:07am

Any step forward is one less you'll have to take later.  This has become my mantra.  June will be 8 years without my DH.  I am still living in the same house but have made changes that make it a reflection of me now.  Although I function pretty well now as a single woman, there is imbedded in me a hole that cannot close because the person that filled it is no longer here.

Comment by Tekwriter on March 25, 2019 at 5:48am

I finally closed on my new home. We began living here this weekend. We still have a weeks moving so far to go, we got furniture moved and have appliances yet to move. So far it has gone well. It may have drawn me and the sons closer. It feels good so far although I still miss him and know he would have loved this place.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on March 25, 2019 at 3:54am

Riet, there are some things I considered "our" dreams together.  I sold our house more than 3 years ago when looking at the house, the gardens, and unfinished projects became too much for me. I realized "our" dream no longer existed for me; and I had to seek my own dream.

Listless - yes. I called it inertia. I literally at times could not move to do something. I could not initiate anything so I think it is good you are tending to the trees.

When I did move, I had to take down one of the arches he had so lovingly crafted. It was in the front yard and the realtor said it should go. So it went. I left the ones in the back yard and while it would literally take me 15 minutes to go check out the house, I don't want to. I guess I am still fearful of my reaction if those arches are gone.

This is my story, please remember. I am not suggesting you do anything different. I love the fact that you have come here and updated us on your life. You may not see it but I do see change. I know it is still so hard - oh that first year is so difficult with reliving those memories. I did that too. We do that.

Hugs to you at this time - tend to those trees.  One suggestion: take pictures of them. Then you'll have the memory of his pride and happiness.

Comment by riet on March 25, 2019 at 3:20am

Slowly a year that I lost my love. This makes it harder than the previous months. A year ago he became sicker and sicker every day. And like LP, I became more and more tired and irritated. He needed my help every hour and a half. Day and night. I was so tired. And sometimes I lost my temper.  I am so sorry about that. How could I have done that? If only I could tell him and make it up to him.
I am listless and powerless on the one hand, and on the other hand I have taken the initiative to have some trees removed in our garden. My husband would definitely not appreciate that. But it is so strange that some of the trees that he preferred to see also began to die last summer. Without a doubt due to the persistent drought. But maybe also because my husband died. How can I know that?
The gardener says we can wait and see, but they are unlikely to be saved. I can't stand it. Those trees were so much my husband's pride and happiness. He himself had grown some from a seed as a child.
No, if he could, he would not agree with my decision to remove them.
But he is not coming back. And I cannot bear suffering anymore, not from people, not from animals and not from plants.

Comment by chef (John) on March 22, 2019 at 6:34am

Maggie,

Resentment is like acid: It damages its own container. That's not exactly how the late, great Ann Landers put it, but that is how I recall it.

As you said: "It just is what is." Your husband was not able to deal with retirement. That was his issue, not yours. Please cut yourself some slack on this, and focus on what was good in your relationship. [My wife had a sudden personality change a few months before she died, and I had to deal with that afterwards.] Hugs.

Comment by LP on March 15, 2019 at 6:45am
Hi Maggie
I think you’re right- it is what it is and sometimes there is nothing that can lessen
The pain of regret except time perhaps. I don’t expect all pain to go away but it might soften its grip. I was lucky enough to have had a happy marriage, but I regret losing my temper at times while caring for my husband through 3 and a half years of progressive Illness. It was hard work and I got tired and irritable. I tried to hide but not always with success. It adds to my grief, but what can you do? It is what it is.
Comment by Maggie on March 15, 2019 at 6:29am

Bergen...I know where you are coming from.

Asyou may remember from some earlier posts of mine way back, my marriage was not ideal. We were quite normal and happy for 17 years and then we retired. He lost purpose from having nothing to do, no one to manage and we had moved, so his friends at work and comfort zone were gone.

Then he became depressed, even though he’d never admit it, and became critical and controlling and picked at little insignificant things I did. 

Long story short...he got cancer, died in 5 months. In a year I moved to another state, love my new home, have made a few friends, garden and lately taking up art painting. So I’m fairly content. But...what’s left now in memories, after almost 6 years, are while there are many happy memories from those first 17 years and some from the last 11, the past is farther back and the more recent unhappy memories are what always comes to my mind. They come easily while the more distant, I have to work at. 

So im left with some resentment of how he treated me and the very real feeling that he no longer really loved me and had grown tired of me. This is what I live with now. It’s permanent and I know this will never really end and there is no getting past it for me. I’m busy enough and content enough that it is mostly on the back burner...but it is there...always.

sometimes I think what it would have been like if our marriage had been wonderful and full of love and kindness like so many here. But would it have even been harder to handle...the missing and longing more painful..the feelings of despair stronger? I don’t know. It’s almost like the resentment I feel is a cushion against deeper hurt. I don’t have an answer for that and ultimately it just is what it is.

 

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