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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

social security widow/widower benefits

Started by Lissa. Last reply by booktime (Susan) Sep 10. 17 Replies

Dating

Started by Mike. Last reply by Ultra2015 Aug 29. 32 Replies

Camp Widow San Diego

Started by Kathy. Last reply by Dianne in Nevada Jul 9. 8 Replies

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Comment by Ultra2015 on May 2, 2019 at 10:17am

Thanks everyone for the support.  Just being able to express these feelings to people who understand how grief can consume you is so helpful.  

Peace

Ron

Comment by chef (John) on May 2, 2019 at 7:26am

Ron,

Your wife's picture is quite nice, and it's obvious that she was happy with you. I think what you did is wonderful. Over the years, I have scattered/buried Judith's ashes at various locations: her parents' grave, the university campus where we met, places we visited (I sent some of her ashes over Niagara Falls.) or were going to visit together. She's on two continents, and eventually will be on three.

I was not far from where you are now when I was at fifteen months. Give yourself the time to grieve--even now. Year I is about survival; Year II is more along the lines of, "OK, now what...?" I also understand your feelings toward the bike (I traded in Jude's car as well as my own when I got my last vehicle) and I understand forcing yourself out of bed at noon. 

Bro hugs from Cleveland.

John

Comment by Tess on May 2, 2019 at 3:03am

DIVA70, that sounds like a perfect day for an imperfect anniversary. Your family and community sound wonderful. There is something so pleasurable and comforting when things come together in a soothing manner.

I think you are right in that, as time goes by we will have more tears of joy and less of sorrow.

Comment by riet on May 2, 2019 at 2:34am

Dear Melissa,

As you cannot do the same for the birds, I have problems with the back garden. That was my husband's pleasure and his pride. I am so sorry that large pieces are completely overgrown. I also wanted to keep it nice and tidy ,just as he did,  but it didn't work. And that makes me so sad. He has enjoyed working in the garden so much. I sometimes feel embarrassed when I look at it.
Thank you for your support and your love dear Melissa. And for your understanding. Everything is so complicated. But I know that I am not alone.

Comment by DIVA70 on May 1, 2019 at 11:22pm

Monday, April 29th was the one year mark for me. Thank God for supportive friends and family. Since he actually passed on a Sunday of 2018 most of our congregation was aware that Sunday might be a rough day. We are a small group and most of us have worshipped together for over 30 years so he had developed quite a few close friendships. Having others acknowledge and remember him was comforting. Monday started out kind of dreary. It seemed like it would never stop raining. But my youngest son would not be deterred from our original plans which turned out to be a great decision. He and his family met my daughter and I at the military cemetery where my husband is laid to rest. We put flowers on his gravesite. The three oldest grandchildren read letters they had written to Grandpa which touched all our hearts. Then I played a song To Me by Kenny Rogers which speaks to how we felt about each other. My son had two James Brown songs that he and his dad liked. From the cemetery we all returned to the family home where we had lunch. My husband loved homemade pound cake and one of his dearest friends at church would make him one on special occasions. Sunday she made one in his honor. The grandkids loved it. I shared some of my thoughts from the last twelve months that I keep in a journal and we reflected on what a great husband and father he was. Before my son and his family returned home our oldest grandson released a birthday on which he had written a message to grandpa. We watched as it soared higher and higher. I also talked to my husband's last living sibling. He had a brother and two sisters. My husband was the youngest. Only the oldest sibling remains. She and I shared some thoughts on how difficult the past months have been and how much we miss Tony. Thankfully she and I have a good relationship so we have been able to comfort one another. All in all the day went far better than I expected. Yes, there were tears but I can say they were a reflection of the beautiful life we shared together. Our eldest son and our oldest granddaughter also reached out from Florida. Oh yes, I almost forgot. Tony loved taking the grandchildren to the zoo and to the park. Despite his illness he tried to make every school assembly and special event. So I put together a video titled Fun Times with Grandpa Tony. Everyone loved it!Not a day goes by that I don't miss my Tony but knowing that we will be reunited again one day helps to ease my pain. Hopefully, as time goes by we will all have more tears of joy and less tears of sorrow.

Comment by Melissa on May 1, 2019 at 2:57pm

People say that we will someday be able to think of our Beloved and smile. After 18 months, I can think of him and smile, but there are tears streaming down my face. That turns into ugly crying.

The strange thing for me is because I've had every first holiday, birthday, and anniversary without him, now I never know what will set me off.

Today I saw a bird in the back yard. I started crying because Gilbert loved birds and had bird feeders all over the yard that he kept filled. The birds waited for him to fill them. I'd made a vow to myself after he died that I would keep the feeders full.

I did it once. It was too sad. Now I'm sad because I was sad about not feeding the birds . . .

It never stops and it makes no sense.

Tekwriter, I will be thinking of you on Friday.

Ron, you were very brave. I am still clinging to my husband's ashes; I don't want to scatter them, even though he would like that.

Riet, you know you have my love.

Gary'swife, sending you hugs.

My love to you all.

Comment by Tekwriter on May 1, 2019 at 12:28pm

Friday is the first anniversary for me. It is getting close and and I have feelings of anger and anxiety. Not at at him just at everything for some reason. I hope that goes away. I don't like feeling angry.My young.est son and I will be going to Salisbury on Friday morning.

Comment by riet on May 1, 2019 at 12:19pm

dear Ron,

All those birthdays are so difficult. Even more so if you remember  the beautiful things you have had together.
  My dear husband also died from a brain cancer. After a year without him, I still can't afford some nice memories. Then I miss him so much that there is no energy left.
And it is so difficult and tiring, all these emotions. Try to make the best of it and see for a moment that it is going well ... and then fall deep into a black hole again. Miss him with everything. And know that nothing in the entire world can solve this. Because you only want your loved one. And  just that is not possible.
It is still difficult for me to accept that every day. And after a year, not much has changed yet.
How little worth a life is. I can only say to all those around me: enjoy each other and every day.
Dear Ron, Much strength on this difficult day. A virtual hug from Riet

Comment by Gary'swife on May 1, 2019 at 11:20am

Oh Ron, My husband Gary would have been 70 on April 26.   He died more than 5 years ago, so the grief is not so fresh.  After he died I didn't accomplish much for 3 years.  I had so much I should have been doing, but all I could do was sit on the sofa and play computer games or watch Netflix.   Then, my oldest brother had a stroke, so that forced me to get off my butt.  He wasn't married and had no children, and as I wasn't working I stepped in to take care of him and now he lives with me.   

This is my 2nd time being widowed...after the first I just threw myself into my job.    Loosing the love of your life is just the worst thing in the world.  People here know this, and please visit the chat room if you need to connect..there are usually people on it.  Sometimes just knowing you are not alone in your grief helps.  Sending virtual hugs.

Comment by Ultra2015 on May 1, 2019 at 10:17am

Ultra2015 here (Ron actually)

Ultra2015 is actually the model and year of the Harley we bought in October.  Took a few short rides and by June Sandi had brain cancer from the original breast cancer she fought for 18 years.  Haven't been on the bike since.  It has about 1,200 miles on it.  When we retired we took our first long trip.  Put on over 4,000 miles that summer of 2010.  Now looking at it just upsets me.  

Sunday, April 28 was her birthday, she would have been 68.  She wanted her ashes scattered in the Gulf of Mexico, we live out in the Panhandle, and I finally got up the nerve to scatter some of her ashes.  Our daughter and grand daughter and I went out in our small boat and traveled east to the spot we called our beach.  I brought flowers, including a few red roses.  I gave her a single red rose on our first date.  Two small memorial urns with some of her ashes and a bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey.  She loved her Jameson.  I said the prayer I say to God everyday, scattered the ashes and the roses and had a shot of Jameson.  

I thought this would help with my depression.  It felt right that day, on her birthday. She loved her birthday.  It was a beautiful day on the Gulf and I felt good.

By today I had to force myself out of bed at noon.  I feel like I am sinking again.  15 months out is short I know, I just miss her so and the tears are just rolling out.

Thanks for listening.

Ron

 

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