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Born in the 50s

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Members: 795
Latest Activity: 22 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Misery loves company

Started by Tess. Last reply by riet Mar 1. 13 Replies

How old was he?

Started by sadderbytheday. Last reply by DIVA70 Jan 26. 6 Replies

Ugh...Christmas.

Started by Lark. Last reply by Maggiepie Jan 24. 14 Replies

Keeping a journal sometimes helps

Started by sadderbytheday. Last reply by sadderbytheday Dec 31. 9 Replies

Little Family?

Started by Hope. Last reply by Freebird Nov 29, 2019. 18 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by irishlady (jan) on May 9, 2019 at 1:05pm

Gary's wife....I am so sorry for your water problems. I think when we have issues to deal with that maybe we never handled, as our husband's might have done that, it is then that the fact that we are truly alone, is driven home. I always say it's like the fates poking at you and saying...Hey! In case you forgot, your husband is gone and not coming back. Oh, thanks...I forgot that for a nano second!!

Comment by irishlady (jan) on May 9, 2019 at 1:00pm

LP...I agree...one day at a time. I have survived the last 6 years with the mantra....one step at a time. I literally lived hour by hour at the beginning. Still struggle occasionally now and remember that mantra.

Comment by irishlady (jan) on May 9, 2019 at 12:58pm

landl. (Linda) I agree..I feel like my husband held this family together. I have 4 kids and they have not all been in the same place since their Dad's funeral. I have asked for my birthday every year to just have a BBQ with all my kids present, but nope! As an only child, my kids and grands are my only family left. I get sick of being lonely.

Comment by Gary'swife on May 9, 2019 at 12:24pm

I so wish I had someone to take care of me.  With all the rain I got water in the basement, and either from the water or the fan I have running it appears the pilot light went out on the hot water heater.  I have lit it before, but it's a real pain.  There is still a bit of water around it so will wait for it to dry out completely before looking up the instructions and giving it a shot.   I know it could be a lot worse.  One neighbor has a backhoe digging up what is most likely their main sewer line.   Thanks for listening to my whining.

Comment by chef (John) on May 9, 2019 at 11:55am

I agree with your writing/letters approach, Barzan. (Being an introvert, that is a given for me.) I wrote reams of paper in my journals during the early days, often thinking so fast that I could barely get the words on the paper--and were you all to see the cursive from almost eight years ago, you would agree.You would also see that, over time, I was able to come to terms with this "new life" (in fits and starts, naturally) and my handwriting returned to something "almost legible" from what had clearly been little more than scrawl--although I can read it. That took quite a long time.

I can still feel the raw emotions of those early days/weeks/months whenever I look through those pages nowadays. I sometimes marvel that I did manage to survive (rather than implode from the stress, anger, fear, etc.)...and later, even...thrive. [Back then, I just didn't care.] Like you, I tend to write occasionally these days.

I still talk to Judith--even this far out, and will probably continue to do so from time to time.

John

Comment by Barzan on May 9, 2019 at 8:38am

I've been reading your posts this morning about communications with our honeys.  I've talked to him for years and sometimes I even think he's responded.  It's only in my head but feels like it came from him.  In the past, when I wasn't nearly 8 years in, (I think around 3 yrs) I started "Letters to Barney" journal.  Whether I was having a good day or bad, I'd write him a letter in the evening before bedtime recounting my day.  It was so therapeutic.  I'm doing much better now in my new life that I only occasionally write in the journal.  Usually on birthdays, anniversaries and date of his passing.  I've read through old letters and see how I've changed through the years.  It's a form of growth I had to do to keep afloat.  This may be cathartic to some of you.  It was for me.

Hugs to all my brothers and sisters here on planet Grief.

Comment by TP on May 9, 2019 at 7:34am

Thanks Everyone. I'm approaching year one and I'm being flooded with emotion. Reading all your posts are helpful. Strangers and other widows/ers are the only people I feel really comfortable with. I'm not doing bad, I'm not doing great, is what I say to the curious, well meaning, do gooders.  What I really mean is 'just leave me alone.'  lol    but we can't do that either, so as has been said, I'm trying to learn to live without her here, but with a new part of me. I'm adjusting to something I didn't plan on. I can't imagine my life not focusing on her, 38 years of happiness and joy leaves an imprint.  I'll let time pass and try to find some peace.

It sure ain't easy tho.  

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on May 9, 2019 at 2:42am

Good description of that healing/thriving phase, Susan!!  I still talk to my husband even though he's not here, especially when watching the Mets, or watching Game of Thrones -- things we enjoyed together.  But most of the time when I remember the happy times, it's more about "Gee we had a good run" than about that wrenching sense of loss. I can hear him i certain things I say -- speech patterns that he had that I picked up, expressions he used, and inflections.

I know that there are people who remarry and are able to find a place for both the old and the new spouse.  i can't really see myself doing that, for a lot of reasons I won't go into here. Truthfully, the only time I feel his absence is a loss is when I have to look at photos of my sister and brother-in-law on vacation.  That someone to travel with that you know you can share a room with and be with 24/7 on a trip is something no friend can be.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on May 9, 2019 at 1:53am

Roxi, I get the fear of leaving him behind and I felt that way too. It seemed like a dream. Now, I feel him more than ever! It's hard to describe. I think of him every day but in happy ways. Just this morning I was remembering his workshop in the basement (I moved 3 years ago). It made me happy because when he was there he was happy and feeling good.

I remember a friend who is a widow gave me this advice as I approached, I think, year two anniversaries: Think of something he said or did that made you laugh. I did and ended up laughing out loud, alone, in my house!

Somehow he has settled into my being. I don't worry about losing him - he's there. I am in year 6 so it takes time.

And who knows what is ahead of me! But I think I smile every day at his picture.

Hugs!

Comment by Roxi on May 9, 2019 at 12:43am
  1. Thanks to b.susan nolonger LP for your valuable advices...i know that they came from your painfully esperience and i really appreciate them. My trouble is that i accept them rationally and i can't accept them emotionally...so i'm always comparing my life before and now...i'm afraid to leave him behind...i'm glad anyway that i can ask you on this site and find the help i need...thank you my friends hugs to all ciao roxi
 

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